Al my previous posts voice out helplessness, especially about being self-sufficient. Believe me, I never felt so helpless.
Each day at work seems like a step into hell-hole but I am tied down for various reasons. I am so demotivated right now that I can not even think straight as to what is right or how I should defend myself from the brickbats.
My pregnancy is adding to my woes. I do not want to influence my innocent child into this depression that is creeping around me.
I hope there is a decent genuine permanent resolution from all this hell-hole at the very earliest, though I am preparing myself for the last resort to quit.
There are so many things to do and I am just losing all my enthusiasm in everything. Depression speaks big time and I want to get out of it. I have to get out of it.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
life and its loci points
I yearn for my freedom and for some things to remain just like how it was when I was single. I yearn to be self sufficient and independent in all arena. Companionship is appreciated but my wish list is getting clearly cross-connected. Sigh. My two immediate desires are to always remain self-sufficient to my contentment and become an all rounder in cuisine and driving. God help me achieve em ALL of my wish list at the earliest.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am in one of my most abusive moods and yes, I shall also take advantage of the fact that my hormones can reach their peak and subside slow, thanks to oops baby.
What is this other gender filled with or made of? I am in no way going to say that XX gender is filled with vain and tenderness and care and love and selfless - bullshit in its own way in certain aspects. But XY gender is made up of, god knows what, out there.
The men who so badly sometimes make me wild but also love a lot in my life - My dad, my newly wed husband.
The man who has been oh-so-gentle, so far - My fil. Its true that I hardly know him but he has shown a lot of gentleness and dignity that obviously brings back the trust in me for men about some air of improvement.
The men who have been there to provide me humor, intellect, interests, sense of security and no consciousness of the gender difference - Few friends right from school to my previous work-place. Did not meet any such interesting men in college but it hardly matters.
The man whom I want to crush to death using a dinosaur - The *o** because he does not have the balls to use his common sense or empathize or appreciate or support. He can only behave like a robot.
I hate men who are MCPs. And I shall in no way take it lying low. And so should not any self-respecting person.
My man is a man in the true sense. Fun, smart, sharp, lazy, with a temper and also filled with so much logic that he can never easily get why women cry or laugh or yearn or nag. He sometimes has what Hermione rightly said - emotional range of a teaspoon. And yes, he can make me laugh and go wild as well. I sometimes wonder I married him and sometimes I so very well know the reason.
I so wish I knew Karan Johar type and had a best friend like him. No, I do not think he is gay - I just feel he can see beyond the emotional teaspoon range.
However, if there was a choice to skip marriage, I might have opted that as well. This blog is not going to cover the men who interested me or who got interested in me in the romantic sense. And that is because life is not about romance only and people behave different when in love. Maybe it is drugged.
I need to see how life shapes up with its swift changes and consequences in my lifestyle. I wonder how my personality will shape up in the coming years. But I know one thing for sure - marriage is sure a great teacher.
What is this other gender filled with or made of? I am in no way going to say that XX gender is filled with vain and tenderness and care and love and selfless - bullshit in its own way in certain aspects. But XY gender is made up of, god knows what, out there.
The men who so badly sometimes make me wild but also love a lot in my life - My dad, my newly wed husband.
The man who has been oh-so-gentle, so far - My fil. Its true that I hardly know him but he has shown a lot of gentleness and dignity that obviously brings back the trust in me for men about some air of improvement.
The men who have been there to provide me humor, intellect, interests, sense of security and no consciousness of the gender difference - Few friends right from school to my previous work-place. Did not meet any such interesting men in college but it hardly matters.
The man whom I want to crush to death using a dinosaur - The *o** because he does not have the balls to use his common sense or empathize or appreciate or support. He can only behave like a robot.
I hate men who are MCPs. And I shall in no way take it lying low. And so should not any self-respecting person.
My man is a man in the true sense. Fun, smart, sharp, lazy, with a temper and also filled with so much logic that he can never easily get why women cry or laugh or yearn or nag. He sometimes has what Hermione rightly said - emotional range of a teaspoon. And yes, he can make me laugh and go wild as well. I sometimes wonder I married him and sometimes I so very well know the reason.
I so wish I knew Karan Johar type and had a best friend like him. No, I do not think he is gay - I just feel he can see beyond the emotional teaspoon range.
However, if there was a choice to skip marriage, I might have opted that as well. This blog is not going to cover the men who interested me or who got interested in me in the romantic sense. And that is because life is not about romance only and people behave different when in love. Maybe it is drugged.
I need to see how life shapes up with its swift changes and consequences in my lifestyle. I wonder how my personality will shape up in the coming years. But I know one thing for sure - marriage is sure a great teacher.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Desire deeply for some immediate changes for the long term
Work, first and foremost desired change - Would like a work nature that is just perfectly tailor-made for me and gives me perfect balance of home-work adjustment and sync, finance, freedom, moral boost, true friendship and creativity.
Health, again first and foremost desired change - Would like me and my new family member and spouse to be in good health mentally and physically ALWAYS. I pray for my family too.
Relationships, again first and foremost desired change - Smooth, peaceful, happy, satisfying, extremely supportive, sincere, ego-less, transparent with privacy in its own way for both the people involved... be it with mil or sil or fil or with parents or siblings or spouse or friends or colleagues or acquaintances or new relations that would be formed in future.
Married life, again first and foremost desired change - Smooth, balanced, fun, exciting, peaceful, happy, satisfying, sincere, ego-less, transparent with privacy in its own way FOREVER for both the people involved.
Parenting - An art that I home to master intuitively along with mastering the art of being the perfect wife/sil/dil/daughter/sister. I want to bring up a normal child who would always get its attention from its parents. And I hope the things that make up my life around will fall in place perfectly.
My own personal side - I sincerely hope life allows me to focus on that in addition to all the above aspects.
I hope my spouse gets his share of satisfactions from life forever in all aspects. Same for my family. Possible if there are no conflicts. Definitely possible.
I sincerely pray that all my prayers are answered SOON. Life would become more meaningful.
Health, again first and foremost desired change - Would like me and my new family member and spouse to be in good health mentally and physically ALWAYS. I pray for my family too.
Relationships, again first and foremost desired change - Smooth, peaceful, happy, satisfying, extremely supportive, sincere, ego-less, transparent with privacy in its own way for both the people involved... be it with mil or sil or fil or with parents or siblings or spouse or friends or colleagues or acquaintances or new relations that would be formed in future.
Married life, again first and foremost desired change - Smooth, balanced, fun, exciting, peaceful, happy, satisfying, sincere, ego-less, transparent with privacy in its own way FOREVER for both the people involved.
Parenting - An art that I home to master intuitively along with mastering the art of being the perfect wife/sil/dil/daughter/sister. I want to bring up a normal child who would always get its attention from its parents. And I hope the things that make up my life around will fall in place perfectly.
My own personal side - I sincerely hope life allows me to focus on that in addition to all the above aspects.
I hope my spouse gets his share of satisfactions from life forever in all aspects. Same for my family. Possible if there are no conflicts. Definitely possible.
I sincerely pray that all my prayers are answered SOON. Life would become more meaningful.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
If this has been one of the most mind-boggling days at my work place, it is so. Not just the project but also on the people who work with me and are part of the team that I work in.
Imagine coming to work and not having a friendly, ego-clash-less face to smile and say hello or exchange pleasantries or travel woes.
Imagine also the situation where the manager is a pain-point with the fellow tracking your 8 hours at work
However, even on the personal front, it is quite mind-boggling. To sum up, still trying to get a hold on new lifestyle and freedom with set boundaries.
Imagine coming to work and not having a friendly, ego-clash-less face to smile and say hello or exchange pleasantries or travel woes.
Imagine also the situation where the manager is a pain-point with the fellow tracking your 8 hours at work
However, even on the personal front, it is quite mind-boggling. To sum up, still trying to get a hold on new lifestyle and freedom with set boundaries.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Am married for 2 months and 2 weeks and am pregnant
Well, yes, there it is. Am happy but am very confused because both of us were not prepared for it. Now we are preparing ourselves to embrace it. No point in thinking or talking about what we could have done etc. Am carrying a life within me now. :) Bow thy head and accept what is coming thy way, or rather our way.
It is still too early and the news shall only be shared with the whole wide world after few more months. But every minute and every day coming ahead, I am realizing that my life will no longer be in my control. Or who knows, it will get into my control better.
J is getting into the role of husband NOW and precisely now is when this change happens. Marital bliss as a couple seems short-lived but then its too early to speculate or contemplate.
The first words we exchanged were - "Not sure if its supposed to make us happy or sad." :D Being practical is how I see it.
