I cut off my friendship with my 25+ years of college friends exactly a week or 10 days ago. It was always going to happen, now that I think of it. The core nature of the group is Malayalis and that was fine - how we became friends, I do recall and how it grew, how much of my energy I put in it and did not get enough reciprocation + how much acceptance was there during my turbulent times, I remember everything. Basically, what I am trying to say, I remember almost all the good things and bad things, from the first year of college. I was definitely in some dreamland during my college days and not working on what I should have, so got left behind with so many backlogs. Over those 3 years, I am guessing that my backlogs meant that I don't get that much importance in the group due to the dull intellect I exhibited with my backlogs. On the other hand, cut to the present, it's a miracle to be where I am and how far I have come. God's grace.
I felt the pinch of lack of reciprocation few times when few people in the group would meet up without necessarily accommodating my availability, especially around my dad's death. Whatever their reasons were, it felt fine and also unchosen.
When I came to know about the Egypt trip in Nov or Dec 2025, the unchosen feeling really dug deep into me. I remember how I purposely did not join the Dec 2025 lunch because it would be about the Egypt trip planning and I wasn't sure I had the strength to hear Rekha and Nisha show off. I, of course, did not realize that Nitha and Deena would bend backwards to fit into the same trip dates. When this news got shared in the group, Nimisha (like the andhariki manchinavalu types), encouraged me offline to join the trip if I could work it out. Nisha shared the details - how gracefully, I don't know, because it was over the group chat that I was pouring on, trying hard to fit in and not miss the travel dates and exact flights.
Let me drill down to the memory when I asked how Rekha and Nisha applied for the visa - nobody would share. Nimisha shared some old dead numbers of Egypt-based travel agents. And then Nitha asked the same question, and she got the response from Rekha to try atlys. By then, I had already explored online and applied for the visa using Atlys. So, I was already figuring this trip logistics on my own for my travel. Then the group started planning and planning and planning different places and different itineraries floated.
I had gotten obsessed over the itineraries so unnecessarily. I knew that I was doing the wrong thing by spending all my precious energy and precious time on the itinerary. Initially, there was a crack in the group when Nitha and Nimisha wanted to go to some other places, whereas Rekha and Nisha weren't keen and wanted to visit some other places with a repeated emphasis on the budget. I was on board with Nitha and Nimisha at that point in time, and Deena was on Rekha and Nisha's side. Queen bee Rekha took a break and went off to travel with her family, and her aide Nisha represented this side. The other queen bee Nitha started sharing her itineraries and budget negotiations. I was tracking Atlys support whatsapp group very actively and found Kamel, Egyptian based travel agent who was finally so flexible with the complicated itinerary.
At some point, Deena shifted to Nitha's side and I was hanging mid-air. I thought a lot and chose to move to Nitha's side because Rekha and Nisha were already behaving so secretive about their plans. And I would be staying alone in the apartment and pay that cost, if I followed Rekha and Nisha + not get any company literally when Nitha and Deena travelled on their itinerary. Because of this mid-air hanging, I also had to pay a higher priced ticket, but I got to match completely with Nitha's itinerary. During the last few stages of itinerary finalization, I experienced firsthand backstabbing from Nitha and wasted my energy to negotiate with Kamel and the thankless group of bitches on the itinerary and neglected home and office. So sad, actually, because I was doing my best to fit in and get accepted or appreciated. Later, I made enough damage control by working out everything at home, as much as I could, with the husband and daughter. Sam was having her final exams, and Jitendra had to leave his parents "alone" for more than a day, I think. Of course, I did take help from mom and my sister also helped for her reasons, all thanks to Pratik's 3-month London stay, starting around the same time. I did enough justice at work, God's grace.
When the trip finally happened, I saw how I was again unchosen, right from the airport arriving discussions to the room preferences. Reaching Nimisha's place was a challenge and I was being naive and unnecessarily offering the airtel ISD option on the first day. On the first night of our stay, I noticed how stupid Deena was - she was wasting time talking to each and every family member with the video on instead of resting / getting ready and what an open cheapskate Nitha was - she was stealing all the towels (and had no place eventually in her suitcase to take the stolen towels). Nimisha was and is a hardcore kanthri with a good person's cape. The trio of Nimisha, Rekha and Nisha became incredibly close, I reckon. During the itinerary discussion, I remember fighting with Deena that we should take the TT to the airport if we go to Alexandria, she stubbornly insisted that it was expensive and Nimisha + Nitha sided her. Later, on the 2nd day of our trip, when I chose to explore Cairo and skip Alexandria, Deena changed her opinion and convinced Nitha that using the same TT to go to the airport would be best. Kamel was getting utterly confused and I had to cut a bit of that sorry figure unnecessarily.
