Thinking of endings and new beginnings...

 I keep thinking of my dad a lot nowadays. How much he has suffered for days and we did not half of it. Gentle soul, Om Shanti. He was a short-tempered guy but age, financial dependency and illness softened him a great deal. No wonder he became a better company whenever I got bored towards the last few years. He helped me set up the house when I moved to Vignana nagar. He did not get to see me shift to this other apartment... 

His blessings - the house is now set up almost like how I can manage it. Thanks to Cisco, I am able to pay the increased rent and manage the house expenses at this point in time. I did have a thought that I must divorce my husband after one of my parent dies. Now that Daddy is gone, life has become very real now and I am understanding my past mistakes and the choices + consequences. Too expensive for my liking and I really cannot go back in time to change any of it. 

This marriage is definitely a mistake. I don't know which other Tom-dick-harry I would have married, if not for this one. We are not right for each other, I realize it all the more with every passing day, especially after Daddy's death. I just have not been able to understand when I should end it. I know my folks will not be surprised if we get divorced. And it hardly matters what others think if and when we get divorced. My thoughts before I take the first step are:

• How will Samyuktha cope?
• Will I be able to take care of mom on my own?
• How will I handle my finances in the long run?
• When is the right time for me to initiate this conversation? It is not a surprise in any way for both of us and he has already diplomatically said that he will not initiate it and will not refuse it if this relationship gets to that point. So it is just a matter of when and how.
• What should I expect as his reaction whenever I ask for the divorce? I am not interested in his money or property. He is a miserly, selfish son of a bitch and an asshole at that.
• How should I take the first step and how do I respond when we take the step?
• Where should I go from here?

That brings me to note two incidents I observed when I saw how he and his folks behave with us or rather me.

Feb 1st - His mom's 79th bday falls on a sat. He indirectly pressurizes us to come to his place to participate. His sister complicates the plan by telling him to move the bday party to her apartment. Because the unsaid part here is that it is convenient for her to avoid booking a cab ride and the car will not be sufficient to chauffeur her son and her along with the 5 of us. Plus there is a new darshini right next to her apartment. I draw my boundaries as usual and we go from this side of town to his place in the evening. He then, as usual, makes confusing decisions about the cake and the route and takes us to her apartment late because of a massive traffic jam and different bad routes. She asks her son to serve water to all of us. She won't even cut the cake properly and finally when we go for dinner, its so crowded that my daughter had to adjust sitting on the not-so-clean seat and me next to her, and the bitch next to me with no elbow space. Some random light tiffin items that did not taste great are eaten and we leave after lazing in her apartment parking or lobby for 15-20 mins. Could have been 30 mins. Then we return at 11 pm again in traffic and his choice of bad route.

March 6th - His dad's 84th bday. Thank God, my daughter had her Science exam the next day and this is a weekday. I did not bother to call because the dementia patient won't know what to respond and his wife is definitely not someone to whom I want to talk. I did get to know from the husband that his sister, BIL and nephew are joining them because its a good outing  - Vidyarthi Bhavan. Nephew's exams are almost done, she gets a free ride with her husband to and fro and she gets to eat in an iconic eatery. I did remind my child to show some interest to ask for the pics and talk about the outing. She was upset about the masala dosa. I was curious to see the pics - as usual, it was just about them. Not one pic with my husband it - he is the doer, she is the enjoyer. Few weeks ago, she asks him if she should come directly to the clinic when he had asked her to take his mom for her dental extraction. I mean - is it not evident that she is so blindly selfish and insensitive to ask if she must come to the clinic. He had to ask her for the chauffeuring because it was my b'day, followed by my daughter's. No common sense that the super senior citizens will need to be taken to the clinic. To add to this, her husband accompanies her to take the oldies to the dental clinic. And the old man vanishes at the leaving time - this perfect couple had to find him, bring him home and then go to the clinic. What an embarasment for my husband and his mom. 

Two years ago, on my daughter's 11th bday, I cook and make something special but turned out not special for his parents (they did not like it but were polite to not say it) for lunch. And I needed a breather before the cake and snack coordination begins. And the husband wakes me up when I am tired and drifting off to sleep on the deewan because his mom needs the deewan. She is pleasantly shocked and tells him to not disturb me and can adjust with her husband in our bedroom. That incident taught me a lot about my husband. His mom did not once engage my nephew who was just a year old then. Not a smile or a gift of 100 rupees to bless him. 

Why should I stay married to such a man?

I am now 43 years old and half-orphaned...

 Its 9 months since Daddy died and my first birthday without his wishes. I miss him a lot more than in the earlier months because the void is becoming more acutely obvious. Mom isn't the same as before and she only has very old memories to talk on repeat mode. He used to quietly listen to my rants and jokes in his last few months. That small act itself was so comforting. 

However, nowadays, I am trying to accept that there is nobody to listen to my rants and I try to see what I can do for my mom. I also try to observe how her small acts of help still make a deal in my daily life. 