I am finding this as a pleasant surprise and also a shock coz I had so many plans and I was so sure I wanted a baby only after my first year of marriage. Man proposes, God disposes.
"All is well."
It is still too early and the news shall only be shared with the whole wide world after few more months. But every minute and every day coming ahead, I am realizing that my life will no longer be in my control. Or who knows, it will get into my control better.
J is getting into the role of husband NOW and precisely now is when this change happens. Marital bliss as a couple seems short-lived but then its too early to speculate or contemplate.
The first words we exchanged were - "Not sure if its supposed to make us happy or sad." :D Being practical is how I see it.
I am finding this as a pleasant surprise and also a shock coz I had so many plans and I was so sure I wanted a baby only after my first year of marriage. Man proposes, God disposes.
"All is well."
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Lessons learnt post-marraige - Episode 2 - J bday special
To blog on what happened after that tiff, I find it childish. Nonetheless, it is good to blog as it would help me remember how we resolved it and celebrated his first bday post-marriage.
J tried to get me out of my shell as much as possible. I was behaving my usual self busying myself with the usual chores at home because its only between the two of us. However, the tiff kept running at the back of my mind and making me more upset with every passing minute.
Post-dinner, it was time for bed and the two of us were still not in our normal comfort self. He tried to coax me for one more time and I relented then as it was becoming heavy on my hand. He tried to put across his point that I reacted too soon about the dinner plan and that we could for the movie in the weekend. I put across my point that I admit having reacted too soon and it was because of the disappointment that he pushed "our" quality time away. I mentioned that he could have suggested a movie with me and then dinner with his folks and me. He seemed to agree but yet again pointed out my reaction. I explained that it was not possible to react when someone special acted quite insensitive and change plans without consulting. I ended it with the point that I agree that I reacted and anyone in my place would have done the same. He cant always be the right one. The tone in both our voices at this point of the argument upset the air even more than before. One more word and things mite get anywhere between good or bad. Both did not know what was the word though. :) It was like how they show in movies - we just turned away showing our backs to each other.
After a few quiet awkward minutes, I realized that his bday was coming near and wanted to resolve it at the earliest. I was upset. So was he. But it was his special day. I did not want this thing to go on and slowly got back to talking. And then came the deeper lying issue - he was upset that I had used the word "turn-off" when he mentioned parents. Thank God he brought it up. I clarified that it was not for his parents but for his change of plans. I could not have ever called his parents a turn off as it does not apply at all - I live with them and that should explain what I feel about them - as family ofcourse. He has all rights to spend time with them on his bday and its ridiculous to think that I dont want them. I only want an ideal solution of "our time" and "family time". That whole point thawed the ice for good and we arrived at a mutual decision of going for a movie after work and then dinner.
Clock struck 12. The boy was wished for his 31st bday from his newly wed wife and there was peace. He did tease me that I had tried to resolve it before his bday. :P The bday went peacefully with work and kungfu panda and a simple dinner with his folks. He surprised me with a peck (right under his parents' nose and ofcourse away from their eyesight or hearsight) when he saw the text Versace on the gift. :) Officemates tried to ask what he got from me and it was show-off time. Am glad he liked it. They tried to rag us during his cake-cutting but J knows how to save face. :P
All in all, I am a good girl, u see. And the spouse is not so bad. :P He is a sweetheart actually but the previous blog learnings will always hold good. I hope he has a great year ahead and I hope to be a part of it for now and ever. :)
J tried to get me out of my shell as much as possible. I was behaving my usual self busying myself with the usual chores at home because its only between the two of us. However, the tiff kept running at the back of my mind and making me more upset with every passing minute.
Post-dinner, it was time for bed and the two of us were still not in our normal comfort self. He tried to coax me for one more time and I relented then as it was becoming heavy on my hand. He tried to put across his point that I reacted too soon about the dinner plan and that we could for the movie in the weekend. I put across my point that I admit having reacted too soon and it was because of the disappointment that he pushed "our" quality time away. I mentioned that he could have suggested a movie with me and then dinner with his folks and me. He seemed to agree but yet again pointed out my reaction. I explained that it was not possible to react when someone special acted quite insensitive and change plans without consulting. I ended it with the point that I agree that I reacted and anyone in my place would have done the same. He cant always be the right one. The tone in both our voices at this point of the argument upset the air even more than before. One more word and things mite get anywhere between good or bad. Both did not know what was the word though. :) It was like how they show in movies - we just turned away showing our backs to each other.
After a few quiet awkward minutes, I realized that his bday was coming near and wanted to resolve it at the earliest. I was upset. So was he. But it was his special day. I did not want this thing to go on and slowly got back to talking. And then came the deeper lying issue - he was upset that I had used the word "turn-off" when he mentioned parents. Thank God he brought it up. I clarified that it was not for his parents but for his change of plans. I could not have ever called his parents a turn off as it does not apply at all - I live with them and that should explain what I feel about them - as family ofcourse. He has all rights to spend time with them on his bday and its ridiculous to think that I dont want them. I only want an ideal solution of "our time" and "family time". That whole point thawed the ice for good and we arrived at a mutual decision of going for a movie after work and then dinner.
Clock struck 12. The boy was wished for his 31st bday from his newly wed wife and there was peace. He did tease me that I had tried to resolve it before his bday. :P The bday went peacefully with work and kungfu panda and a simple dinner with his folks. He surprised me with a peck (right under his parents' nose and ofcourse away from their eyesight or hearsight) when he saw the text Versace on the gift. :) Officemates tried to ask what he got from me and it was show-off time. Am glad he liked it. They tried to rag us during his cake-cutting but J knows how to save face. :P
All in all, I am a good girl, u see. And the spouse is not so bad. :P He is a sweetheart actually but the previous blog learnings will always hold good. I hope he has a great year ahead and I hope to be a part of it for now and ever. :)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Lessons learnt post-marriage
1. Learn to distance yourself and wear a mask at the right time to save your peace.
2. Do your duty as the good spouse but learn to remain selfish when it matters to YOU.
Post 40 days of marriage, it was the husband's birthday approaching and he suggested very casually a week ago that we could go for a movie that I have been keen on for quite sometime. I was thrilled on the mere suggestion and temporarily forgot he is a TRUE Gemini just for that phase. It was getting hard to unwind from the dating effect and we are still newly married. I would love to spend time with him just like any newly married dreamy-eyed spouse would. Just when I was looking forward to making the plan with the day approaching 24 hours away, he comes up with his suggestion on going out for dinner with his folks. My fell face FLAT and I revolted immediately. The reaction was too soon and the words were already out in the air that he could go with his parents. Of course it was all said in mush and jest tone. However, I also felt bad on having reacted so frankly and also on his change of mind. He tried to go back to plan 1 after looking at my disappointment but it was obvious that it was not whole-hearted. I ended the conversation for the time-being that it was not fair for me to decide what he should do for his birthday and he could take his time to decide whatever he wanted. I was fine with whatever he decided.
When I tried to reason out that it would be good to spend time together, he said that we were family now and done with dating. After all, he had come all the way to work last year in the heavy rain for a dinner with me.
I reasoned out saying we were newly married. He responded with his sentimental line about his parents never stepping out anywhere. Now that was a strong genuine reason and why would I counter that. If he was keener on the "family value" than the "couple" value and it being his birthday, his wish. I am not sure how we will plan for the anniversary and I no longer want to plan for any occasion unless it was mine own or under my better control.
All I knew was that I was getting ready to grow neutral and whenever it was to be my turn, I shall plan whatever I want. I also felt the thought grow stronger to grow selfish - I can be as sadistic or as sweet as I want to be, depending on the person and the situation.
Meanwhile, I clammed up as is my usual nature when I get upset. I really wanted my space to think and distance myself for good. Such small sweet-nothings hurt me so much. I have not learnt yet. I better learn NOW. Confided to a close friend and she voiced out the same thoughts as in my head that ideally, we could go for dinner with family and then a movie. However, I was not keen to voice it out anymore, what with all the enthusiasm drained out. Also, he has work that is keeping him very busy and that itself is a tough ordeal to go thro on a birthday. Work, travel, dinner and movie - deadening combination for a person who likes his space and time to do things.
On the other hand, if you gave me such combinations, I would do them even if they tired me to the bone. Fun at any cost. Yes, I am the dreamy kid who likes to freak out and celebrate the birthday even if I were to loose all my teeth at the age of 90. I am sure I will remain such a freak even after I have children and grand children. For now, I am being the devout wife and daughter-in-law.
