Dead friendships...

 I cut off my friendship with my 25+ years of college friends exactly a week or 10 days ago. It was always going to happen, now that I think of it. The core nature of the group is Malayalis and that was fine - how we became friends, I do recall and how it grew, how much of my energy I put in it and did not get enough reciprocation + how much acceptance was there during my turbulent times, I remember everything. Basically, what I am trying to say, I remember almost all the good things and bad things, from the first year of college. I was definitely in some dreamland during my college days and not working on what I should have, so got left behind with so many backlogs. Over those 3 years, I am guessing that my backlogs meant that I don't get that much importance in the group due to the dull intellect I exhibited with my backlogs. On the other hand, cut to the present, it's a miracle to be where I am and how far I have come. God's grace. 

I felt the pinch of lack of reciprocation few times when few people in the group would meet up without necessarily accommodating my availability, especially around my dad's death. Whatever their reasons were, it felt fine and also unchosen. 

When I came to know about the Egypt trip in Nov or Dec 2025, the unchosen feeling really dug deep into me. I remember how I purposely did not join the Dec 2025 lunch because it would be about the Egypt trip planning and I wasn't sure I had the strength to hear Rekha and Nisha show off. I, of course, did not realize that Nitha and Deena would bend backwards to fit into the same trip dates. When this news got shared in the group, Nimisha (like the andhariki manchinavalu types), encouraged me offline to join the trip if I could work it out. Nisha shared the details - how gracefully, I don't know, because it was over the group chat that I was pouring on, trying hard to fit in and not miss the travel dates and exact flights. 

Let me drill down to the memory when I asked how Rekha and Nisha applied for the visa - nobody would share. Nimisha shared some old dead numbers of Egypt-based travel agents. And then Nitha asked the same question, and she got the response from Rekha to try atlys. By then, I had already explored online and applied for the visa using Atlys. So, I was already figuring this trip logistics on my own for my travel. Then the group started planning and planning and planning different places and different itineraries floated. 

I had gotten obsessed over the itineraries so unnecessarily. I knew that I was doing the wrong thing by spending all my precious energy and precious time on the itinerary. Initially, there was a crack in the group when Nitha and Nimisha wanted to go to some other places, whereas Rekha and Nisha weren't keen and wanted to visit some other places with a repeated emphasis on the budget. I was on board with Nitha and Nimisha at that point in time, and Deena was on Rekha and Nisha's side. Queen bee Rekha took a break and went off to travel with her family, and her aide Nisha represented this side. The other queen bee Nitha started sharing her itineraries and budget negotiations. I was tracking Atlys support whatsapp group very actively and found Kamel, Egyptian based travel agent who was finally so flexible with the complicated itinerary. 

At some point, Deena shifted to Nitha's side and I was hanging mid-air. I thought a lot and chose to move to Nitha's side because Rekha and Nisha were already behaving so secretive about their plans. And I would be staying alone in the apartment and pay that cost, if I followed Rekha and Nisha + not get any company literally when Nitha and Deena travelled on their itinerary. Because of this mid-air hanging, I also had to pay a higher priced ticket, but I got to match completely with Nitha's itinerary. During the last few stages of itinerary finalization, I experienced firsthand backstabbing from Nitha and wasted my energy to negotiate with Kamel and the thankless group of bitches on the itinerary and neglected home and office. So sad, actually, because I was doing my best to fit in and get accepted or appreciated. Later, I made enough damage control by working out everything at home, as much as I could, with the husband and daughter. Sam was having her final exams, and Jitendra had to leave his parents "alone" for more than a day, I think. Of course, I did take help from mom and my sister also helped for her reasons, all thanks to Pratik's 3-month London stay, starting around the same time. I did enough justice at work, God's grace.

When the trip finally happened, I saw how I was again unchosen, right from the airport arriving discussions to the room preferences. Reaching Nimisha's place was a challenge and I was being naive and unnecessarily offering the airtel ISD option on the first day. On the first night of our stay, I noticed how stupid Deena was - she was wasting time talking to each and every family member with the video on instead of resting / getting ready and what an open cheapskate Nitha was - she was stealing all the towels (and had no place eventually in her suitcase to take the stolen towels). Nimisha was and is a hardcore kanthri with a good person's cape. The trio of Nimisha, Rekha and Nisha became incredibly close, I reckon. During the itinerary discussion, I remember fighting with Deena that we should take the TT to the airport if we go to Alexandria, she stubbornly insisted that it was expensive and Nimisha + Nitha sided her. Later, on the 2nd day of our trip, when I chose to explore Cairo and skip Alexandria, Deena changed her opinion and convinced Nitha that using the same TT to go to the airport would be best. Kamel was getting utterly confused and I had to cut a bit of that sorry figure unnecessarily. 

