Bittersweetness there... But now awaiting turning point with Bambi eyes ;)

Some things can still remain somewhere inside your mind and awaken afresh even when after one realizes that the whole thing has run its course. Thing had its own flavor of free spirits combined with brashness which is why it ran its course. Few gentle bits remained so far - sweeps me off and then brings me down to reality, leaving me yet again with a bittersweet after-taste.

Been to one of my friend's sister's wedding and I still seem to love attending weddings and get emotional watching the thali tying ceremony.

Time is flying and I see its imprints on myself and some events seem so long ago. Is that hinting that I am growing old? Please, my life is just about to have one of its major turning points and I am eagerly looking forward to it with hope and all good things possible. I want to feel younger, dreamier and vibrant than any other time in life till now, inspite of the realization dawning that there are so many responsibilities it bring along. :)

Life's priorities to get sorted out VERY SOON

I just want my life's priorities to get sorted out VERY SOON in the most amicable and extremely satisfying way.

Am done with gossiping and want to stay mum such that I get to drop some wise-ass polite remarks once in a while. However, I am keen to know the pulse and the buzz such that it has some good worth. Friendship and trust can so easily get weakened in a corporate environment. I hope I am surrounded with very good friends and trust-worthy people. I hope to give back the same. Gaining knowledge, enjoying work, acheiving success, very satisfying work-life balance with great perks, having a good mentor and getting to be a good mentor are also things that I really look forward and hope to experience for a very very long term.

My love-life keeps having its minor -ve peaks and lows. I am so surprised that it takes away all my attention and I show that frustration on everyone and everything. Silly me but it also means I am getting deeper into it. Hope that gets sorted out very soon too. I would want to be an understanding partner with the right sense of raising an alarm bell when things seem to go out of hand. I hope JK shall be equally the same kind.

Married life is about to begin. All I want is to have the right sense and skills to carry it off well with peace within and outside eternally and strength to face come what may. Kids - I shall get to that when the time seems right.

:)

Heights of dilemma!

Sigh!

To do or not to do is the biggest concern and dilemma in my life now.

Citrix, a company with quite good reputation took its own sweet time to offer me a job with a desired pay package at a lower designation level and have remained quite reserved about their work culture. During the interview time, I was very casual and laid-back as I was more keen in knowing the market expectations and my worth. My profile's worth was average but my company's profile was more of a convincing factor for Citrix to offer the job. However, they have been sometimes so employee-friendly in the interview rounds and sometimes so off-track. I really am tempted to join Citrix as it offers good pay, transportation + food free of cost, new domain experience etc. With my growing attraction towards JK, I find myself becoming clingy. Out of sight, out of mind might strengthen the relationship better and make me stronger and give him his space. Also, the hike in the pay would help me a lot to save up and pay off loans or splurge post-marriage. However, if the work culture is not like NetApp and ends up giving me shit loads of work to be completed without offering flexibility, then I do not want to land up with regrets and bitterness about changes that life is offering post-marriage. I tried giving my joining date expectations after a lot of rational thought. Am dying to hear something positive from them at the very earliest.

At the same time, I so badly do NOT want to quit NetApp for a lot of reasons like been here for 3+ years, known some of the people quite well along with the projects + processes, JK's presence though we hardly interact inspite of being in the same floor or same dept., gratuity amount, handle less surprises in addition to the biggest life-changing surprise called marriage, NetApp's market worth and my hopes to have a lifetime stint here until retirement and gratitude towards NetApp for giving many of my firsts in few things in life. However, the present management changes, politics and ego clashes in the team, product feature changes are keeping things so vague and frustrating to work. Also, post-marriage fears about heavy traffic along with long distance travelling and depending on JK on commuting makes me want to choose Citrix over NetApp.

All I want is a great job with great perks, great work culture, healthy environment to work with satisfaction and achieve success (monetary, mental, social and physical), good friends and a great work-life balance. Born in a middle class family, the money is very important to manage every small and big need in every way. Also, the mind needs to remain occupied, strong and positive for establishing healthy environment at home and work-place. God, please help SOON.