So, lessons I learnt and I shall ensure to remember at every step in life to have a peaceful marriage.... Keep an open mind for changes until the last minute if it is something to do with both of us. Grow up from the sweet clingy child to an adult and keep the child reserved for times that will come soon. Become independent and pragmatic in every possible way - physically, emotionally, financially, mentally. The child within will help to get the pragmatism hide whenever applicable. :)
More on how things shaped up once they do. Wish me luck and give me strength, dear God. This might seem small and silly but small things are what it takes to make anything complete.
Something made me google and that depressed me anymore.
http://www.starlightastrology.com/gemi-pisc.htm
http://www.astrology-online.com/gesunpi.htm
"The freedom of those Geminis out there are at stake if you marry a Pisean. They must be prepared to give up all outside interests and devote all of thier time and thoughts to the Pisces mate. The sensitive and distrustful Piscean nature will, no doubt, prove too much for the liberty loving Gemini to cope with.
Geminians must be prepared to change their ways almost completely if they would seek happiness with a loving, possessive, and clinging Pisces."
Sour, eh? However, I am hell-bent on proving it wrong.
2. Do your duty as the good spouse but learn to remain selfish when it matters to YOU.
Post 40 days of marriage, it was the husband's birthday approaching and he suggested very casually a week ago that we could go for a movie that I have been keen on for quite sometime. I was thrilled on the mere suggestion and temporarily forgot he is a TRUE Gemini just for that phase. It was getting hard to unwind from the dating effect and we are still newly married. I would love to spend time with him just like any newly married dreamy-eyed spouse would. Just when I was looking forward to making the plan with the day approaching 24 hours away, he comes up with his suggestion on going out for dinner with his folks. My fell face FLAT and I revolted immediately. The reaction was too soon and the words were already out in the air that he could go with his parents. Of course it was all said in mush and jest tone. However, I also felt bad on having reacted so frankly and also on his change of mind. He tried to go back to plan 1 after looking at my disappointment but it was obvious that it was not whole-hearted. I ended the conversation for the time-being that it was not fair for me to decide what he should do for his birthday and he could take his time to decide whatever he wanted. I was fine with whatever he decided.
When I tried to reason out that it would be good to spend time together, he said that we were family now and done with dating. After all, he had come all the way to work last year in the heavy rain for a dinner with me.
I reasoned out saying we were newly married. He responded with his sentimental line about his parents never stepping out anywhere. Now that was a strong genuine reason and why would I counter that. If he was keener on the "family value" than the "couple" value and it being his birthday, his wish. I am not sure how we will plan for the anniversary and I no longer want to plan for any occasion unless it was mine own or under my better control.
All I knew was that I was getting ready to grow neutral and whenever it was to be my turn, I shall plan whatever I want. I also felt the thought grow stronger to grow selfish - I can be as sadistic or as sweet as I want to be, depending on the person and the situation.
Meanwhile, I clammed up as is my usual nature when I get upset. I really wanted my space to think and distance myself for good. Such small sweet-nothings hurt me so much. I have not learnt yet. I better learn NOW. Confided to a close friend and she voiced out the same thoughts as in my head that ideally, we could go for dinner with family and then a movie. However, I was not keen to voice it out anymore, what with all the enthusiasm drained out. Also, he has work that is keeping him very busy and that itself is a tough ordeal to go thro on a birthday. Work, travel, dinner and movie - deadening combination for a person who likes his space and time to do things.
On the other hand, if you gave me such combinations, I would do them even if they tired me to the bone. Fun at any cost. Yes, I am the dreamy kid who likes to freak out and celebrate the birthday even if I were to loose all my teeth at the age of 90. I am sure I will remain such a freak even after I have children and grand children. For now, I am being the devout wife and daughter-in-law.
So, lessons I learnt and I shall ensure to remember at every step in life to have a peaceful marriage.... Keep an open mind for changes until the last minute if it is something to do with both of us. Grow up from the sweet clingy child to an adult and keep the child reserved for times that will come soon. Become independent and pragmatic in every possible way - physically, emotionally, financially, mentally. The child within will help to get the pragmatism hide whenever applicable. :)
More on how things shaped up once they do. Wish me luck and give me strength, dear God. This might seem small and silly but small things are what it takes to make anything complete.
Something made me google and that depressed me anymore.
http://www.starlightastrology.com/gemi-pisc.htm
http://www.astrology-online.com/gesunpi.htm
"The freedom of those Geminis out there are at stake if you marry a Pisean. They must be prepared to give up all outside interests and devote all of thier time and thoughts to the Pisces mate. The sensitive and distrustful Piscean nature will, no doubt, prove too much for the liberty loving Gemini to cope with.
Geminians must be prepared to change their ways almost completely if they would seek happiness with a loving, possessive, and clinging Pisces."
Sour, eh? However, I am hell-bent on proving it wrong.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
First fight after the knot....
Silly reasons makes people look sillier. :P Look at ours.
Towards the end of one week of work and co-travel, I say, "Lets go out once a week to spend some quality time, preferably Fridays. Maybe some coffee or chaat place, preferably your side of town as you had suggested before the marriage." He says, "Sure, I would like that too. However, lets not fix only one day. Lets be flexible." Fair enough. I say, "OK. However, lets begin this week itself. Lets go out this Friday."
All coz Fridays are free of next day work related routine. Also, I was already away at parents' place for two days and we head home straight after poor him struggling and wading thro traffic or rain from work to his place after a hard day's work on other days.
My insistence for the above reasons makes the boy get objective of taking me and completing the task. He works himself up as we started on our hunt for a coffee place around his area over finding the right place and manage traffic plus car parking. Meanwhile, I started clamming up coz I had lost one of my so many favorite silver earrings at work and was really hungry and wanted to go to any decent place that would allow us to spend time and that was an equal priority to hunger. Knowing him, I did not want to pressurize or tease or get his alarm clock running overtime. The boy runs with lot of bad luck and we land up driving around bangalore for 1.5 hours. He is faced with either no good place or traffic or parking woes. And I am faced with wanting to suggest to go out or head home straight as I am unable to bear the sight of him get so confused. I could see that he was trying his best to impress me and I was unable to do anything more than restrain myself from saying anything wrong to make things worse.
In the end, we head to a nice looking bakery in Basaveshwaranagar after driving thro Cunningham road and Malleshwaram. I was so not in a mood for McD that J had been thrilled to locate after a long hunt. He does not like McD that much anyway. He is surprised at my suggestion to go to the bakery but agrees to go as it looks nice. What happens is that the nice-looking bakery is only nice to look at. I cooled a little by entertaining myself watching a sweet kid eat whatever his relatives fed him obediently. He tries to probe and I honestly replied that I was angry (actually upset) and trying to restrain myself from saying anything wrong to make things worse.
We come home in silence which he hates. (I admit it is not a nice habit. I am trying to unlearn to express my anger or disappointment in such a way.) After exchanging pleasantries with in-laws, I head to the room to vent it out with a close pal over sms. I definitely intended to get back to normal self after that. The sweetheart husband of mine meanwhile walks in to sort out the silence. We brainstorm as politely as it can get and reach the end of the incident where we put across our points and agree to disagree. Later, I walked out politely, still left with few ashes that were being left to cool off on their own in both our minds.
Engaged myself with housework to assist my mil and that surprised J pleasantly. The boy was also cooling off and by the end of the day, we seemed to have gotten somewhere better, at least a better place than the evening scene. :) He did manage to say that he had missed me in his most genuine tone and that obviously cooled off whatever else was left in me. His expressions grew softer and I knew this was helping us to thaw the leftover ice completely. With 99% of the ice thawed, the day ended on a good note.
Sigh, men are such complicated beings and they call us complicated. :) And like I confessed to my close friend, I am learning to experience marital bliss.
Lesson learnt -
Me: I tried to explain I was fine with any place as my main focus was to spend time. He disagreed that I would have been satisfied with such an arrangement. I gave up trying to convince and decided to focus on what more he had to say. I need to curb my natural instincts to do things on the spur of the moment with my ever-so-careful husband. I shall use those instincts when it has got to do nothing with him as it causes confusion due to opposite natures.
Him: He needs to try to unlearn the objective attitude when his woman desires something. And get the comfort level to express what can work best at that point in time. For that, both our understanding and trust levels needs some time.
Us: Going to be tricky to not let the elders know about our silly or not-so-silly squabbles. However, keep it as dignified as possible and smoothen it out at the earliest possible chance. It is a trick to balance the art of compromising and not letting go of your self-respect at the same time.
Towards the end of one week of work and co-travel, I say, "Lets go out once a week to spend some quality time, preferably Fridays. Maybe some coffee or chaat place, preferably your side of town as you had suggested before the marriage." He says, "Sure, I would like that too. However, lets not fix only one day. Lets be flexible." Fair enough. I say, "OK. However, lets begin this week itself. Lets go out this Friday."
