Sigh!
To do or not to do is the biggest concern and dilemma in my life now.
Citrix, a company with quite good reputation took its own sweet time to offer me a job with a desired pay package at a lower designation level and have remained quite reserved about their work culture. During the interview time, I was very casual and laid-back as I was more keen in knowing the market expectations and my worth. My profile's worth was average but my company's profile was more of a convincing factor for Citrix to offer the job. However, they have been sometimes so employee-friendly in the interview rounds and sometimes so off-track. I really am tempted to join Citrix as it offers good pay, transportation + food free of cost, new domain experience etc. With my growing attraction towards JK, I find myself becoming clingy. Out of sight, out of mind might strengthen the relationship better and make me stronger and give him his space. Also, the hike in the pay would help me a lot to save up and pay off loans or splurge post-marriage. However, if the work culture is not like NetApp and ends up giving me shit loads of work to be completed without offering flexibility, then I do not want to land up with regrets and bitterness about changes that life is offering post-marriage. I tried giving my joining date expectations after a lot of rational thought. Am dying to hear something positive from them at the very earliest.
At the same time, I so badly do NOT want to quit NetApp for a lot of reasons like been here for 3+ years, known some of the people quite well along with the projects + processes, JK's presence though we hardly interact inspite of being in the same floor or same dept., gratuity amount, handle less surprises in addition to the biggest life-changing surprise called marriage, NetApp's market worth and my hopes to have a lifetime stint here until retirement and gratitude towards NetApp for giving many of my firsts in few things in life. However, the present management changes, politics and ego clashes in the team, product feature changes are keeping things so vague and frustrating to work. Also, post-marriage fears about heavy traffic along with long distance travelling and depending on JK on commuting makes me want to choose Citrix over NetApp.
All I want is a great job with great perks, great work culture, healthy environment to work with satisfaction and achieve success (monetary, mental, social and physical), good friends and a great work-life balance. Born in a middle class family, the money is very important to manage every small and big need in every way. Also, the mind needs to remain occupied, strong and positive for establishing healthy environment at home and work-place. God, please help SOON.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Break ke baad....
This title is inspired after the to-be-released movie in the same name. The movie is about "space in relationships". ;)
Wrote a blog post on companionship some months ago and this blog post follows its heels in a short interval. Maybe not expected so soon or maybe this is the how the cycle of events leads two people in a relationship.
I do not mean to sound condescending but it is a tricky task to balance your space and your growing closeness with your partner. You grow and allow the relationship grow to make it a mutual long-term success. Sigh, it is a self-taught lesson with its own ups and downs. Or more of an eternally evolving realization.
JK and I are in the midst of this learning lesson. Atleast I know that it is happening between us. Working in the same place and being in a relationship that is maturing into marriage i.e. going into a long-term phase has its ups and downs.
Ups - I keep hearing that I would get to travel to work together post-marriage and the distance should not matter. :D Apart from that, its true that we get to meet every day and that should only strengthen the relationship for good in the long term. Also, work-wise, it might help us establish better contacts or updates on corporate news etc. Plus the understanding about work role increases which should help in reaching better compatibility in non-work front.
Downs - I somehow do not really acknowledge that working in the same place allows closeness to grow, given that JK and I are of different temperaments, sometimes stark opposite. Yet again, maybe the differences in our temperaments makes the balancing act trickier. Am more of an optimist but not overly into it and JK is more of a realist. There have been conversations wherein I have realized that we are of totally different opinions and the best way to come to terms is arrive at similar median ground or agree to disagree. Not an easy task always when it involves decision-making or sensitive issues, but then if you treat your partner as a friend, then things can get smooth.
For example, the latest weekend outing turned out to be sour though it came out of an eventful progress in the relationship - we got engaged. :) Ramanjaneya temple in Hanumanth Nagar has become one of my special haunts after this relationship progressed few steps ahead gradually and started getting serious on all personal fronts, keeping everyone happy and excited. JK takes time out of his weekend and plans for the visit as I wanted to go to the temple to say thanks to Mr. Hanuman. I look forward to it too and all goes well with good weather, a hectic car drive for JK, satisfying temple visit and a surprise long-time pending visit to Vidyarthi Bhavan.
Phew, my rating favors MTR any day more than VB. Time always being quicker than me runs and its now 7 pm. JK wants to rush home to be with his family and you can imagine what follows next. :)
Not that I am against him spending quality time with his aged parents, however I want to sneak in some more time with the "fiance" but looking at his exhausted state and restlessness about the 25 km back and forth drive, I bite my lips and somehow all his efforts do not console my growing anger or disappointment. It is a weekend after all and it should not hurt to keep looking at the watch. I can not justify his actions but I do feel that he is losing the romantic part of a relationship by getting so caught up in the traffic woes and time management. Like a 35 year old man who has been married for 2 years. I wonder if I am behaving like a teenager or starry-eyed early-20 blonde. I feel as if I am a normal bride-to-be. :) And I so wish I knew to drive a car and had one. I would definitely do more than empathising or complaining. Hmmm, sigh. I could feel these feelings brewing silently. As its my nature, I tried to divert my mind and appear normal. I guess I need to master that art.