I searched the Atlys whatsapp group and found Abhoughelia to help explore the Pyramids in the start of the trip rather than the end (which is what the college group wanted to do, and I did not). I now reckon that I should not have included Dashour OR should not have gone inside the pyramid in Dashour - made the entire day very hectic (without a proper night's sleep) and eventually I couldn't do justice to GEM. I am a history buff but not that deep at all. Aboughelia tricked me into that, and I wanted the best experience also in the time crunch of a trip that this whole thing was. I handled the local air travel on my own well, left behind the neck pillow, compromised on a sofa as a bed in the last minute after landing at the hotel (that we went searching in circles) where the booking itself was not updated. Nitha and Deena did not want to compromise to share the bed, and I had to use Google translator to help these bitches use the bathroom which was clogged supposedly and ask for a packed breakfast. I had taken bath first on that night in Aswan and before going to Abu Simbel, and maybe all days of my travel with Nitha and Deena. I remember limping on all the days of the trip and applying bandaid on my fingers (stupid eczema) and deep shoe bites from Daddy's shoes. The roll-on from F5 escapes souvenir was also a god-send to help me rest my knees. The catches on my thighs took few days to heal actually because going inside the pyramid in Dashour was something for my complacent body. Nitha and Deena would flirt non-stop with the drivers, what with Nitha calling us his babies. Ridiculous. I had built a rapport with Kamel to get me an exclusive guide to show me around Cairo on the last day. These bitches went to the Pyramid and had whatever time, I wouldn't know. If I were good friends with them, even an average time would not be an issue. Nimisha took us to some random fancy place for lunch and I was one of the last ones to know that the group decided to give this as her treat for some stupid wedding anniversary of hers or some excuse. What drama and gratitude from Rekha and co. to create that situation. Overall, I definitely must have spent the most amount of money, but I somehow have no regrets at all on the shopping expenses. Deena was telling me to show off the bracelet I picked for 22k - like I cared. 

I did vibe with Sekhmet, warrior goddess - Lion and woman. I had literally fought my way with each and every person in the group every single day of this trip. Rekha was so bloody manipulative and secretive - she dodged the question when I asked her how she had Muscat currency. She would act unnecessarily miserly, God alone knows. When Diana did video call with Nimisha to catch up in Luxor, I tried to join but Nimisha wanted to chat 1:1 and literally pulled her phone back. Diana always did coochie-coo with these Malayali people openly - so that was another sub micro group since 25 years.

Traveling in Luxor was also a so-so experience for me. I remember walking back alone to the hotel because the group was being cold with me for some unknown reason. I took my mini revenges - Did not give the scarf to Nimisha in the mosque in Luxor, she became a laughingstock for all, especially Rekha, because she was carrying her jacket on her head. I did not give my extra bag to Nitha or Deena who went begging to the other ladies to handle their shopping haul from every place. I supposedly finished Deena's water and got her to drink the airport water - I finished it, so I have to fill the bottle according to stupid Nisha who supported Deena at the airport. I took out Nitha's luggage to keep mine and her "nile water" bottle fell down - I did not bother to tell her that when she looked for it. I took the lead to use indrive to return to the hotel from khan-e-khalili. Stupid Nimisha would not try anything other than uber. The indrive driver was sauve - as if only Nitha has the hormones to have a crush on him. Self-obsessed entitled bitches. 

When we landed at Bangalore airport, I still had not learnt my lesson and was trying to convince Nitha about some hotel amount settlement and got to know that Nitha was traveling with Rekha - this HR bitch announced that she wanted Rekha to do all the calculations because she is good at it. Some bull crap. Deena did some calculations and tried to show that she was the math accounting bitch. I got some messages from Nimisha offline that I owe her some amount - I transferred and did not bother to pay anything else. I had pre-booked the cab and I just walked away from the group - I still wonder why Nitha called to say goodbye. 

I came back with such a strong feeling of hatred for each and every one of them - I did not want to meet them this whole year. After several weeks, the hatred got diluted and I was left with a frustrated feeling when I thought of them. 

For the sake of socializing opportunity and food exploration, I gave in and went for the Pixi lunch 3 weeks ago and the experience was a re-affirmation that I am the outsider in this group of 2 micro groups. They landed up planning Lalbagh visit on the same day that I wanted to go - I waited to see how I feel this time about going to Lalbagh with them again(?) and confided my issue to the husband and ChatGPT. Husband said that I give too much of importance to myself and should be ok to be a wallflower. ChatGPT validated my feelings and said that I could do what I want and avoid them totally. I went to the flower show at the time I wanted, did my usual thing and for one last time, try to spend time at the glass house more than usual to see if I wanted to meet the group. As I had already predicted, the group arrived with their own private coordination and not one single person asking my whereabouts except Nimisha because she anyway does check on all during such get-togethers. I saw that they were headed to MTR before the flower show visit and I finally did what my inner voice told me to do - check the shopping area and leave Lalbagh because I was done with my agenda and I was not interested to meet them. I ensured that I posted some status to establish that I visited the flower show and avoid them, gave a final sincere response to Nimisha because she enquired and blocked each and every one on whatsapp and archived the group. I don't want to create a drama by quitting the group all of a sudden. Being dead on the group eventually will help me take that step but I am yet to get there because of some nagging nostalgia block. 

Venting here has been cathartic on that note and made my resolve only stronger to get out of the nostalgia phase and let it run its course. I lost 6 "friends", I guess. But I know what shit I will tolerate and what I cannot. Have I grown up, I don't know. But I can see shit happening to me and walk away - I identified that strength. 