All coz Fridays are free of next day work related routine. Also, I was already away at parents' place for two days and we head home straight after poor him struggling and wading thro traffic or rain from work to his place after a hard day's work on other days.
My insistence for the above reasons makes the boy get objective of taking me and completing the task. He works himself up as we started on our hunt for a coffee place around his area over finding the right place and manage traffic plus car parking. Meanwhile, I started clamming up coz I had lost one of my so many favorite silver earrings at work and was really hungry and wanted to go to any decent place that would allow us to spend time and that was an equal priority to hunger. Knowing him, I did not want to pressurize or tease or get his alarm clock running overtime. The boy runs with lot of bad luck and we land up driving around bangalore for 1.5 hours. He is faced with either no good place or traffic or parking woes. And I am faced with wanting to suggest to go out or head home straight as I am unable to bear the sight of him get so confused. I could see that he was trying his best to impress me and I was unable to do anything more than restrain myself from saying anything wrong to make things worse.
In the end, we head to a nice looking bakery in Basaveshwaranagar after driving thro Cunningham road and Malleshwaram. I was so not in a mood for McD that J had been thrilled to locate after a long hunt. He does not like McD that much anyway. He is surprised at my suggestion to go to the bakery but agrees to go as it looks nice. What happens is that the nice-looking bakery is only nice to look at. I cooled a little by entertaining myself watching a sweet kid eat whatever his relatives fed him obediently. He tries to probe and I honestly replied that I was angry (actually upset) and trying to restrain myself from saying anything wrong to make things worse.
We come home in silence which he hates. (I admit it is not a nice habit. I am trying to unlearn to express my anger or disappointment in such a way.) After exchanging pleasantries with in-laws, I head to the room to vent it out with a close pal over sms. I definitely intended to get back to normal self after that. The sweetheart husband of mine meanwhile walks in to sort out the silence. We brainstorm as politely as it can get and reach the end of the incident where we put across our points and agree to disagree. Later, I walked out politely, still left with few ashes that were being left to cool off on their own in both our minds.
Engaged myself with housework to assist my mil and that surprised J pleasantly. The boy was also cooling off and by the end of the day, we seemed to have gotten somewhere better, at least a better place than the evening scene. :) He did manage to say that he had missed me in his most genuine tone and that obviously cooled off whatever else was left in me. His expressions grew softer and I knew this was helping us to thaw the leftover ice completely. With 99% of the ice thawed, the day ended on a good note.
Sigh, men are such complicated beings and they call us complicated. :) And like I confessed to my close friend, I am learning to experience marital bliss.
Lesson learnt -
Me: I tried to explain I was fine with any place as my main focus was to spend time. He disagreed that I would have been satisfied with such an arrangement. I gave up trying to convince and decided to focus on what more he had to say. I need to curb my natural instincts to do things on the spur of the moment with my ever-so-careful husband. I shall use those instincts when it has got to do nothing with him as it causes confusion due to opposite natures.
Him: He needs to try to unlearn the objective attitude when his woman desires something. And get the comfort level to express what can work best at that point in time. For that, both our understanding and trust levels needs some time.
Us: Going to be tricky to not let the elders know about our silly or not-so-silly squabbles. However, keep it as dignified as possible and smoothen it out at the earliest possible chance. It is a trick to balance the art of compromising and not letting go of your self-respect at the same time.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Few things I am learning about marital bliss.....
1. Compromise over limits of freedom of expression - Do not laugh loud. Do not speak for long. Be accessible.
2. Independent - Use all the time before marriage to become independent in whatever you can think of.... driving, cooking, language, communication skills, finance.....
3. Learn to give space and get space - Sharing is caring. Do not be under the impression that you need to share everything under the sun with your spouse and also know whatever is running on his or her mind or life. This will allow you to step back when necessary and engage your time in something that would make a difference for yourself.
4. What appeals to you is not the focus of the marital world even if it means a small simple thing as to what you would like to eat or mood for "it". Learn to multi-task and adapt so that you can remain at peace and focus on what is necessary and good.
5. Learn to speak your mind and convince in the most effective way such that you can always call it truce as smoothly as possible. Be open to get convinced and see the other perspective. However, remember sometimes that you might not have enough time for all this idealism. Get thinking on your feet fast.
6. Always keep in touch with your roots, no matter how rosy your world might seem in the newly tinted glasses of pink romance. Learn to keep your life to yourself and open up to the right amount. And yet, learn to be independent of the roots too. Tough one.
Of all these things, one thing that I hold precious and close to heart - to be independent and to remember sharing is caring but draw a line. So far so good with minor quirks for a 16 day married life. Praying for the right dose of patience and sensibilities in both of us to lead a successful married life ahead.
2. Independent - Use all the time before marriage to become independent in whatever you can think of.... driving, cooking, language, communication skills, finance.....
3. Learn to give space and get space - Sharing is caring. Do not be under the impression that you need to share everything under the sun with your spouse and also know whatever is running on his or her mind or life. This will allow you to step back when necessary and engage your time in something that would make a difference for yourself.
4. What appeals to you is not the focus of the marital world even if it means a small simple thing as to what you would like to eat or mood for "it". Learn to multi-task and adapt so that you can remain at peace and focus on what is necessary and good.
5. Learn to speak your mind and convince in the most effective way such that you can always call it truce as smoothly as possible. Be open to get convinced and see the other perspective. However, remember sometimes that you might not have enough time for all this idealism. Get thinking on your feet fast.
6. Always keep in touch with your roots, no matter how rosy your world might seem in the newly tinted glasses of pink romance. Learn to keep your life to yourself and open up to the right amount. And yet, learn to be independent of the roots too. Tough one.
Of all these things, one thing that I hold precious and close to heart - to be independent and to remember sharing is caring but draw a line. So far so good with minor quirks for a 16 day married life. Praying for the right dose of patience and sensibilities in both of us to lead a successful married life ahead.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Mr. and Mrs. J K
Apr 22, 2011 - The red-lettered day for JK and me. Apr 21 was the reception to announce and celebrate the same in advance. ;) Hosted and celebrated at International S for K C.
When I look back, I sometimes feel I do not know how we reached so far. We have come a long way from where we knew each other and we still have a very long way to go. However, the long way to go from here is different from the long way we took to reach here. It is much more real and much more dynamic than our own imagination. The only thing static is that we are in it together as man and wife.
Dad got very sentimental towards the end of our wedding and said that all this was possible due to both of our efforts. :) In a way, he is very right. However, when I saw the hustle-bustle around me and JK on our D day and the days before that, I would give thank and credit K along with each and everyone in our respective families for everything.
Took a 4 week vacation for the wedding and here I am almost at the end of it with barely any time to realize that its almost the end. Initial week went in beautification and preparing for transfer of items. I procrastinated till the last possible minute and managed to only sort out the jewels. The feeling that I would be finally "officially" shifting choked me and made me procrastinate how much ever I could. Cooking is however in ground zero stage and I pray to K for helping me sail thro with utmost care and understanding from MIL to master the art asap. Second week went in preparing for the wedding with all of us running to different corners of the house and driving one another nuts. Third week went in relaxing from the hectic wedding activities and honeymooning in Shimla. JK was at his boyish and man-charming best. I wonder how I have been so far. Hopefully, good. :) Fourth week was back to reality and finally spent in shifting things of utmost necessity being the foremost priority. Getting there. Am telling myself to take it one day at a time to get used to the different language, place, people, habits around me. JK and his folks are doing their bit and I hope to respond with equal genuine bit.
Thinking about work makes me dizzy, mostly due to the vague project and assh-th. I need the money to pay off the wedding debt and I pray to K with utmost sincerity to shower his choicest and best blessings to help me sail thro every small to big hurdle and achieve success in both professional and personal front. I pray for JK in equal measure. We are a couple now - it really is taking time to sink in. Hope we get along with each other well forever and hope we get along well with respective immediate families and ILs, including distant ones. I miss my home and its comfort the most. I miss my folks for all kinds of reasons. :) Tried my best to extend my stay in the fourth week and JK sweetly obliged, thanks to his folks. To learn and unlearn is quite a daunting task. Hope all goes well for life.
Few of the sweetest things JK did - Tried to attend to every need of mine before the wedding as it was getting close and being ready to reason it out wherever it might cause friction, romantic best in Shimla and the day we shifted things from my parents to his - fed me for the first time. :) Made me cry during honeymoon for a very casual remark about my desire to tattoo (saying things about my age, maturity, new responsibilities, trying to take things for granted just because now we were married, being a software professional.....) and made up for it by kissing me on my cheek in public in Shimla. :) Words still hurt when it rings inside my head but he tried making up. Wonder why he got so touchy when it was definitely a plain teaser. Cant imagine anymore if I insisted even for the heck of it by saying I only wanted to tattoo something about him or on such lines on my arm etc.