Break ke baad....

This title is inspired after the to-be-released movie in the same name. The movie is about "space in relationships". ;)

Wrote a blog post on companionship some months ago and this blog post follows its heels in a short interval. Maybe not expected so soon or maybe this is the how the cycle of events leads two people in a relationship.

I do not mean to sound condescending but it is a tricky task to balance your space and your growing closeness with your partner. You grow and allow the relationship grow to make it a mutual long-term success. Sigh, it is a self-taught lesson with its own ups and downs. Or more of an eternally evolving realization.

JK and I are in the midst of this learning lesson. Atleast I know that it is happening between us. Working in the same place and being in a relationship that is maturing into marriage i.e. going into a long-term phase has its ups and downs.

Ups - I keep hearing that I would get to travel to work together post-marriage and the distance should not matter. :D Apart from that, its true that we get to meet every day and that should only strengthen the relationship for good in the long term. Also, work-wise, it might help us establish better contacts or updates on corporate news etc. Plus the understanding about work role increases which should help in reaching better compatibility in non-work front.

Downs - I somehow do not really acknowledge that working in the same place allows closeness to grow, given that JK and I are of different temperaments, sometimes stark opposite. Yet again, maybe the differences in our temperaments makes the balancing act trickier. Am more of an optimist but not overly into it and JK is more of a realist. There have been conversations wherein I have realized that we are of totally different opinions and the best way to come to terms is arrive at similar median ground or agree to disagree. Not an easy task always when it involves decision-making or sensitive issues, but then if you treat your partner as a friend, then things can get smooth.

For example, the latest weekend outing turned out to be sour though it came out of an eventful progress in the relationship - we got engaged. :) Ramanjaneya temple in Hanumanth Nagar has become one of my special haunts after this relationship progressed few steps ahead gradually and started getting serious on all personal fronts, keeping everyone happy and excited. JK takes time out of his weekend and plans for the visit as I wanted to go to the temple to say thanks to Mr. Hanuman. I look forward to it too and all goes well with good weather, a hectic car drive for JK, satisfying temple visit and a surprise long-time pending visit to Vidyarthi Bhavan.

Phew, my rating favors MTR any day more than VB. Time always being quicker than me runs and its now 7 pm. JK wants to rush home to be with his family and you can imagine what follows next. :)

Not that I am against him spending quality time with his aged parents, however I want to sneak in some more time with the "fiance" but looking at his exhausted state and restlessness about the 25 km back and forth drive, I bite my lips and somehow all his efforts do not console my growing anger or disappointment. It is a weekend after all and it should not hurt to keep looking at the watch. I can not justify his actions but I do feel that he is losing the romantic part of a relationship by getting so caught up in the traffic woes and time management. Like a 35 year old man who has been married for 2 years. I wonder if I am behaving like a teenager or starry-eyed early-20 blonde. I feel as if I am a normal bride-to-be. :) And I so wish I knew to drive a car and had one. I would definitely do more than empathising or complaining. Hmmm, sigh. I could feel these feelings brewing silently. As its my nature, I tried to divert my mind and appear normal. I guess I need to master that art.

The car drive on the way home to drop me is filled with awkward silences and JK gets a hint. Called me at late-night to check if all was fine and I spilt everything from my system. Am sure I was playfully rude but then I realised I have to cut down my dreamy courtship phase expectations and get grounded to match JK's realistic approach to balance his time with everyone around and understand his traffic woes much better than just empathizing.

The whole outing was very pleasant for the events but when the time crunch comes to the forefront, I only feel I should distance myself from JK to keep the balancing act going well. So, working in the same place does not really help all the way. Waiting for a divine intervention to change a few things to make me more peaceful or him more adventurous or the work life interesting for the better. Lets see.

Break ke baad indeed. :)

Yearning............................................

Yearning is like a deep sigh
which becomes a deep song
that is sung by a deep voice
that dies its natural death,
thanks to time and fate.