The bday gift for me and my daughter from me was the Vietnam trip. Very very expensive, especially because I lost 30000 just for flight tickets to Delhi. On the flipside, I traveled to Chennai on my own with my daughter in a train, boarded their metro to reach their airport, took a flight to Delhi, changed terminals  by traveling in a shuttle (ticketless and let go with a warning by the bus conductor - embarasing but funny incident). I was offered the upgrade and thankfully chose it (after thinking over) on time to get a good sleep on our way to Ho Chi Minh. The 9k upgrade was a timely expensive decision because the rest helped in spending the energy in sightseeing that started right from the airport itself (similar to the Odisha trip in Sep 2024). Daddy's account helped in closing credit card bill without paying any unnecessary interest. I am going to repay every rupee in the coming months, by God's grace. I am also thankful to God for helping to fulfill my daughter's dream of getting her passport stamped and visiting more than one foreign country before her first teenage bday. The trip organizers were not very straight forward set of people - however, their accommodation choices, bus choices and itinerary were decent. The Delhi women were loud and noisy but did not make their judgements so openly obvious and were moreso minding their business. I got the required timely help from the trip guide whenever required and that was sufficient for me. I am old enough to not be disturbed by his attention to the loud Delhi women (who actually were okish sometimes). The intention of the trip was to go sightseeing in a safe setup, and I had no interest in making friends anyway. I especially liked the Maximilan hotel in Danang for its cleanliness, proximity to the beach and food. The cable car ride and the visit to Ba Na hills could have been better if the weather was clear. The 50000 dong raincoat helped both of us in all the fog and drizzle. The basket ride in Hoi An was a good timepass with Sam showing her sense of adventure and shopping scenes was also reminiscent of Pondicherry. Sam also got her favorite pair of Crocs with the decorations she always desired. She plans to take mine whenever she outgrows her current pair. 500 rupees in Vietnam and 4000 rupees in Bangalore for those branded Crocs. 

The shopping at Ben Thanh market in Ho Chi Minh taught me a very valuable lesson, with the first shopkeeper fleecing me outright. After that, I chose to bargain very well within respectable boundaries with ALL the shopkeepers. Which in turn helped me buy a bright yellow suitcase for 4L dong over her selling price of 5L dong. The other 2 friendly ladies (Kanchan ji and Saumya) in the trip had picked up the suitcases in Ben Thanh market for 5L dong, I heard. One of them - Saumya, picked up a cute ceramic tea set for 9L. I did not pick any showcase item because of the current house being so compact already and credit card was not accepted. The last activity of the cruise was a good timepass to see the Dragon bridge, love bridge, Han bridge and the skyscrapers at night on Han river. Reunification palace, Cu Chi tunnel were good history eye-openers of how war affects and America's highhandedness. Vietnam was overall safe, pleasant and worth visiting again.

The bad viral fever left me with no energy a day after we landed. Sam rested on Thursday and I somehow walked to mom's house on Thursday. Logged in too. On Friday, I somehow sent Sam to school, searched the chat history for the right antibiotic and got the Uber auto thankfully to and fro to Milan Pharma. Saturday was also very bad and I don't know what my sister expected from me in my pathetic condition that she came even on Sunday night. Monday is when I started feeling better and started working to get some productive tasks done to start the release work. Almost all the clothes are washed, folded, suitcases packed in the attic, gifts distributed on time and I also got to take care of Sam. Her falling sick happened after I started recovering - the timing could not have been better. Jitendra graced us on Saturday-Sunday to help with few bits of laundry rounds and babysit Sam. I won't forget how he picked a fight with me about Sam's sloppiness, even though I was so sick on Sat/Sunday. Asshole. 

He came on time on my bday evening, took us to Misosexy - place of my choice for dinner and encouraged me to indulge with that cocktail. He had also gotten me flowers and a 20k gift voucher for Westside. The first part of the day was quiet, peaceful with the usual routine of maid, paddus as breakfast, off from work, a regular south indian lunch with mom and daughter. The wishes were from the expected set of people at work, school, college and few cousins. Sam made a cute camera greeting card - she does have good art skills. I wore the China silk yellow floral long top with black leggings, and accesorized the attire with my diamond set and bangle. Overall, I am thankful for a peaceful 43rd bday celebration. It could have been better if my health was better. However, sam and I recovered on time for the bday dinner and work was also peaceful. In laws also managed the dental visit on their own with their dear daughter and SIL. So the husband had time for us. Mom's health is also decent, God's grace.

For the first time in years, I am going to have a peaceful and budget friendly teenage bday celebration for Sam. No unnecessary return gift headache, wastage of snacks and cake and hosting a bunch of noisy, irritating kids at this new apartment. As an alternative, we gave her a choice to invite her schoolfriends to a place of her choice and celebrating with them as she pleases. I am very thankful for this change in her (albeit took me years of bickering to reason my point. And I also openly pointed out to her that her dad is not around to help with those elaborate hosting activities - if she wants to repeat her previous years' celebration pattern). 

Last year, Daddy walked to the old apartment with my sister and I was so scared throughout if he will collapse without the concentrator. He stayed quiet in the background with no fuss and blessed the kid for one last time of his lifetime. Sam and I will miss his sense of humor, cheerful wishes and blessings. He is no more around physically but I know his presence is always around us and he wishes the best for Sam.