Each day is new discovery about myself and I hope life prepares me to become stronger, smarter and sensitive and sensible in the right ratios to achieve success and peace in all fronts at the earliest and forever.
More scoops on all the above weeks in detail in subsequent blog posts..... :)
When I look back, I sometimes feel I do not know how we reached so far. We have come a long way from where we knew each other and we still have a very long way to go. However, the long way to go from here is different from the long way we took to reach here. It is much more real and much more dynamic than our own imagination. The only thing static is that we are in it together as man and wife.
Dad got very sentimental towards the end of our wedding and said that all this was possible due to both of our efforts. :) In a way, he is very right. However, when I saw the hustle-bustle around me and JK on our D day and the days before that, I would give thank and credit K along with each and everyone in our respective families for everything.
Took a 4 week vacation for the wedding and here I am almost at the end of it with barely any time to realize that its almost the end. Initial week went in beautification and preparing for transfer of items. I procrastinated till the last possible minute and managed to only sort out the jewels. The feeling that I would be finally "officially" shifting choked me and made me procrastinate how much ever I could. Cooking is however in ground zero stage and I pray to K for helping me sail thro with utmost care and understanding from MIL to master the art asap. Second week went in preparing for the wedding with all of us running to different corners of the house and driving one another nuts. Third week went in relaxing from the hectic wedding activities and honeymooning in Shimla. JK was at his boyish and man-charming best. I wonder how I have been so far. Hopefully, good. :) Fourth week was back to reality and finally spent in shifting things of utmost necessity being the foremost priority. Getting there. Am telling myself to take it one day at a time to get used to the different language, place, people, habits around me. JK and his folks are doing their bit and I hope to respond with equal genuine bit.
Thinking about work makes me dizzy, mostly due to the vague project and assh-th. I need the money to pay off the wedding debt and I pray to K with utmost sincerity to shower his choicest and best blessings to help me sail thro every small to big hurdle and achieve success in both professional and personal front. I pray for JK in equal measure. We are a couple now - it really is taking time to sink in. Hope we get along with each other well forever and hope we get along well with respective immediate families and ILs, including distant ones. I miss my home and its comfort the most. I miss my folks for all kinds of reasons. :) Tried my best to extend my stay in the fourth week and JK sweetly obliged, thanks to his folks. To learn and unlearn is quite a daunting task. Hope all goes well for life.
Few of the sweetest things JK did - Tried to attend to every need of mine before the wedding as it was getting close and being ready to reason it out wherever it might cause friction, romantic best in Shimla and the day we shifted things from my parents to his - fed me for the first time. :) Made me cry during honeymoon for a very casual remark about my desire to tattoo (saying things about my age, maturity, new responsibilities, trying to take things for granted just because now we were married, being a software professional.....) and made up for it by kissing me on my cheek in public in Shimla. :) Words still hurt when it rings inside my head but he tried making up. Wonder why he got so touchy when it was definitely a plain teaser. Cant imagine anymore if I insisted even for the heck of it by saying I only wanted to tattoo something about him or on such lines on my arm etc.
Each day is new discovery about myself and I hope life prepares me to become stronger, smarter and sensitive and sensible in the right ratios to achieve success and peace in all fronts at the earliest and forever.
More scoops on all the above weeks in detail in subsequent blog posts..... :)
Monday, February 28, 2011
What a mixed of state of mind.
So unsure of myself - this phase is so new to me and at the same time so naturally me. I do not know what I want to do at work or in my personal life. And yes, it leaves me with such deep-seated qualms about my future that is almost 50 odd days away.
Finance is one of the main reasons for my jittery state of mind with so many other important responsibilities to be handled simultaneously - wife, dil, sil and not sure when the family expansion mode would set into the spouse once the knot is tied. I do not want to rush into that mode yet as the stepping stones are itself so steep. And how do I let go or not hold on to with the natural sense of zeal to my roots which is how I have been shaped down to the electrons in my mind/body.
Work-wise, I am neither pushing myself hard to get somewhere nor am I doing what I have been given with pleasure or infact any bit of interest. I know the world is moving too fast around me and I am just acting as if I have been stoned.
Romance is happening with its own peaks and lows. Stark opposite nature does cause friction and me being sensitive is just not the right dosage to heal the lows or move from the highs. I'd like to draw a line and work on myself before I throw myself into the sea of passion or belonging. Otherwise, wounds would occur so easily that nobody would know when what happened but the sore feeling would not be missed for a long long time.
Friendship also seems so out of touch with every friend getting busier. I thought I was independent but am emotionally still looking for an anchor. Books and short stories have been a consoling shoulder.
I should swim harder and get out of the sea of depression before it swallows me. New things beckon and I better not let it affect my work or my personal life. God, please help and throw the fishing net soon enough in some way.
Finance is one of the main reasons for my jittery state of mind with so many other important responsibilities to be handled simultaneously - wife, dil, sil and not sure when the family expansion mode would set into the spouse once the knot is tied. I do not want to rush into that mode yet as the stepping stones are itself so steep. And how do I let go or not hold on to with the natural sense of zeal to my roots which is how I have been shaped down to the electrons in my mind/body.
Work-wise, I am neither pushing myself hard to get somewhere nor am I doing what I have been given with pleasure or infact any bit of interest. I know the world is moving too fast around me and I am just acting as if I have been stoned.
Romance is happening with its own peaks and lows. Stark opposite nature does cause friction and me being sensitive is just not the right dosage to heal the lows or move from the highs. I'd like to draw a line and work on myself before I throw myself into the sea of passion or belonging. Otherwise, wounds would occur so easily that nobody would know when what happened but the sore feeling would not be missed for a long long time.
Friendship also seems so out of touch with every friend getting busier. I thought I was independent but am emotionally still looking for an anchor. Books and short stories have been a consoling shoulder.
I should swim harder and get out of the sea of depression before it swallows me. New things beckon and I better not let it affect my work or my personal life. God, please help and throw the fishing net soon enough in some way.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Happiness galore and a pinch of regret - makes me feel human anyway!
Good news today that has done wonders to my sister and indefinitely even for my parents - My sis cleared her CA first set of papers with flying colors. She had written this set long back and cleared Group 1 with average marks. However, to complete the first set, she needed to clear Group 2 and it happened at last on her 3rd attempt. When she did not clear the last two times, she was so heart-broken and desolate.... phew, I did not have enough words to console her but her efforts have finally paid off. She was pretty mature this time in handling her fears when it was result time and so very happy when she informed me about her success. She is now capable to work in any multinational firm for a good pay and still only 20 years old. :) Her marks are supposed to be equal to any rank-holder. :)
When she called me to inform this, I was so elated and the minute she mentioned that my dad was very happy, I felt my heart sink with sadness. I was shocked at my own self but realized that I had this regret alive in me for disappointing my parents with my incomplete B.Sc degree and having let them down. What he says in 3 idiots is so true. :D Anyways, am human and I hope to do my bit that can keep my parents proud and content.
Am glad that the lil girl is now just one more set of exams, final year B.Com exams and few months of articleship away from becoming a qualified CA. That would be her key to success in life and career and the apple of my parents' eyes. God bless her and fulfill all her dreams and keep her grounded at the same time.
When she called me to inform this, I was so elated and the minute she mentioned that my dad was very happy, I felt my heart sink with sadness. I was shocked at my own self but realized that I had this regret alive in me for disappointing my parents with my incomplete B.Sc degree and having let them down. What he says in 3 idiots is so true. :D Anyways, am human and I hope to do my bit that can keep my parents proud and content.
Am glad that the lil girl is now just one more set of exams, final year B.Com exams and few months of articleship away from becoming a qualified CA. That would be her key to success in life and career and the apple of my parents' eyes. God bless her and fulfill all her dreams and keep her grounded at the same time.
Monday, February 7, 2011
JK and my first anniversary.....
Feb 6, 2010 - Fateful day that changed JK's life and so did mine. I had managed to cough up the guts to ask JK if he was interested in me and marriage - basically, proposed to him.
How I did it - I do not know. :D
I mean, I had wanted to ask him in Sep 2009 itself, then pushed it to Dec 2009 and then did not want to ask at all. I was not at all sure and did not want to rush - Once bitten, twice shy. Also, he had just then joined my work place in Aug 2009 as my referral after a short gap caused by job hunt due to recession, esp. in US. It was my personal pressure point - my parents were freaking out to get me settled with me turning 28 years and me wanting to tie the knot with someone whom I'd like along with parents' approval, but no hard and fast rules that it had to be love/arranged. Life had taught me enough and JK was very keen to sort out his life with work being the top-most priority at that point in time. On the other hand, JK's comfort level with me was growing into good friendship. So why would anyone want to spoil it?