Life makes anyone want things.
If not for that,
yearning would never be sung.

To not want things,
Yet to know if its worth it.
As of now, I want it
and so I yearn
and so I live.

Another one of those weird conversations happens to me today after six or seven long years. A friend of mine from my previous work-place happens to call me all of a sudden after a very long time. The conversation begins with the usual catching up on what has been happening in each other's lives. This friend had hinted his budding interest in me some years ago and I decided to nip it in the bud with discreet hints and we moved away from that subject after that forever. However, today's phone call seemed to be turning into that subject - He tells me that he had always been harbouring the urge to call me on the day when he had proved enough to me that he was serious in life and would make it big and today was it. Whoa! I could not even remotely sense that topic coming up. He had remarked at how confident and cool, yet polite I sounded in our conversation which was very different from my polite and demure self of those years. He mentioned that he had signed off a deal with my company and would be getting into some business contract. My intention was only to congratulate him and make it a catching up session whenever he would visit my office. But lo, this was so different than my wildest imaginations! :)

When the proving dialogue came up in the conversation, his cousin takes the phone from him and interjects into the call to confess that he was standing in the middle of a room with all these cousins around wherein he had told them to join him in the room to hear him talk to me. Little did I realise what was happening so far but I could sense what would come up. His cousin went on to say that my friend had always been mentioning about his impending day to call me and show how he had acheived something in life. Like I was someone very important to him and who mattered a lot to him but had not believed in him or his ideals. His cousins thought that this guy was a weirdo and I was a mere figment of his imagination. Even worse, the weirdo had made them leave all their important appointments aside and join him today. After a while, when I had overcome the reeling diversion, I interrupted the cousin and asked if the friend was high. I was right and then asked him to hand over the phone to my friend. I curtly responded saying that I was not understanding what was happening and he could call me back if he wanted to speak but only whenever he had sorted out this incident and was ready to catch up other than this subject. My friend meekly responded saying he would call back but I knew he might never be able to do that. It does not matter anymore unless he gets over his past-filled thoughts.

I liked the way I ended the conversation but I was disturbed that the past could come back and haunt, especially with such immaturity. I narrated this incident to to-be-Leopold and he guffawed so hard at my over-emotional friends and fan club. :D Felt good to see someone so grounded and neutral. :) That is what I love about him and sometimes it makes me want to wrench his neck when he tries to burst the bubble during our good times or his things-to-do.

Prithee, past better remain ONLY past. Present leads to the future and I seem to know where I want to go. God help me with good thoughts, good luck and positive strength to take life as it comes and also make it how I would like it to be.

Companionship

Liked this image which I got from a random Google search for the word which is the title and subject of this blog post.

As in my previous post, to-be-Leopold and I are getting to know each other better with almost every passing day. Work and other chores take up most of our time and geographical distance/time difference makes it difficult for us to concentrate on our relationship during his 6-week firang trip. However, he and I are almost at our sweet-nothings phase and sometimes it seems as if it is definitely filled with meaningful conversations. These conversations obviously allows us to peek into our minds and also gets us closer. I also found the will power to confide one of my deepest disappointment and was almost ready to brace whatever came my way. It was very close to my heart and esteem. He handled it so well that I wish I could have crossed all the geographical distance/time difference barriers and expressed my feelings in action than just words.

Looking back at how we managed our conversations showed how much one can accommodate for another person, if it were something meaningful and special. I, for one, am a very lazy morning person but would make time to complete chores to get ready to work quickly and attend his calls, so that we speak in leisure. He, on his turn, would call up twice a day without fail and somewhere somehow ensure that his activities are not disturbed and also that we spend time talking in leisure, though it pinches his pocket more than mine. Pray the corporate jungle does a favor to his pocket and expenses it completely on his return without a fuss.