Sep 2026 addition:

Few incidents that I want to document that were and are red flags which I overlooked and let myself down:

• The 2nd hand textbook buying incident in 2nd year - I told Nisha and she told Rekha. We went together and that seller had only one book - Rekha asked first and bought it. I was the loser to have told Nisha instead of buying that book for myself.
• Went all the way to college once to give a lab record to Nimisha and also landed up late and missed attendance in the only one class that happened on that day. Totally unnecessary
• Took Nitha's bike keys and forgot to give and unnecessarily cut a sorry figure. I remember calling her and then wrote sorry 50 times on a A4 page. Thank God I tore that page and did not give her. She was my first friend.
• Made Deena join this group when Daisy acted weird and then landed up being unchosen over her between her, Nisha and me. The mallus chose each other then and many years later too - I realized that later when Nisha cooked biryani for Deena and confided her married life challenges to her, but never did I hear anything. I self-invited myself to Nisha's house twice or thrice. I think I stopped after hearing about Deena's special experience at Nisha's house.
• Rekha used to always confide to Nisha, that is fine. Her solo heroine aura used to overwhelm me, I suppose. Trying to get close to her and be accepted by her - natural in college days but I need not have self-invited myself to her house once when I worked at Netapp. Picked up so many gifts to kill time in that Mother Earth store on inner ring road. Some ghee rice, puri and aloo palya was made by her and I was so awestruck with that recipe and also when they dropped me home a km away. What a crazy people-pleaser I have been.
• I spent a high amount of cab fare unnecessarily for Nisha when I picked her up from Banashankari to the overnight get-together at Nimisha's house. I remember asking her the recipe for puttu and kadala curry - what a dumbass woman, she couldn't tell me the recipe in simple terms. Similarly, I spent a high amount of cab fare and paid for Diana when we visited Rekha's house in 2019. I unnecessarily bought amul chocolates for the kids during that get-together.
• I got a dumb bouquet from Nitha and Deena for my wedding. And I went in a cab to her wedding - did not depend on anyone and booked a cab for 4-hour package, I guess. Wanted some handy gift over a bouquet - so I chose a silver chain and pendant with a D design. I did not give any gift for Nitha's wedding and got to know about the sexy lingerie gift discussion between Rekha, Nisha and Nimisha. Diana's mom was one loose but friendly in the wedding. 
• I attended Navya's naming ceremony unnecessarily and gave a stupid gift of a 3 tier kovil lamp that paavam, my mom got for herself. Could have given 100 rupees instead or not gone.
• I did go to Diana's son's bday function in her new apartment in 2025 and re-gifted my choice of books for her son and got to see her apartment, that mental 2nd kid of her sister - Covid warrior though. From there, I stayed back and went to Deena's house and saw the massive, gated community and her preference to meet her church friends over me. I asked Nitha and Nimisha unnecessarily for a lift to any metro station and learnt how these massive, gated communities create confusion while trying to book a cab. I finally booked a cab and reached Indiranagar on my own to pick my daughter. How conveniently Rekha can fall sick with wheezing and avoid visiting when she feels like it. How many times Nitha invited to her apartment now with metro connectivity, but it won't happen because of Rekha / or maybe Deena. I did contribute to her housewarming because I did not gift her on her wedding.
• How many times I reached out to Nimisha for breakfast get-togethers, but she would not comply or purposely dodge "nicely"
• I went to their residence to congratulate when they had their children. They came as a group for mine and took all the mangoes - how overwhelmed I was. I do remember Nisha and Rekha saying that they "never" used bottle or pacifier for their children. Pah, bitches then and super-bitches now. Nisha deleted that Kanishka's number on the 1:1 chat secretly but I had already shared it in my personal whatsapp space. Kanthri.
• How Deena behaved when I asked for a sip of water in those caves in Egypt and how Nisha took her side and asked me to have once but didn't convince me again. I literally burnt of hate but I am ok now.

The above list are gentle reminders on why I should never bother to get in touch with these women, whatever happens to me or to them.

There may be many more, but I have decided to remember these to realize it was always there for 25 years but I kept going because it is important to have friends. Please, never such friends.

How things change and we don't change with it as fast as we should

Lot of things are changing in my personal life and professional life. 

Veetarag is no longer my manager since Nov 2025, and I still have not adjusted to this change in different examples. We were told to come to work once a week and I tried to go and noticed that few people were not doing so, emulated them. Since July mid 2026, we have been asked to come twice a week, and I am resisting it so much. It is not right but then I have my reasons, with the latest visit that had me waiting in the cab for an hour right outside the main gate of the campus. Two team members were fired in June 2026 without any notice. Then Veetarag called and informed that he was also impacted. Then I noticed Rashmi missing, the editor Sharmela missing. 

From June 2026, AI use is encouraged so much that I tried my hand to create an agent for the firmware guide update - Kiruthiga and Vikas showed off their agents, and I had my inferiority complex kick in - It still instigated me to create one, use it for my actual work and submit to Jeetu Patel - I got the 4k award. Then came some activity about xml to md conversion, I was caught off-guard and had to handle Samyuktha's throwball pick-up - I had to then hire the auto driver for this pick-up service. I have not started the feature work for the release and God's grace; the due date seems to have moved by a month. I thought I will finish it this week, but I see a surprise instruction to come to work tomorrow. 

How this pre-corona moves impacts me and my family: Daddy is no more and mom is quite senile. Sam is a teenager and doesn't want to go to mom's house after school, and she is also not liking this change of us being asked to come to work mandatorily. It is another story that the auto or cab fares are sky-high and most of the days, and no office work gets done. Not only that, but I also just got reminded that there is going to be 4-hour product strategy kick-off meeting in two days from 8.30 pm to 12.30 am. Yes, read it again - burning the midnight oil to know "strategies to work in the times of AI". 