I searched the Atlys whatsapp group and found Abhoughelia to help explore the Pyramids in the start of the trip rather than the end (which is what the college group wanted to do, and I did not). I now reckon that I should not have included Dashour OR should not have gone inside the pyramid in Dashour - made the entire day very hectic (without a proper night's sleep) and eventually I couldn't do justice to GEM. I am a history buff but not that deep at all. Aboughelia tricked me into that, and I wanted the best experience also in the time crunch of a trip that this whole thing was. I handled the local air travel on my own well, left behind the neck pillow, compromised on a sofa as a bed in the last minute after landing at the hotel (that we went searching in circles) where the booking itself was not updated. Nitha and Deena did not want to compromise to share the bed and had to use Google translator to help these bitches use the bathroom which was clogged supposedly and ask for a packed breakfast. I had taken bath first on that night in Aswan and before going to Abu Simbel, and maybe all days of my travel with Nitha and Deena. I remember limping on all the days of the trip and applying bandaid on my fingers (stupid eczema) and deep shoe bites from Daddy's shoes. The roll-on from F5 escapes souvenir was also a god-send to help me rest my knees. The catches on my thighs took few days to heal actually because going inside the pyramid in Dashour was something for my complacent body. Nitha and Deena would flirt non-stop with the drivers, what with Nitha calling us his babies. Ridiculous. I had built a rapport with Kamel to get me an exclusive guide to show me around Cairo on the last day. These bitches went to the Pyramid and had whatever time, I wouldn't know. If I were good friends with them, even an average time would not be an issue. Nimisha took us to some random fancy place for lunch and I was one of the last ones to know that the group decided to give this as her treat for some stupid wedding anniversary of hers or some excuse. What drama and gratitude from Rekha and co. to create that situation. Overall, I definitely must have spent the most amount of money, but I somehow have no regrets at all on the shopping expenses. Deena was telling me to show off the bracelet I picked for 22k - like I cared.
I did vibe with Sekhmet, warrior goddess - Lion and woman. I had literally fought my way with each and every person in the group every single day of this trip. Rekha was so bloody manipulative and secretive - she dodged the question when I asked her how she had Muscat currency. She would act unnecessarily miserly, God alone knows. When Diana did video call with Nimisha to catch up in Luxor, I tried to join but Nimisha wanted to chat 1:1 and literally pulled her phone back. Diana always did coochie-coo with these Malayali people openly - so that was another sub micro group.
Traveling in Luxor was also a so-so experience for me. I remember walking back alone to the hotel because the group was being cold with me for some unknown reason. I took my mini revenges - Did not give the scarf to Nimisha in the mosque in Luxor, she became a laughingstock for all, especially Rekha, because she was carrying her jacket on her head. I did not give my extra bag to Nitha or Deena who went begging to the other ladies to handle their shopping haul from every place. I supposedly finished Deena's water and got her to drink the airport water - I finished it, so I have to fill the bottle according to stupid Nisha who supported Deena at the airport. I took out Nitha's luggage to keep mine and her "nile water" bottle fell down - I did not bother to tell her that when she looked for it. I took the lead to use indrive to return to the hotel from khan-e-khalili. Stupid Nimisha would not try anything other than uber. The indrive driver was sauve - as if only Nitha has the hormones to have a crush on him. Self-obsessed entitled bitches. When we landed at Bangalore airport, I still had not learnt my lesson and was trying to convince Nitha about some hotel amount settlement and got to know that Nitha was traveling with Rekha - this HR bitch announced that she wanted Rekha to do all the calculations because she is good at it. Some bull crap. Deena did some calculations and tried to show that she was the math accounting bitch. I got some messages from Nimisha offline that I owe her some amount - I transferred and did not bother to pay anything else. I had pre-booked the cab and I just walked away from the group - I still wonder why Nitha called to say goodbye.
I came back with such a strong feeling of hatred for each and every one of them - I did not want to meet them this whole year. After several weeks, the hatred got diluted and I was left with a frustrated feeling when I thought of them.
For the sake of socializing opportunity and food exploration, I gave in and went for the Pixi lunch 3 weeks ago and the experience was a re-affirmation that I am the outsider in this group of 2 micro groups. They landed up planning Lalbagh visit on the same day that I wanted to go - I waited to see how I feel this time about going to Lalbagh with them again(?) and confided my issue to the husband and ChatGPT. Husband said that I give too much of importance to myself and should be ok to be a wallflower. ChatGPT validated my feelings and said that I could do what I want and avoid them totally. I went to the flower show at the time I wanted, did my usual thing and for one last time, try to spend time at the glass house more than usual to see if I wanted to meet the group. As I had already predicted, the group arrived with their own private coordination and not one single person asking my whereabouts except Nimisha because she anyway does check on all during such get-togethers. I saw that they were headed to MTR before the flower show visit and I finally did what my inner voice told me to do - check the shopping area and leave Lalbagh because I was done with my agenda and I was not interested to meet them. I ensured that I posted some status to establish that I visited the flower show and avoid them, gave a final sincere response to Nimisha because she enquired and blocked each and every one on whatsapp and archived the group. I don't want to create a drama by quitting the group all of a sudden. Being dead on the group eventually will help me take that step but I am yet to get there because of some nagging nostalgia block.
Venting here has been cathartic on that note and made my resolve only stronger to get out of the nostalgia phase and let it run its course. I lost 6 "friends", I guess. But I know what shit I will tolerate and what I cannot. Have I grown up, I don't know. But I can see shit happening to me and walk away - I identified that strength.