During our conversations over these two weeks, I realized I had bugged him over a petty nagging issue at work and poor sweetheart of mine was all ears initially but it tested his patience too in the end. I did not realize this, dumb me. Am now making a conscious effort to digress from such topics because I miss him a lot and do not want to spend time overdoing in sharing something trivial and totally unrelated. I have started every teensy-weensy bit of my daily life to him. He is still quite collected but shedding his reserved side gradually. I appreciate his patience and his non-judgmental nature. Turning out to be a level-headed, sometimes over-realist with whom the relationship does not feel like the usual coy-lusty couple category but also good companionship with a quite good give-take balance.

Though he says that the marriage is a boring long-journey one-way ticket, we keep trying to agree to disagree because I am aware of that side and also believe in the companionship factor. We are from different cultures and friction is bound to happen, especially with his over-responsible nature compared to my laid-back side. Hoping to work on the relationship well in the long-term without life-disturbing chaos. His restrained nature makes me shake him up to open up but I notice that he has started warming up gradually now. Quite an extreme side of empathy exists that might not always be fair for himself but the way he melts, I'd say he deserves a hug and more. I remember confiding to a close friend that he influences me by making me more tolerant and sometimes optimistic with a check at the back of my mind. :) I might develop a better sense of empathy, thanks to him. However, I hope he pushes himself at a quicker pace with time because he really is good at whatever he likes to do but remains in the spot due to some unreasonable hesitation.

I would recommend such relationships to anybody and everybody as long as it is helping the people involved grow into better personalities in all spheres of life and still remain deep-rooted to each other.

Intense feelings and fuzzy brain-alarms

Last week went in a dizzy with my cyst causing me fever and pain, almost a severe illness. I had the strength to keep my wits intact on Monday to seek medical leave and go back home for a whole week to recover and bear the pain. The doc visits grew more frequent and so did my prayers to recover. It was a horrible phase with sleepless nights and slurry days. Thank God, am much better now.

Meanwhile, the only few things that kept me going were hope, my family, esp. my sis and a gradual-growing intensity towards to-be-Leopold. He was quite at his charming and caring best and we only grew closer over the random phone calls from me to him and viceversa that whole week. It was as if only he would understand me in the whole wide world. Felt strangely funny and good. I had messaged him at 2 am one painful night, least expecting a reply at that odd wee hour. However, he gave me a sweet surprise by sending a reply at 3:48 am which I saw much later. My sis was consoling my tears coming out of sheer pain, but I was inconsolable. His reply made me feel so much better though I saw it later first thing when I woke up in the morning. Such strong positive vibes between us - Thank God always for that.

I recuperated that week somehow and got back to work this week and his first response was that he had missed me genuinely and was glad to see me. :) I somehow did feel the same but it did not sink in that much until last night. The dinner deal was worked out after bracing increased workload and it turned out to be one real romantic outing. He had endearingly said that he would take me out for dinner to a place that appealed to me and he knew he might not really enjoy it gastronomically. He almost despises Italian cuisine for its bland nature and I seem to love it for its share of cheese and smoothness. He almost ran away from one of my favorite Italian haunts - a refined place during one of our previous dining ventures. I found it hilarious and disappointing at the same time but it was endearing in a way to compromise for him the previous time. I decided to strike gold when it was my turn to see him willingly compromise out of sheer sympathy and affection for me. I reckon he liked the ambiance and food was not the priority this time. I did coax him and drag him to the same restaurant and was successful this time. All the attention put me in ninth cloud with the constant jibe that things might get more serious. We are working out the long term deal and in the midst, we find ourselves in intense feelings and fuzzy brain-alarms. There was a restrained yet better expression in the physical proximity. Gosh, I've never ever felt such delicious shivers when I gaze into his intoxicated eyes. The eyes spoke volumes though he was as diplomatic as ever. I obviously chose to replay the same. Sigh, I was scared to push it more or even encourage the same. The fear somehow does seem justified but it sometimes pushes me to bitter-sweet situations.

I pray for strength and grand, great and simple pleasures and peaceful contentment ahead for a lifetime for us in all spheres of life.

The other side of Easter...