But now I am being made to realize painfully that my mom, me and my daughter have to learn to navigate this change to sustain this job for as long as it holds. That means telling the maid to come early, which she sometimes doesn't due to her "bhakti", waking up early, planning provision and weekly meals a bit more carefully and get used to moving the butt out of the complacent zone to move forward with the time. 

In a way, getting busy like this helps to keep me distracted from the nagging thought of how to dodge meeting the dastardly set of friends I have been holding onto and seeing their true colors in the Egypt Jan 2026 trip. I shall definitely document my experiences in some days along with the memories I am left with from that trip, no offence to the beautiful country or its people.

How to help mom cope with this change - I don't know really. After reading the blog posts from 2024-25, there seems to be no change with her increasing senility which was testing my patience in the past few weeks. This change will give me a breather but might make her lonelier. Regarding Sam, all I can count on is the saving grace of the spare key, her teenage capacity to manage basics for herself, and being able to reach her over the phone whenever required or vice versa.

The arduous task of getting the will done, verifying the status and registering the property (the only solid asset my parents have left for us and which we hope will fetch us a good solid savings, considering the worth of this neighborhood), property tax, encumbrance certificate etc. and a good real estate lawyer who can help us with what we want in the most reasonable ways. - Sister is pestering to start this month and I am targeting aug mid of 2026 - Seeking prayers from the Almighty for this. 

Will keep blogging to get these things out of my mental system and also move on, especially now that I realize that I am on my own after daddy died.

Thinking of endings and new beginnings...

 I keep thinking of my dad a lot nowadays. How much he has suffered for days and we did not half of it. Gentle soul, Om Shanti. He was a short-tempered guy but age, financial dependency and illness softened him a great deal. No wonder he became a better company whenever I got bored towards the last few years. He helped me set up the house when I moved to Vignana nagar. He did not get to see me shift to this other apartment... 

His blessings - the house is now set up almost like how I can manage it. Thanks to Cisco, I am able to pay the increased rent and manage the house expenses at this point in time. I did have a thought that I must divorce my husband after one of my parent dies. Now that Daddy is gone, life has become very real now and I am understanding my past mistakes and the choices + consequences. Too expensive for my liking and I really cannot go back in time to change any of it. 

This marriage is definitely a mistake. I don't know which other Tom-dick-harry I would have married, if not for this one. We are not right for each other, I realize it all the more with every passing day, especially after Daddy's death. I just have not been able to understand when I should end it. I know my folks will not be surprised if we get divorced. And it hardly matters what others think if and when we get divorced. My thoughts before I take the first step are:

• How will Samyuktha cope?
• Will I be able to take care of mom on my own?
• How will I handle my finances in the long run?
• When is the right time for me to initiate this conversation? It is not a surprise in any way for both of us and he has already diplomatically said that he will not initiate it and will not refuse it if this relationship gets to that point. So it is just a matter of when and how.
• What should I expect as his reaction whenever I ask for the divorce? I am not interested in his money or property. He is a miserly, selfish son of a bitch and an asshole at that.
• How should I take the first step and how do I respond when we take the step?
• Where should I go from here?

That brings me to note two incidents I observed when I saw how he and his folks behave with us or rather me.

Feb 1st - His mom's 79th bday falls on a sat. He indirectly pressurizes us to come to his place to participate. His sister complicates the plan by telling him to move the bday party to her apartment. Because the unsaid part here is that it is convenient for her to avoid booking a cab ride and the car will not be sufficient to chauffeur her son and her along with the 5 of us. Plus there is a new darshini right next to her apartment. I draw my boundaries as usual and we go from this side of town to his place in the evening. He then, as usual, makes confusing decisions about the cake and the route and takes us to her apartment late because of a massive traffic jam and different bad routes. She asks her son to serve water to all of us. She won't even cut the cake properly and finally when we go for dinner, its so crowded that my daughter had to adjust sitting on the not-so-clean seat and me next to her, and the bitch next to me with no elbow space. Some random light tiffin items that did not taste great are eaten and we leave after lazing in her apartment parking or lobby for 15-20 mins. Could have been 30 mins. Then we return at 11 pm again in traffic and his choice of bad route.

March 6th - His dad's 84th bday. Thank God, my daughter had her Science exam the next day and this is a weekday. I did not bother to call because the dementia patient won't know what to respond and his wife is definitely not someone to whom I want to talk. I did get to know from the husband that his sister, BIL and nephew are joining them because its a good outing  - Vidyarthi Bhavan. Nephew's exams are almost done, she gets a free ride with her husband to and fro and she gets to eat in an iconic eatery. I did remind my child to show some interest to ask for the pics and talk about the outing. She was upset about the masala dosa. I was curious to see the pics - as usual, it was just about them. Not one pic with my husband it - he is the doer, she is the enjoyer. Few weeks ago, she asks him if she should come directly to the clinic when he had asked her to take his mom for her dental extraction. I mean - is it not evident that she is so blindly selfish and insensitive to ask if she must come to the clinic. He had to ask her for the chauffeuring because it was my b'day, followed by my daughter's. No common sense that the super senior citizens will need to be taken to the clinic. To add to this, her husband accompanies her to take the oldies to the dental clinic. And the old man vanishes at the leaving time - this perfect couple had to find him, bring him home and then go to the clinic. What an embarasment for my husband and his mom. 