On the fateful Feb 5 evening, JK and I went to Koshys for a light snack as it was his turn to invite me for a casual meet over coffee. I was trying to not overdo my turns to invite him for plays or coffee or dinner/lunch treats. He was lapping up all the attention I showered on him at work or otherwise. I knew I was hinting but the block-head will not ask more than coffee invitations. To top it, he kinda got the drift after my sms in Sep 2009 that I'd like to talk to him about something personal someday. :P RAC?!! ;)
In Koshy's though, I saw some minor changes in JK's behavior - he was his friendly self but was imitating my actions and that was obviously giving me some very hazy ideas about his interest level in me. I had been sure that I will wait for some signs from him and if things looked just as they seem aka friendship, then I would go and tie the knot with Srinivas, the CA chap at the earliest chance and sort out life thereafter. I had had enough with my parents. However, I went home and after a great deal of brainstorming and finding few convincing signs from JK, I sent him a message that I wanted to talk and we could meet or it could be done over the phone. He replied back saying he was fine to meet. The fateful meeting was to happen in Cha Bar at 4ish.
I had worked out Feb 6th as the date coz the next week was Valentines and I did not want to run the show with the world - so cliched and the week next would be my birthday. What if the answer was a no?! Who would want to spend a year moping for Feb 14 or spoil their bday? Plus Cha bar is a decent place and not far from my home too. ;)
We met and I was my usual jabber, trying to cover the butterflies and procrastinate. At one point, there was an awkward silence and JK gave me a known look - "What did you want to talk?"
A little flashback - He had asked me this q in Sep 2009 in Coffee day at Lido mall very innocently and I just mumbled some dumb pretext about doing it later. That was another funny meeting initiated by me to watch a movie which turned out to be A rated and I did not know where to keep my face that particular evening. JK was enjoying the whole thing inside but accompanying me to different theatres. Thankfully, we did not watch any movie that day. In Dec 2009, I offered to treat for my 2.5 year completion and he found it hilarious that someone would insist so much. Not his fault completely but I was planning to ask him out. However, I was definitely not prepared for the conversation. I was both very embarrassed and annoyed at my situation. So, I gave the treat and quietly postponed the thought to later or choose any other option for my future.
Now, back to Cha bar, I realized I could not procrastinate further and asked him first thing - "Are you seeing anybody?" He gave me a known wise smile and said no. I decided to take the hint and plunged right at the point - Only strategy was to mention that it was because of my parents and wanted to know what he had to offer. I would not mention anything about my feelings or all that usual cliche coz that would make the friendship suffer and everything was still very nascent. He listened to me patiently and said "No. I would not be interested in marriage as my parents would not support me in this." That was it and it was time to wind up on a friendly note. So, I said that was perfectly fine and we could let this thing pass and wind up for the day. He tried to prod me more ("I would love to but I cant.") in return as to what I wanted and keep parents aside. I still remember the answer I gave and am proud of myself for that - "That is not necessary anymore when we the answer is a no." We stood our grounds, showed our best behavior as usual and decided to leave. I shopped for some CDs at Oxford and everything was normal on the outside. Inside, I was now working out other alternatives and trying not to show anything that would spoil the friendship. The boy, as usual, was trying to observe every movement of mine and getting confused totally. I insisted I would go home on my own but he insisted he would drop me. I still do not know why he insisted. On the way, he tried prodding me again and that was taking its toll on me. At one speedbreaker near HAL factory, there was a movie-like scene - He had not pressed the brakes on time and I obviously fell on him. I remember holding my ground and not getting distracted or confused. That did leave an impression on him. ;) I remember very vividly what he said at 11th cross board - "Many girls have proposed to me. This is not new." I was annoyed at his arrogance but then I did not want to misinterpret anything anymore. So, I left it just at that and thanked him with a msg asking if all is well and nothing had changed and would prefer him to remain the same mocking friendly self. He replies back sweetly - Yes. All is well and I will not stop mocking you. Well, I was a sweet goof too - I had asked out a guy and still walked out with my head in the air, least unaffected after a "No.". :D
I could sense a change in his attitude from the next working day onwards. He started initiating outings and would wait for my arrival at work. Everything was discrete though. :) On V-day, I sent him a message to wish him, totally not my nature and he calls back saying that he wanted to talk and clarify few things. As it was in Cha bar, both of us again remained neutral on the outside and spoke maturely about our wants/preferences and how we should work it out. I cant recall why or when he invited me for a treat at Gateway hotel. It was again a follow-up conversation to decide to make sure he was making the right decision to try to go ahead with this deal. I was quite clueless about a lot of things but then I knew certain priorities.
We had a lot of conversations after that in different places (mostly at Ants) about our strategies, rules and how to proceed for the deal. His insistence to not get involved emotionally was taking a toll but I realized that it was sensible. It did show me how patient I could get and how I could coax things out of him or make him see sense or follow his logic to keep all stakeholders happy - I made him admit his feelings for me once though it was decided that we would get involved only if parents approved, horoscopes matched etc. etc. I met another alliance and that irked me somewhere but then made me decide that it was JK whom I preferred. Calmed my parents to wait for his side to move forward. At one point, both of us started liking each other though things were unstable and we were waiting for the horoscope match results as if it were do or die phase. At another point, he started pushing his family with subtle and confusing hints about me. I was enjoying and getting serious about him when I got to see his liking for me, how it got me upset and awkward between us when his mom did not approve, how he sent my photo to his sis, how they came home and met us formally, how his mom started warming up to me, how we reached the final "yes" phase. Then the second meeting to discuss engagement date, then his US visit, then preparing ourselves to announce it at work. Got ragged royally - He keeps wanting to announce it before my turn and I was praying inwards to somehow delay that as I was busy in a training. We announced it at the same time to our respective teams and some nodded with a known look and some were zapped. The engagement went on well and gave an idea about the families. I had even played a prank on a close friend about JK and it boomeranged but fun indeed. :D We did engagement shopping and preparation, wedding hall hunt, date decision, my dowry jewelry shopping for him together. :D
Celebrated yesterday in a quiet way by attending his best friend's wedding and tea at Cha Bar. We even sat at the same seats and reminisced about how this started, what lies ahead and how we like. I got a little impulsive and ended the day by calling him to wish goodnight and say "love you" at 10:45 pm when I very well knew he would be snoring to glory. :) The pig picked the call - "What happened? Go on. Its ok. Tell me.", snorted in his zombie state and replied back - "Love you too. Good night." I was in splits and also mildly annoyed. :D He tells me today that he liked that sweet pleasant surprise act of mine. :) Yeah right, always loves my attention, no doubt. To give the same, he would show some bit of pricey airs. Phew, porki and a sweetheart
Been a quirky fun ride so far. I pray for better and sweeter things ahead for both of us and for people involved with us forever.
How I did it - I do not know. :D
I mean, I had wanted to ask him in Sep 2009 itself, then pushed it to Dec 2009 and then did not want to ask at all. I was not at all sure and did not want to rush - Once bitten, twice shy. Also, he had just then joined my work place in Aug 2009 as my referral after a short gap caused by job hunt due to recession, esp. in US. It was my personal pressure point - my parents were freaking out to get me settled with me turning 28 years and me wanting to tie the knot with someone whom I'd like along with parents' approval, but no hard and fast rules that it had to be love/arranged. Life had taught me enough and JK was very keen to sort out his life with work being the top-most priority at that point in time. On the other hand, JK's comfort level with me was growing into good friendship. So why would anyone want to spoil it?
On the fateful Feb 5 evening, JK and I went to Koshys for a light snack as it was his turn to invite me for a casual meet over coffee. I was trying to not overdo my turns to invite him for plays or coffee or dinner/lunch treats. He was lapping up all the attention I showered on him at work or otherwise. I knew I was hinting but the block-head will not ask more than coffee invitations. To top it, he kinda got the drift after my sms in Sep 2009 that I'd like to talk to him about something personal someday. :P RAC?!! ;)
In Koshy's though, I saw some minor changes in JK's behavior - he was his friendly self but was imitating my actions and that was obviously giving me some very hazy ideas about his interest level in me. I had been sure that I will wait for some signs from him and if things looked just as they seem aka friendship, then I would go and tie the knot with Srinivas, the CA chap at the earliest chance and sort out life thereafter. I had had enough with my parents. However, I went home and after a great deal of brainstorming and finding few convincing signs from JK, I sent him a message that I wanted to talk and we could meet or it could be done over the phone. He replied back saying he was fine to meet. The fateful meeting was to happen in Cha Bar at 4ish.
