What I took for granted so many years ago, I have lost it in my present. I do not know what the future holds for me but what step I take now will lead me to the future is what I know. Right now, I feel like an alien inside my own body. I go to Vijaya Nagar every day but my heart yearns for Vignana Nagar. The roads starting from my school which I last entered officially in 1997 keep coming to my mind. It is like a relic of my past but I cannot touch it or even enter. I can refer it of course when the need arises. Dating Prem was completely the wrong thing. It is true I took that option to get out of Anish’s clutches. What a fool I was to think that only love and sex completed the whole world. How over-rated these two things are.... They have their joys but they are not enough to lead a happy and fulfilled life. I wish somebody had told me this nicely. Parents are totally out of question. They did their best and left for me to figure out things for myself. And with God’s grace, I have charted this route so far. If I had married Prem, I would have not been in touch with parents anyway. And here, I am complaining that I have lost touch with my roots after marrying Jitendra. The man is fine as a companion for all practical purposes. I used to feel that he was my soul mate. Then reality crash-landed us when Samyuktha entered our lives and his parents started waving their mad flag of their culture, lifestyle and language. She tried nice tricks that I try some other items for breakfast during weekends. How stupid did she think I am? I even venture a suggestion... I know the consequence — Oh, here she comes to start brandishing her Tamil culture, language and cuisine. I am so glad I can go to Chennai and do not have the necessity to stay at his sister’s place. (Well, she is back now.... Supposedly, her favorite haunt in the world... she goes on about Chennai's geography and culture and people and metropolitan conveniences and providings). It is suffocating to be around her. I wish my husband’s ties with her get severed for good in the long run. For that, I wish the two oldies at home drop-dead within the next 5 years — life will be free of negativity for me. I sincerely will try to be a good parent, home-maker and spouse and hopefully work. The thought of death scares me actually. I do not know my expiry date and here I am, wishing that his parents drop dead within the next 5 years. And that takes me to my parents — one has had a back surgery and is a heart patient. the other one is a breast cancer survivor. My sister has gone way far away from me. But I guess that is how it is. Siblings can be close or just become strangers to each other. I crave for the cocooned family ties. I wonder how mom and dad reconciled that life changes post-marriage and brought us up. Dad is just about his wife and daughters. Mom came from a large family but is in her own world of TV and books now. How will I grow old? What will I do when I am her age? Will Jitendra and I still be together? Will Samyuktha be around us? Will she know Tamil and have some exposure to Tamil culture and not look at it the way her dad does? Will I be able to live in touch with my roots? Will I be happy? Will I work until however long I want to and work well, too? Will I save enough for a rainy day and lead a sensible life. God, give me some sanity and control over my present and future.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
A friend's birthday and my oldest periappa's death day - Life is a vicious cycle
As the title says, I really do not know where I am headed in the vicious cycle called LIFE. Kothandaraman periappa is no more. Got to know about his hospital admission around the time of New Years Eve itself. I somehow hoped he would get through this time, for various reasons like mom and dad's health state, my keen interest in visiting him once at least with my husband and kid - he never got to meet her, and also that I would have liked to spend new year day with parents, if they did not have to travel to Villupuram to pay their last respects for his death. He managed to stay alive with the help of ventilator till Jan 6th, 2015. I got to know about his last few hours from mom. But only after sending a message to Sham for asking her to stay over at Vijaya Nagar, did I get know that he had passed away. Parents sometimes do not share any news with me on time. May periappa's soul rest in peace. I tried hinting Jitendra that I would like to visit Villupuram to pay my last respects during the 10-13 days grievance ceremony. Not once did he say - Sure, let's go. He tried to ask me to join parents when they informed me about their plans to hire a car and drive down on Jan 6th, 2015. Well, to hell with Jitendra's interest right now, I put a halt of my visit plan for the sake of my young daughter and new job.
I am hurt inside that Jitendra hardly tries to bond with my family or extended relatives by learning Tamil. Bring it up and he just does not want to accept. "Give me time. First, you show your interest." Its going to be 4 years of marriage and I do not know when we will hit middle ground. For him, my sense of cleanliness and responsibility sharing should increase, to be interested in learning my language or bond with my family or extended relatives. Well, I know how much I have shopped and piled up so many items like jewellery and clothes and what not. It is going to take me equal number of years for using up all the items and ensure ROI. The shopping extravaganza can be blamed on feeling out of place and wanting to do something to keep me happy. Retail therapy is the word for it, I recall now. However, it has shrunk my savings, taken up all the space in the wardrobe and added a load of strain and guilt to my marriage, my mind and space at home. However, I have finally come to a state of calling truce with myself and Jitendra. He can take his time to meet my expectations of learning Tamil and taking initiative of bonding with my family or extended relatives. Meanwhile, I will tighten my wallet, save money to clear off debts, invest in existing policies and save exclusively for my rainy day. Also, I intend to use every single item I have purchased and use it, no matter what. If I do not get to use it and it serves nobody a purpose except for occupying space, I will discard it. This is my resolution for the years to come until I am done with whatever I have purchased so far, saved well and followed these rules well. Along all this, I realize my daughter will grow up, my career will need to get better than where I am right now, my family will move ahead in its pace and I will move along as close as possible. My marriage - it requires two hands. Only me trying to learn his language, his culture, his roots, his folks, his lifestyle is never going to be sufficient. I sincerely hope God will give us a great married life ahead with truly wonderful compatibility, maturity, understanding, contentment and love. We also need to evolve as good parents for the little one we brought into this world. God, please help us to do our roles well. Please bless us and Samyuktha to be good to each other. I sincerely hope Samyuktha grows up to be a sensible, sharp, down-to-earth, secure child and human being. I pray she gets independence over her pacifier and gets toilet-trained well very soon.