Two years ago, on my daughter's 11th bday, I cook and make something special but turned out not special for his parents (they did not like it but were polite to not say it) for lunch. And I needed a breather before the cake and snack coordination begins. And the husband wakes me up when I am tired and drifting off to sleep on the deewan because his mom needs the deewan. She is pleasantly shocked and tells him to not disturb me and can adjust with her husband in our bedroom. That incident taught me a lot about my husband. His mom did not once engage my nephew who was just a year old then. Not a smile or a gift of 100 rupees to bless him. 

Why should I stay married to such a man?

I am now 43 years old and half-orphaned...

 Its 9 months since Daddy died and my first birthday without his wishes. I miss him a lot more than in the earlier months because the void is becoming more acutely obvious. Mom isn't the same as before and she only has very old memories to talk on repeat mode. He used to quietly listen to my rants and jokes in his last few months. That small act itself was so comforting. 

However, nowadays, I am trying to accept that there is nobody to listen to my rants and I try to see what I can do for my mom. I also try to observe how her small acts of help still make a deal in my daily life. 

The bday gift for me and my daughter from me was the Vietnam trip. Very very expensive, especially because I lost 30000 just for flight tickets to Delhi. On the flipside, I traveled to Chennai on my own with my daughter in a train, boarded their metro to reach their airport, took a flight to Delhi, changed terminals  by traveling in a shuttle (ticketless and let go with a warning by the bus conductor - embarasing but funny incident). I was offered the upgrade and thankfully chose it (after thinking over) on time to get a good sleep on our way to Ho Chi Minh. The 9k upgrade was a timely expensive decision because the rest helped in spending the energy in sightseeing that started right from the airport itself (similar to the Odisha trip in Sep 2024). Daddy's account helped in closing credit card bill without paying any unnecessary interest. I am going to repay every rupee in the coming months, by God's grace. I am also thankful to God for helping to fulfill my daughter's dream of getting her passport stamped and visiting more than one foreign country before her first teenage bday. The trip organizers were not very straight forward set of people - however, their accommodation choices, bus choices and itinerary were decent. The Delhi women were loud and noisy but did not make their judgements so openly obvious and were moreso minding their business. I got the required timely help from the trip guide whenever required and that was sufficient for me. I am old enough to not be disturbed by his attention to the loud Delhi women (who actually were okish sometimes). The intention of the trip was to go sightseeing in a safe setup, and I had no interest in making friends anyway. I especially liked the Maximilan hotel in Danang for its cleanliness, proximity to the beach and food. The cable car ride and the visit to Ba Na hills could have been better if the weather was clear. The 50000 dong raincoat helped both of us in all the fog and drizzle. The basket ride in Hoi An was a good timepass with Sam showing her sense of adventure and shopping scenes was also reminiscent of Pondicherry. Sam also got her favorite pair of Crocs with the decorations she always desired. She plans to take mine whenever she outgrows her current pair. 500 rupees in Vietnam and 4000 rupees in Bangalore for those branded Crocs. 

The shopping at Ben Thanh market in Ho Chi Minh taught me a very valuable lesson, with the first shopkeeper fleecing me outright. After that, I chose to bargain very well within respectable boundaries with ALL the shopkeepers. Which in turn helped me buy a bright yellow suitcase for 4L dong over her selling price of 5L dong. The other 2 friendly ladies (Kanchan ji and Saumya) in the trip had picked up the suitcases in Ben Thanh market for 5L dong, I heard. One of them - Saumya, picked up a cute ceramic tea set for 9L. I did not pick any showcase item because of the current house being so compact already and credit card was not accepted. The last activity of the cruise was a good timepass to see the Dragon bridge, love bridge, Han bridge and the skyscrapers at night on Han river. Reunification palace, Cu Chi tunnel were good history eye-openers of how war affects and America's highhandedness. Vietnam was overall safe, pleasant and worth visiting again.

The bad viral fever left me with no energy a day after we landed. Sam rested on Thursday and I somehow walked to mom's house on Thursday. Logged in too. On Friday, I somehow sent Sam to school, searched the chat history for the right antibiotic and got the Uber auto thankfully to and fro to Milan Pharma. Saturday was also very bad and I don't know what my sister expected from me in my pathetic condition that she came even on Sunday night. Monday is when I started feeling better and started working to get some productive tasks done to start the release work. Almost all the clothes are washed, folded, suitcases packed in the attic, gifts distributed on time and I also got to take care of Sam. Her falling sick happened after I started recovering - the timing could not have been better. Jitendra graced us on Saturday-Sunday to help with few bits of laundry rounds and babysit Sam. I won't forget how he picked a fight with me about Sam's sloppiness, even though I was so sick on Sat/Sunday. Asshole. 

He came on time on my bday evening, took us to Misosexy - place of my choice for dinner and encouraged me to indulge with that cocktail. He had also gotten me flowers and a 20k gift voucher for Westside. The first part of the day was quiet, peaceful with the usual routine of maid, paddus as breakfast, off from work, a regular south indian lunch with mom and daughter. The wishes were from the expected set of people at work, school, college and few cousins. Sam made a cute camera greeting card - she does have good art skills. I wore the China silk yellow floral long top with black leggings, and accesorized the attire with my diamond set and bangle. Overall, I am thankful for a peaceful 43rd bday celebration. It could have been better if my health was better. However, sam and I recovered on time for the bday dinner and work was also peaceful. In laws also managed the dental visit on their own with their dear daughter and SIL. So the husband had time for us. Mom's health is also decent, God's grace.