The car drive on the way home to drop me is filled with awkward silences and JK gets a hint. Called me at late-night to check if all was fine and I spilt everything from my system. Am sure I was playfully rude but then I realised I have to cut down my dreamy courtship phase expectations and get grounded to match JK's realistic approach to balance his time with everyone around and understand his traffic woes much better than just empathizing.
The whole outing was very pleasant for the events but when the time crunch comes to the forefront, I only feel I should distance myself from JK to keep the balancing act going well. So, working in the same place does not really help all the way. Waiting for a divine intervention to change a few things to make me more peaceful or him more adventurous or the work life interesting for the better. Lets see.
Break ke baad indeed. :)
Wrote a blog post on companionship some months ago and this blog post follows its heels in a short interval. Maybe not expected so soon or maybe this is the how the cycle of events leads two people in a relationship.
I do not mean to sound condescending but it is a tricky task to balance your space and your growing closeness with your partner. You grow and allow the relationship grow to make it a mutual long-term success. Sigh, it is a self-taught lesson with its own ups and downs. Or more of an eternally evolving realization.
JK and I are in the midst of this learning lesson. Atleast I know that it is happening between us. Working in the same place and being in a relationship that is maturing into marriage i.e. going into a long-term phase has its ups and downs.
Ups - I keep hearing that I would get to travel to work together post-marriage and the distance should not matter. :D Apart from that, its true that we get to meet every day and that should only strengthen the relationship for good in the long term. Also, work-wise, it might help us establish better contacts or updates on corporate news etc. Plus the understanding about work role increases which should help in reaching better compatibility in non-work front.
Downs - I somehow do not really acknowledge that working in the same place allows closeness to grow, given that JK and I are of different temperaments, sometimes stark opposite. Yet again, maybe the differences in our temperaments makes the balancing act trickier. Am more of an optimist but not overly into it and JK is more of a realist. There have been conversations wherein I have realized that we are of totally different opinions and the best way to come to terms is arrive at similar median ground or agree to disagree. Not an easy task always when it involves decision-making or sensitive issues, but then if you treat your partner as a friend, then things can get smooth.
For example, the latest weekend outing turned out to be sour though it came out of an eventful progress in the relationship - we got engaged. :) Ramanjaneya temple in Hanumanth Nagar has become one of my special haunts after this relationship progressed few steps ahead gradually and started getting serious on all personal fronts, keeping everyone happy and excited. JK takes time out of his weekend and plans for the visit as I wanted to go to the temple to say thanks to Mr. Hanuman. I look forward to it too and all goes well with good weather, a hectic car drive for JK, satisfying temple visit and a surprise long-time pending visit to Vidyarthi Bhavan.
Phew, my rating favors MTR any day more than VB. Time always being quicker than me runs and its now 7 pm. JK wants to rush home to be with his family and you can imagine what follows next. :)
Not that I am against him spending quality time with his aged parents, however I want to sneak in some more time with the "fiance" but looking at his exhausted state and restlessness about the 25 km back and forth drive, I bite my lips and somehow all his efforts do not console my growing anger or disappointment. It is a weekend after all and it should not hurt to keep looking at the watch. I can not justify his actions but I do feel that he is losing the romantic part of a relationship by getting so caught up in the traffic woes and time management. Like a 35 year old man who has been married for 2 years. I wonder if I am behaving like a teenager or starry-eyed early-20 blonde. I feel as if I am a normal bride-to-be. :) And I so wish I knew to drive a car and had one. I would definitely do more than empathising or complaining. Hmmm, sigh. I could feel these feelings brewing silently. As its my nature, I tried to divert my mind and appear normal. I guess I need to master that art.
The car drive on the way home to drop me is filled with awkward silences and JK gets a hint. Called me at late-night to check if all was fine and I spilt everything from my system. Am sure I was playfully rude but then I realised I have to cut down my dreamy courtship phase expectations and get grounded to match JK's realistic approach to balance his time with everyone around and understand his traffic woes much better than just empathizing.
The whole outing was very pleasant for the events but when the time crunch comes to the forefront, I only feel I should distance myself from JK to keep the balancing act going well. So, working in the same place does not really help all the way. Waiting for a divine intervention to change a few things to make me more peaceful or him more adventurous or the work life interesting for the better. Lets see.
Break ke baad indeed. :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Yearning............................................
Yearning is like a deep sigh
which becomes a deep song
that is sung by a deep voice
that dies its natural death,
thanks to time and fate.
Life makes anyone want things.
If not for that,
yearning would never be sung.
To not want things,
Yet to know if its worth it.
As of now, I want it
and so I yearn
and so I live.
which becomes a deep song
that is sung by a deep voice
that dies its natural death,
thanks to time and fate.
Life makes anyone want things.
If not for that,
yearning would never be sung.
To not want things,
Yet to know if its worth it.
As of now, I want it
and so I yearn
and so I live.
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