I had worked out Feb 6th as the date coz the next week was Valentines and I did not want to run the show with the world - so cliched and the week next would be my birthday. What if the answer was a no?! Who would want to spend a year moping for Feb 14 or spoil their bday? Plus Cha bar is a decent place and not far from my home too. ;)
We met and I was my usual jabber, trying to cover the butterflies and procrastinate. At one point, there was an awkward silence and JK gave me a known look - "What did you want to talk?"
A little flashback - He had asked me this q in Sep 2009 in Coffee day at Lido mall very innocently and I just mumbled some dumb pretext about doing it later. That was another funny meeting initiated by me to watch a movie which turned out to be A rated and I did not know where to keep my face that particular evening. JK was enjoying the whole thing inside but accompanying me to different theatres. Thankfully, we did not watch any movie that day. In Dec 2009, I offered to treat for my 2.5 year completion and he found it hilarious that someone would insist so much. Not his fault completely but I was planning to ask him out. However, I was definitely not prepared for the conversation. I was both very embarrassed and annoyed at my situation. So, I gave the treat and quietly postponed the thought to later or choose any other option for my future.
Now, back to Cha bar, I realized I could not procrastinate further and asked him first thing - "Are you seeing anybody?" He gave me a known wise smile and said no. I decided to take the hint and plunged right at the point - Only strategy was to mention that it was because of my parents and wanted to know what he had to offer. I would not mention anything about my feelings or all that usual cliche coz that would make the friendship suffer and everything was still very nascent. He listened to me patiently and said "No. I would not be interested in marriage as my parents would not support me in this." That was it and it was time to wind up on a friendly note. So, I said that was perfectly fine and we could let this thing pass and wind up for the day. He tried to prod me more ("I would love to but I cant.") in return as to what I wanted and keep parents aside. I still remember the answer I gave and am proud of myself for that - "That is not necessary anymore when we the answer is a no." We stood our grounds, showed our best behavior as usual and decided to leave. I shopped for some CDs at Oxford and everything was normal on the outside. Inside, I was now working out other alternatives and trying not to show anything that would spoil the friendship. The boy, as usual, was trying to observe every movement of mine and getting confused totally. I insisted I would go home on my own but he insisted he would drop me. I still do not know why he insisted. On the way, he tried prodding me again and that was taking its toll on me. At one speedbreaker near HAL factory, there was a movie-like scene - He had not pressed the brakes on time and I obviously fell on him. I remember holding my ground and not getting distracted or confused. That did leave an impression on him. ;) I remember very vividly what he said at 11th cross board - "Many girls have proposed to me. This is not new." I was annoyed at his arrogance but then I did not want to misinterpret anything anymore. So, I left it just at that and thanked him with a msg asking if all is well and nothing had changed and would prefer him to remain the same mocking friendly self. He replies back sweetly - Yes. All is well and I will not stop mocking you. Well, I was a sweet goof too - I had asked out a guy and still walked out with my head in the air, least unaffected after a "No.". :D
I could sense a change in his attitude from the next working day onwards. He started initiating outings and would wait for my arrival at work. Everything was discrete though. :) On V-day, I sent him a message to wish him, totally not my nature and he calls back saying that he wanted to talk and clarify few things. As it was in Cha bar, both of us again remained neutral on the outside and spoke maturely about our wants/preferences and how we should work it out. I cant recall why or when he invited me for a treat at Gateway hotel. It was again a follow-up conversation to decide to make sure he was making the right decision to try to go ahead with this deal. I was quite clueless about a lot of things but then I knew certain priorities.
We had a lot of conversations after that in different places (mostly at Ants) about our strategies, rules and how to proceed for the deal. His insistence to not get involved emotionally was taking a toll but I realized that it was sensible. It did show me how patient I could get and how I could coax things out of him or make him see sense or follow his logic to keep all stakeholders happy - I made him admit his feelings for me once though it was decided that we would get involved only if parents approved, horoscopes matched etc. etc. I met another alliance and that irked me somewhere but then made me decide that it was JK whom I preferred. Calmed my parents to wait for his side to move forward. At one point, both of us started liking each other though things were unstable and we were waiting for the horoscope match results as if it were do or die phase. At another point, he started pushing his family with subtle and confusing hints about me. I was enjoying and getting serious about him when I got to see his liking for me, how it got me upset and awkward between us when his mom did not approve, how he sent my photo to his sis, how they came home and met us formally, how his mom started warming up to me, how we reached the final "yes" phase. Then the second meeting to discuss engagement date, then his US visit, then preparing ourselves to announce it at work. Got ragged royally - He keeps wanting to announce it before my turn and I was praying inwards to somehow delay that as I was busy in a training. We announced it at the same time to our respective teams and some nodded with a known look and some were zapped. The engagement went on well and gave an idea about the families. I had even played a prank on a close friend about JK and it boomeranged but fun indeed. :D We did engagement shopping and preparation, wedding hall hunt, date decision, my dowry jewelry shopping for him together. :D
Celebrated yesterday in a quiet way by attending his best friend's wedding and tea at Cha Bar. We even sat at the same seats and reminisced about how this started, what lies ahead and how we like. I got a little impulsive and ended the day by calling him to wish goodnight and say "love you" at 10:45 pm when I very well knew he would be snoring to glory. :) The pig picked the call - "What happened? Go on. Its ok. Tell me.", snorted in his zombie state and replied back - "Love you too. Good night." I was in splits and also mildly annoyed. :D He tells me today that he liked that sweet pleasant surprise act of mine. :) Yeah right, always loves my attention, no doubt. To give the same, he would show some bit of pricey airs. Phew, porki and a sweetheart
Been a quirky fun ride so far. I pray for better and sweeter things ahead for both of us and for people involved with us forever.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
3rd month anniversary of my engagement with JK
Today is the 3rd month anniversary of my engagement with JK. Yes, its now 3 months since he became my fiance officially. Sometimes it feels as if I've gotten used to it and sometimes am caught unaware that it actually has reached here from acquaintanceship.
As I've told many times to close pals and others, this was not planned though even JK does not agree, thanks to how I told him I got impressed with his decent and friendly nature as we got to know each other better, esp. the NY sight-seeing trip during my US visit in 2008. Whenever I used to talk about the NY trip, I somehow landed up telling about this genuinely decent guy and now JK uses that to tease me that I fell for him flat on my face since then. What would a girl do otherwise when a guy is being cordial to her and not a bit in-your-face flirtatious in a strange land? It is a different story when he says he had nothing else to do at that time and had not actually gone out of his way, just coz it was me. According to him, he has been cordial to a lot of people, esp. women. Well, if that was his nature, good for all of us and himself. :P However, he cant deny the fact that he is the one who used to ping me almost everyday and catch up, which is how we became good friends. I can twist his intentions too here. ;) But I admit that both of us really did not see where this was going and reaching here just happened as a matter-of-fact, thanks to circumstances.
This quote describes what I agree on the definition of love and hope to feel every bit of it for JK in the days coming ahead for both of us. I already am quite there (last 4 lines):
“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
He is the one who casually remarked that its our 3rd monthly anniversary. I really did not realize it out of my way, though it did strike me in the last few months. Instead, I've been asking and telling myself where I am going when the calendar shows 22nd. :)
Got a lovely bracelet and a pair of earrings all the way from US from AM & DE, thro CL at work as gifts for my engagement and wedding news. JK teased me as usual that AM and I are love birds. :P The earrings are supposed to be genuine garnet and diamonds. Few of my colleagues were wowed but I was touched more than wowed.
Jan 24th, 2011 was a complete surprise to me and a very special date for the two of us. Got to see J's not-underground side and that evening makes me go weak in my knees, even now when I think of it as I type these lines. He actually made me feel really wanted and obviously extremely special and s*n*ual. I know he felt the same way as he acknowledged later that it was a very special date. :)
Got a new year gift from him - chicken soup for the Indian romantic soul. A perfect recipe to drown in the romantic feeling. :) Gifted him a bluetooth hands-free. I was surprised that he got me a gift and I surprised him in return. ;) Sweethearts for sure and I hope we remain so always. He visited my place to say hi to me & my folks and also wish for New Year. I obviously tried to fit into his dream-wife role and scored brownies but it is such a tough task, I swear. :)
The boy has a knack of twisting everything wherein he still can get me into splits of laughter or annoy me the most. Gift of gab and a twisted logical mind are the reasons for his behavior. No matter what, he is very gentle behind all that sarcasm and serious nature.