For the first time in years, I am going to have a peaceful and budget friendly teenage bday celebration for Sam. No unnecessary return gift headache, wastage of snacks and cake and hosting a bunch of noisy, irritating kids at this new apartment. As an alternative, we gave her a choice to invite her schoolfriends to a place of her choice and celebrating with them as she pleases. I am very thankful for this change in her (albeit took me years of bickering to reason my point. And I also openly pointed out to her that her dad is not around to help with those elaborate hosting activities - if she wants to repeat her previous years' celebration pattern). 

Last year, Daddy walked to the old apartment with my sister and I was so scared throughout if he will collapse without the concentrator. He stayed quiet in the background with no fuss and blessed the kid for one last time of his lifetime. Sam and I will miss his sense of humor, cheerful wishes and blessings. He is no more around physically but I know his presence is always around us and he wishes the best for Sam.

A week since dad started dying...

Exactly a week ago, it was clear that my dad was dying and unconscious even to know what was happening. The day shift SICU doctors at Sakra counselled us that his right lung was irreparable and he was too weak to be given any further treatments. And we were right in not going ahead with the ventilator. His lungs were filled with 90% CO2 and also some air around his accessory muscles around his collarbone. The fix to remove the air involved making a hole in his right side and such procedures would only cause him more pain and weakness. So it was time to give him the final stage of palliative care i.e. morphine to enable to him to die painlessly. Sister and I were inconsolable but we agreed in verbatim and also in writing. We were also told to give a heads-up to his friends and out-station relatives that he was dying and they could come to pay their last respects. I started with his brother, I suppose or Raghu. As and when I made the calls, the script became better and my feelings got under control.

The doctors asked us to wait near him and the fentanyl injection was administered to him in IV slowly. We knew that he was finally dying and painlessly. We spent couple of hours in grief, took a lunch break, returned and waited with him until sunset. Mom called us to come home and we left our dad to die painlessly and alone. The next morning, 25th May, Saturday, while I was getting ready to go to the hospital, I got the call that he died couple of minutes ago. I can recall how I froze. I still went ahead and made breakfast for myself and rushed with BIL and dad's younger brother. When I saw dad dead, he was freshly bathed, plastered with bandage around his head and chin to keep his mouth from opening more, cotton balls in his nose and stuffed in his mouth. His one eye was open and one eye was closed, totally lifeless. It did look like he was sleeping but his skeletal appearance was more obvious. The hospital staff were kind and gentle. I went to the mortuary with BIL and uncle and saw my dad gift-wrapped in bandage and a dark blue plastic cover. The bandage was put like a flap on his face. I lost it when the nurse did her duty to ask us to identify the body before she put him in the mortuary freezer number 8. What a number. She asked me to step out but it was enough to make me realize how it must be to be dead. While dad was waiting in the freezer in the mortuary to be taken home, we waited for the insurance procedure to come through. After a wait of 5 hours, I got into the ambulance with my dad gift-wrapped in bandage and a dark blue plastic cover. I have a picture of him in that and also a video of him suffering to breathe. Morbid but I think it is to remind me that he is actually dead. Uncle and aunt took photos of his dead body so insensitively and shared with all on whatsapp. My morbid instinct stopped just before that. I couldn't bear to see his mouth stuffed with cotton and temples sunken around his ears. His beloved older sister arrived before we reached and she took the intiative to cover him in a new dhoti and silk veshti around his face. She arranged the garland and put the green leaves to cover the cotton stuffed in his mouth. I definitely felt that I was not looking at my dad. It was his relic. The lung fibrosis had leeched him from inside, despite the expensive steroid and oxygen therapy.

Until we got him admitted, we were unaware of such developments in his body. Not our fault. He was too weak to be taken to the hospital and so, we chose to treat him for his lung infection at home with our family physician's help. If things went downhill (which all of us feared that would lead to his death eventually), we wanted him to be at home amidst his family members. Mom especially would not have been there to spend time with him in the last few weeks, if we had gotten him admitted. The family physician did suggest that we take him to the hospital for PEG surgery to get him to eat, after he recovers from the infection. The entire family was not for PEG surgery but he had me convinced to give it a try - because nobody should die of starvation. Dad had already starved because of lack of appetite and inability to swallow, the curse of lung fibrosis, causing severe decline in the weight and thereby, energy and immunity. The Ryles tube kept him fed enough to take the antibiotics. 

But the lungs just gave away on the fateful evening of 23rd May 2024. I had given him 2 teaspoons of water few hours before that afternoon because he was breathing with his mouth more and more open with the days passing by and lips getting dried up. He coughed so bad that my heart broke and intuitively, I felt that it could be the last few sips. At 4.30 p.m. or so, the Ryles tube was out of his mouth supposedly and the nurse pointed it out. I called the doctor and he arranged for Anitha to visit. I tried to ask this nurse to put the new Ryles tube and was checking the items required to be ordered. He heard our conversation and said - Anitha... Expert.... Saying these two words itself took a lot of energy but I sensed he was listening keenly and I consoled him that I will check and follow up with Anitha. I decided to resume work meanwhile because work was suffering in the middle of all this. 