I sincerely hope I will be able to work smart, earn well, make good friends, impress the management, learn good things at work in terms of technology and working in my new job. I also sincerely hope that I will be able to keep in touch with my extended relatives really closely, like never before. The efforts for all this should be so well-designed that my parenting / wife / daughter / daughter-in-law / sister / sister-in-law / friend roles also improve with time and I am blessed with peace and contentment in me and around me. Please keep me, Jitendra, Samyuktha and my family healthy, peaceful, safe and secure always.
To commemorate my periappa's death and pay my last respects in spirit, I chose to wear black today. I hope I get to meet periamma and ashok anna and balaji sometime soon and spend time bonding with my daughter and husband and parents in tow.
On this same day, I called Vimika to wish her on her birthday. She had done so for my birthday last year and I did not get to really return then. Hope she has a wonderful year ahead and hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch. I also hope Sunitha has a smooth, healthy pregnancy and second motherhood. God, please ensure that all her current worries get resolved soon and well - husband's job here or in Dubai, son's schooling, pregnancy pain as the baby grows, health, her job, her future whether in Dubai or here, finances, marriage and parenting. I hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch. I also pray for Sumathi to get married soon to a nice guy with all her parents and family blessings and a happy married life for her. I hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch.
May periappa's soul rest in peace. He has been a nice man to me and left me with fond memories. This blog post is dedicated to him, the last one gone from my grandparents' generation.
Amen.
Inshallah for the prayers I have. Thank you for everything so far.
I am hurt inside that Jitendra hardly tries to bond with my family or extended relatives by learning Tamil. Bring it up and he just does not want to accept. "Give me time. First, you show your interest." Its going to be 4 years of marriage and I do not know when we will hit middle ground. For him, my sense of cleanliness and responsibility sharing should increase, to be interested in learning my language or bond with my family or extended relatives. Well, I know how much I have shopped and piled up so many items like jewellery and clothes and what not. It is going to take me equal number of years for using up all the items and ensure ROI. The shopping extravaganza can be blamed on feeling out of place and wanting to do something to keep me happy. Retail therapy is the word for it, I recall now. However, it has shrunk my savings, taken up all the space in the wardrobe and added a load of strain and guilt to my marriage, my mind and space at home. However, I have finally come to a state of calling truce with myself and Jitendra. He can take his time to meet my expectations of learning Tamil and taking initiative of bonding with my family or extended relatives. Meanwhile, I will tighten my wallet, save money to clear off debts, invest in existing policies and save exclusively for my rainy day. Also, I intend to use every single item I have purchased and use it, no matter what. If I do not get to use it and it serves nobody a purpose except for occupying space, I will discard it. This is my resolution for the years to come until I am done with whatever I have purchased so far, saved well and followed these rules well. Along all this, I realize my daughter will grow up, my career will need to get better than where I am right now, my family will move ahead in its pace and I will move along as close as possible. My marriage - it requires two hands. Only me trying to learn his language, his culture, his roots, his folks, his lifestyle is never going to be sufficient. I sincerely hope God will give us a great married life ahead with truly wonderful compatibility, maturity, understanding, contentment and love. We also need to evolve as good parents for the little one we brought into this world. God, please help us to do our roles well. Please bless us and Samyuktha to be good to each other. I sincerely hope Samyuktha grows up to be a sensible, sharp, down-to-earth, secure child and human being. I pray she gets independence over her pacifier and gets toilet-trained well very soon.
I sincerely hope I will be able to work smart, earn well, make good friends, impress the management, learn good things at work in terms of technology and working in my new job. I also sincerely hope that I will be able to keep in touch with my extended relatives really closely, like never before. The efforts for all this should be so well-designed that my parenting / wife / daughter / daughter-in-law / sister / sister-in-law / friend roles also improve with time and I am blessed with peace and contentment in me and around me. Please keep me, Jitendra, Samyuktha and my family healthy, peaceful, safe and secure always.
To commemorate my periappa's death and pay my last respects in spirit, I chose to wear black today. I hope I get to meet periamma and ashok anna and balaji sometime soon and spend time bonding with my daughter and husband and parents in tow.
On this same day, I called Vimika to wish her on her birthday. She had done so for my birthday last year and I did not get to really return then. Hope she has a wonderful year ahead and hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch. I also hope Sunitha has a smooth, healthy pregnancy and second motherhood. God, please ensure that all her current worries get resolved soon and well - husband's job here or in Dubai, son's schooling, pregnancy pain as the baby grows, health, her job, her future whether in Dubai or here, finances, marriage and parenting. I hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch. I also pray for Sumathi to get married soon to a nice guy with all her parents and family blessings and a happy married life for her. I hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch.
May periappa's soul rest in peace. He has been a nice man to me and left me with fond memories. This blog post is dedicated to him, the last one gone from my grandparents' generation.
Amen.
Inshallah for the prayers I have. Thank you for everything so far.
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