I have an idea but not completely as to how he perceives me. That anyway does not make me stop from trying to work on my minus points to make our lives better. I love the boy. :) I hope to care for his family and fit well and viceversa when it comes to J and mine or J's folks with me.
Work is giving me nightmares. I do not know where I am headed and I completely am losing my faith in the product that I am working on. Am trying my best to kill the vagueness and get rid of my fears of swimming in the dark but I land up procrastinating. Only then will I also get the clarity on gearing up simultaneously for the next big turning point in my life where I have to don so many different roles at once and face the big tide. Got to pull myself up. Also, need people in my team (project, department) to cooperate their best and same from me. All this with a good work-life balance.
Got to hear great news from a good school friend that she is married now to a good friend of hers. Her whole story makes me feel so special as she got the comfort level to share it without missing a detail, although delayed. No complaints on the delay as she has all the rights to sort out and decide when what is best. The couple look so so so cute together and I love the contentment in her voice when she speaks of him. Well-deserved turning point in her life. Hope the remaining loose ends also clear themselves for her soon.
Another school friend of mine is so happily married that I wish it lasts forever for him. Touchwood! His own words -
Mahesh: I hope you are not scared of the whole thing.
me: not a lot :)
Mahesh: good. i got the correct answer. i felt the same when i was in this situation. but believe me it will be so only for a month or two after the marriage.
me: and then wot happens? were u more scared or completely comfy? :D
Mahesh: in my case, I was quite comfortable for a couple of reasons.
the families had jelled very well and were very comfortable.
then are both of a similar nature, very frank, straight forward and quite open, helped us get to know each other very well too early
then her family was very cool and broad minded, and our frequencies were of a very close match.
Her sister's presence made a very big difference to us, she did her part in making sure we know each other very well
i can say one thing, her sister is a fantastic human being and very lucky to have such a person in my life.
ofcourse my parents and her parents were in constant touch.
All together it made the transition look very simple for both of us. In fact we felt our wedding was just a function.
This is our story in a jist.
me: :) good to hear it
i've observed this in ur family
now wen i hear it, i obviously get a better idea
shashi's sister has definitely helped u two a great deal
Mahesh: very true. a very nice family.
In my case what has happened is, when i decided on the relationship, I had a very few critical parameters for me to decide. I took the decision after expecting 20% and now I feel I have got 2000%
its a very nice feeling.
me: :) i can sense it in the confidence levels
there is a huge change in ur confidence levels before and after marriage
u seem to know ur priorities and preferences better than before in any aspect of ur life
Mahesh: hmm. Yes it has made a big change in my life. I feel it was worth all the struggle through out my childhood.
me: :) am very happy to hear that.
life has its own ways to make things seem better
Mahesh: hmm all part and parcel of life.
Am waiting to hear about such good turning point from another very good friend of mine. She is so romantic and so mature but her fury is equally strong. She deserves an end to her woes and yes, has to also accept and oblige to her own share of compromises as it is with anyone in their married life. I will anyway support her any day.
All of these things put together makes me so hopeful and increases my belief in all the romances that is written, made into movies and spoken.
As I've told many times to close pals and others, this was not planned though even JK does not agree, thanks to how I told him I got impressed with his decent and friendly nature as we got to know each other better, esp. the NY sight-seeing trip during my US visit in 2008. Whenever I used to talk about the NY trip, I somehow landed up telling about this genuinely decent guy and now JK uses that to tease me that I fell for him flat on my face since then. What would a girl do otherwise when a guy is being cordial to her and not a bit in-your-face flirtatious in a strange land? It is a different story when he says he had nothing else to do at that time and had not actually gone out of his way, just coz it was me. According to him, he has been cordial to a lot of people, esp. women. Well, if that was his nature, good for all of us and himself. :P However, he cant deny the fact that he is the one who used to ping me almost everyday and catch up, which is how we became good friends. I can twist his intentions too here. ;) But I admit that both of us really did not see where this was going and reaching here just happened as a matter-of-fact, thanks to circumstances.
This quote describes what I agree on the definition of love and hope to feel every bit of it for JK in the days coming ahead for both of us. I already am quite there (last 4 lines):
“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
He is the one who casually remarked that its our 3rd monthly anniversary. I really did not realize it out of my way, though it did strike me in the last few months. Instead, I've been asking and telling myself where I am going when the calendar shows 22nd. :)
Got a lovely bracelet and a pair of earrings all the way from US from AM & DE, thro CL at work as gifts for my engagement and wedding news. JK teased me as usual that AM and I are love birds. :P The earrings are supposed to be genuine garnet and diamonds. Few of my colleagues were wowed but I was touched more than wowed.
Jan 24th, 2011 was a complete surprise to me and a very special date for the two of us. Got to see J's not-underground side and that evening makes me go weak in my knees, even now when I think of it as I type these lines. He actually made me feel really wanted and obviously extremely special and s*n*ual. I know he felt the same way as he acknowledged later that it was a very special date. :)
Got a new year gift from him - chicken soup for the Indian romantic soul. A perfect recipe to drown in the romantic feeling. :) Gifted him a bluetooth hands-free. I was surprised that he got me a gift and I surprised him in return. ;) Sweethearts for sure and I hope we remain so always. He visited my place to say hi to me & my folks and also wish for New Year. I obviously tried to fit into his dream-wife role and scored brownies but it is such a tough task, I swear. :)
The boy has a knack of twisting everything wherein he still can get me into splits of laughter or annoy me the most. Gift of gab and a twisted logical mind are the reasons for his behavior. No matter what, he is very gentle behind all that sarcasm and serious nature.
I have an idea but not completely as to how he perceives me. That anyway does not make me stop from trying to work on my minus points to make our lives better. I love the boy. :) I hope to care for his family and fit well and viceversa when it comes to J and mine or J's folks with me.
Work is giving me nightmares. I do not know where I am headed and I completely am losing my faith in the product that I am working on. Am trying my best to kill the vagueness and get rid of my fears of swimming in the dark but I land up procrastinating. Only then will I also get the clarity on gearing up simultaneously for the next big turning point in my life where I have to don so many different roles at once and face the big tide. Got to pull myself up. Also, need people in my team (project, department) to cooperate their best and same from me. All this with a good work-life balance.
Got to hear great news from a good school friend that she is married now to a good friend of hers. Her whole story makes me feel so special as she got the comfort level to share it without missing a detail, although delayed. No complaints on the delay as she has all the rights to sort out and decide when what is best. The couple look so so so cute together and I love the contentment in her voice when she speaks of him. Well-deserved turning point in her life. Hope the remaining loose ends also clear themselves for her soon.
Another school friend of mine is so happily married that I wish it lasts forever for him. Touchwood! His own words -
Mahesh: I hope you are not scared of the whole thing.
me: not a lot :)
Mahesh: good. i got the correct answer. i felt the same when i was in this situation. but believe me it will be so only for a month or two after the marriage.
me: and then wot happens? were u more scared or completely comfy? :D
Mahesh: in my case, I was quite comfortable for a couple of reasons.
the families had jelled very well and were very comfortable.
then are both of a similar nature, very frank, straight forward and quite open, helped us get to know each other very well too early
then her family was very cool and broad minded, and our frequencies were of a very close match.
Her sister's presence made a very big difference to us, she did her part in making sure we know each other very well
i can say one thing, her sister is a fantastic human being and very lucky to have such a person in my life.
ofcourse my parents and her parents were in constant touch.
All together it made the transition look very simple for both of us. In fact we felt our wedding was just a function.
This is our story in a jist.
me: :) good to hear it
i've observed this in ur family
now wen i hear it, i obviously get a better idea
shashi's sister has definitely helped u two a great deal
Mahesh: very true. a very nice family.
In my case what has happened is, when i decided on the relationship, I had a very few critical parameters for me to decide. I took the decision after expecting 20% and now I feel I have got 2000%
its a very nice feeling.
me: :) i can sense it in the confidence levels
there is a huge change in ur confidence levels before and after marriage
u seem to know ur priorities and preferences better than before in any aspect of ur life
Mahesh: hmm. Yes it has made a big change in my life. I feel it was worth all the struggle through out my childhood.
me: :) am very happy to hear that.
life has its own ways to make things seem better
Mahesh: hmm all part and parcel of life.
Am waiting to hear about such good turning point from another very good friend of mine. She is so romantic and so mature but her fury is equally strong. She deserves an end to her woes and yes, has to also accept and oblige to her own share of compromises as it is with anyone in their married life. I will anyway support her any day.
All of these things put together makes me so hopeful and increases my belief in all the romances that is written, made into movies and spoken.
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