Close to 6 p.m., my sister observed that he had removed the nasal cannula out of his nose and lying there with labored breathing. She called out for me and I also panicked. Over the past few months, if the nasal cannula wasn't there or if the O2 concentrator was acting weird, the poor man PANICKED, for the fear of dying. And here, he had removed it on his own and was unaware of his actions. When we asked him what he was doing, his response was that it was very noisy and none of us liked it. And why were we panicking. That was sufficient to make me search for Sakra ambulance. I was caught in a dilemma to wait to ask Anitha to come and confirm to hospitalize or go ahead and make the call. During the dilemma, he showed more restlessness to remove the cannula, even the new mask-like cannula and the nurse Jyoti had increased the O2 levels to almost 6L. She tried to tell me that it was to help him breathe better in the new mask cannula, I doubt it if she was right. Things were happening so fast and his SPO2 was not crossing 90. Giving more oxygen is also a danger without the pulmonologist's guidance. Which meant getting him admitted. So I dialed the ambulance and it reached in 30 mins. Meanwhile, he spoke his last few lines to my sister and mom, while I was preparing for the hospital visit. He was supposedly coherent. In the ambulance, he asked me the time - I said 7.45 p.m. Things spiraled faster after that. He lost consciousness and opened his eyes feebly when I called out to him. Touching him did not give any response. I realized I was losing him. Emotions crept up and the duty doctors tried BIPAP. He was not conscious enough to mimick the BIPAP breathing and next was ventilator option. I said no, BIL said no. The doctors arranged for x-ray and CT scan and we waited and waited. I broke down completely and BIL held me in his arms. After sometime, they got him admitted in SICU and put him on drips. The SICU night shift doctors told us for the first time that his right lung was irreparable and he was too weak to be given any further treatments. And we were right in not going ahead with the ventilator. His lungs were filled with 90% CO2 and also some air around his accessory muscles around his collarbone. The fix to remove the air involved making a hole in his right side and such procedures would only cause him more pain and weakness. There was some convincing done to try to give vasopressors to increase his BP - I agreed reluctantly. We drove back home in BIL's car at 1 a.m. 

I had warned my husband to come with our daughter the next day without fail to meet him one last time (at home because that was my instinct again) and he finally reached the hospital around the time we reached the hospital from here. My husband's face was ashened when he understood those long conversations with me describing dad's suffering and his skeletal appearance. Sam did not get to see my dad in the SICU, good in a way. She did not get to see him suffer since May 12 because I had kept her away in Vijaya nagar and she wanted to complete her swimming camp. She also felt that she was not looking at my dad when we brought him home and put him on the freezer. Ironically, I got the news from my mom's youngest sister that my mom's oldest sister died that afternoon on May 25th when I was on my way home with my dead gift-wrapped dad in the ambulance. So, most of my mom's siblings are yet to visit and pay their last respect to my dad and condolences to mom. Out of dad's siblings, two came - the oldest sister with her grandson in his car, thanks to her husband allowing her to get out of the house for those hours from Chennai. And the younger brother, for the sake of rituals aka patriarchy. If he had not come, my BIL would have done those rituals. And now he has to do it anyway for the 11th day.

A month later and I have lost a parent...

 Dad died on May 25, 2024 at 9.28 am. Need some more time to recount the whole experience.

Mid 2024 musings

 I am blogging after a very long time. 

Post-pandemic, one day, during a fight in the new rented apartment, my husband told me that he was shocked when he read my earlier blog post which mentioned that I wanted his parents dead in the next 5 years. He had this violated feeling simmering in him for a long time and never brought it up, until that fight. 

I knew that the blog post was my personal rant and of course immature. I did not defend that blog post but I did try to explain that those feelings reduced and it is more of neutrality. Nothing convinced him and I realized it is not easy to digest such violating thoughts from a spouse. I left it at that and the awkwardness still continues between us.

After many years, I re-ventured to open the blog and I read all my posts. The post that shocked him was actually ending on a practical note - How can I determine someone's death when my own parents are also weak and I do not know my expiry date? He of course used it for his point of view that I dislike his parents. 

However, what happened after that is I got scared of writing my thoughts. I tried writing in a paper but somehow the feeling that my raw inner most feelings have been considered "too much".

On a different note, I was looking back at our 13 years of marriage few days ago. It is now a sexless marriage, like so many couples I read about. If there is no emotional intimacy, from where will physical intimacy show up as sex. 

When we recently spoke about his father's dementia progressing, it felt like a tight slap on my face when I realized that my husband hadn't verbalized his father's symptoms as dementia - diagnosed before our marriage itself. He kept referring to a few incidents like this - it was showing up here and there. (Example: I remember the toilet not being flushed when I went in the wee hours twice before the house was renovated. Him eating without waiting for others was also not considered out of the blue.) Then the husband tells me during the same conversation - now do you recall why I was very quiet when I dropped you at BEML gate that evening after our coffee date because I could not contact my parents and confirm if they had reached Mysore. That was the tight slap. It was right in front of my eyes and I chose not to see it. This man I married had agreed to marry only because I agreed to stay with his parents after marriage. He got that confirmation very seriously and I only saw the "general" reasons. Over the years, I saw his extra dedication towards his mom and dad - like the mythological story "Shravan". Lucky parents. On the other hand, this guarantees the fact that he visits us at the apartment and won't pay the rent or pay for the provisions (unless I ask to share supposedly). It is convenient for him to use my pathetic communication skills during the pandemic when I started readying the apartment without waiting for him - because I was very uncomfortable and guilty and ashamed to ask him. I was financially irresponsible and spent a chunk of the layoff settlement Oracle gave me to invest in the house. Thank God. He had once blurted in anger - how can you ask me to leave my parents behind? So, when I started setting up the house, he felt pushed back and then decided to "visit". On the flip side, it worked for his benefit in ALL possible ways. Except for the fact that I had to take his daughter with me - he already has to take care of two other senior children of his.

I was SO ANGRY during the pandemic and the early years of our apartment move. The child bore a lot of the brunt. My role continues to be full-time remote, thanks to the kind manager. So in a way, socializing stopped. I stopped myself from talking to neighbors unless absolutely necessary. "Why is your husband not staying here?" "Why did you move here from Vijaya nagar, only for work?"

Shopping therapy continued. I have a lovely collection of beautiful silk saris and cottons. And a new love to travel has also sprung. Again, child bore the brunt of my temper - caused due to the underlying disappointment that my husband won't share my daughter's share of the travel expense or take us to so many places. I did not ask him again pointedly. It is a different story if he would have given. The recent Poothali Kerala trip money settlement conversation proved it. "Lene ke dene pad gaye", he said, at the end of the conversation - wherein I had to pay for my money that he withdrew as cash before the trip but I had to pay him supposedly. But he owed me 750. Which he asked me to deduct and pay him 4250/-. I did ask him to include the 540 rupees for the dhotis he picked up for the old fathers.

Now life has somewhat plateau'ed. Dad got diagnosed with a terminal illness called pulmonary fibrosis in Nov 2023 and uses a oxygen concentrator to breathe. Sister moved near to their house post-pandemic. She faced major disappointments from all of us during her new motherhood phase. She tried to use me as her foster mom but I became super-aware of her moves, especially the calculations she uses and manipulations. I cannot be her foster mom - and neither can I be always available for my parents. I have experienced first-hand partiality and lesser preference over her - considering she shined better in studies and made dad's dream of CA come true. And I have tortured my parents with my callous, reckless attitude during my late teens with studies and choice of men in my 20s. God's grace - NetApp took me in - I screwed up there also. Then Oracle - screwed up there also - looking back, it became even for the treatment from Kumar - his choice of giving me pathetic pay and work expectations. Eventually, CHR and Oracle saved me and helped me float during my mom's cancer treatment, reckless shopping and very young child-care. Cisco has been my life-saver in so many ways, I can't fathom. Living in a rented apartment, juggling a job and child-care, buying groceries and running a kitchen, finding my spiritual space and faith, enjoying solitude - rather than complain of loneliness, identifying grey areas in people and myself, and learning how I have become an ambivert, I have come a long way and there is a long way to go ahead, I know.

I got to notice dad's symptoms up-close and did my homework and found the right doctor. Cisco colleague guided me to the right doctor, I must add. He is on the right treatment and suffering the medicine's side-effects. He has lost a ton of weight and is having no stamina, at this point, for a minimal social life. I pity him and I dread old age where we become so irrelevant. My husband's mom is still relevant, thanks to her luck, genes and the worshipping from her son. He won't break her heart anytime, already broke it big time by marrying me. When she was feeling bad about yet to visit Kashi, I knew instinctively that he must have offered to take her, at the right time. He said he promised so, when I inquired casually later. I did not offer to join. I instead replied that I couldn't take my dad to Kashi. Can I take dad in the future, God knows. Do I want to, is another thing.

My parents and I had a bad fight on Apr 15, 2024, for a tawa exchange apparently. Mom and sister nicely put a scratch on the tawa and I did not check that before entering the shop and getting embarrassed. Mom's obsession over the right size of idiyappam thread - I have to buy another idiyappam maker. I got so irate on her obsession - she insults me that I do not know anything despite being 40. Well, that was it. Over the past few months, I felt over-used by them and I felt let-down when I asked my sister for help in going to the shop with the tawa from 11th cross. And she just did not turn up. The way she dragged me for every doctor consultation during dad's hospital admission in Dec 2023 - though I was recovering from my bum surgery, is no joke as to how she manipulates. 

I did take her husband's help in getting chauffeur'ed to the airport bus, when Jitendra had to run home to arrange bedsheets for the sudden guests from Mysore. And the poor man had to hide the Lucknow trip from his parents, how irresponsible of me. Especially to go right after back to back hospital admissions and the great Sankranti festival. I paid for the trip, I chose the dates and had given a heads-up in Oct 2023. I fell sick in Dec 2023 because of the pus filled cyst becoming an abscess, got admitted and recovered with his limited help during the admission - not that he would not have done more. I took the home care nurse option and paid a lot but they were God-send. I went to the follow-up consultations on my own because he is with his parents 25 kms away. And based on the doctor's confirmation, I went ahead with the trip, causing no disturbances to anyone. But no, I did the wrong thing supposedly. I "informed" him about the trip, not act like a spouse but a room-mate. I don't think so but I won't argue with him anymore. I was ready to lose all the money spent on booking the trip, if it had come to no-go situation. I agree that he was unhappy about me being stubborn in going ahead but what does he know of my plight of no company and traveling with strangers. (Still, I am thankful for these options nowadays.) He is lucky to have college friends who take him for trips and make him have fun and see places at the same time. Bandar kya jaane adrak ka swaad. The same trip with strangers is how I got to travel to Bhutan with Sam and get her to tick her long-time wish to travel outside India. God's grace.