One part of me was bleeding its death and the other part was awakening to a fresh move.

Watched a play with a companion and this date was something that I had contemplated for a long while now. It almost seemed as if it would not happen and then, bang on, it happened just like that... It felt as if someone was teasing me as to how could I jump to such conclusions. :)

The play was my second time and it felt better the second time but definitely not fresh. I got carried away the first time coz of a hunk and this time, the play tugged at my heart with better performances from the actor whom I had sidelined the first time. The play was at a famous theater near a location that was close to my heart for another reason. The location was a nice little coy lake where I had met my long lost friend after a decade. The meeting was a short and sweet one and a breather during my broiling hell time 4 years ago. I had met my schoolmate after a very long time and the whole memory of us catching up and hunting for a place to eat and then me returning home late since we had just not got enough of the time - all this was very fresh in my head.

To be able to go there again was a long time thought and it just happened without any planning after so many years. One part of my head was reliving the 4 year ago incident and another bit of me was sinking in the reality - The company was definitely getting mesmerized with me and I enjoyed the whole date oh so much. It ended in a one of the very interesting conversations I've had - "a lot can happen over coffee" explains it all, locale and context. Hmmm.... :)

P.S. A compliment that got me all conscious but yes, damn good.... "You look fair even in the dark" - ahem, it was meant on face-value and I guess it came out of the lighting effect in the theater and the mesmerizing feel. :D I was caught unaware for sure. :)

Migration....

I was reading about online migration from one of my new things at work. Made me think of how convenient it would be if it was possible for minds and not only storage systems.

Online migration means transferring your data from an old storage system to a new one if the old one stops serving its purpose due to overload or performance issues. Making that an analogy to the emotional context, I swear it is just not possible without killing your conscience.

My life now seems to be a little more spacious but then I sometimes land up thinking if the space is all worth the pain in the head. But the 6 year history was quirky in its own way with two years getting stepped down with another parallel circle. It remain history is its best worth forever - my prayer forever. Parallelism can exist in its own balanced comfortable distance without stepping on my toes or disappearing.

Work is vague and hectic in its way. I only want it to get clearer and lighter. I hope it does not numb me coz I am benumbed already anyway. I always believe there has to be a balance in life at work and personal front. I plead to the strength above to get me thro this phase and make work a smooth sweet ride forever...

Worst Easter gift....

The worst Easter gift I could give someone.... Sorry about it...

Read this somewhere - The flame of love is now just a cold loneliness. ~Uniek Swain

Whatsoever!

Why should it make a difference when somethings happen for no reason and has had no meaning whatsoever?

Why should it matter when good times were not completely good enough?

How would it be possible to compromise on somethings that are a part of you? Why should it even be considered genuine when even the mere communication channel was not clear? Is it not logically the best thing that the mere reason for your interest dies down with time and you are better off without it?

Masinagudi has its memories and now it jibes me without me in it. I can appease myself saying the last time was just the place and not the people completely anyway. But that reality and getting over feel is a little bitter medicine one has to swallow.

Only naive persons would not learn from experiences. In a way, Kate realizes the naivete is so similar to the naivete whom she desisted and kept in the distance of an acquaintance.

Leopold better be the almost opposite but a very understanding character! Get him to Kate sooooon!

Life!

Life by Paul Laurence Dunbar


A crust of bread and a corner to sleep in,
A minute to smile and an hour to weep in,
A pint of joy to a peck of trouble,
And never a laugh but the moans come double;
And that is life!

A crust and a corner that love makes precious,
With a smile to warm and the tears to refresh us;
And joy seems sweeter when cares come after,
And a moan is the finest of foils for laughter;
And that is life!


**********************************************************

Just what I was wondering how to write....... I want to be able to write such deep words.....

Longing

Longing
by Sara Teasdale



I am not sorry for my soul
That it must go unsatisfied,
For it can live a thousand times,
Eternity is deep and wide.

I am not sorry for my soul,
But oh, my body that must go
Back to a little drift of dust
Without the joy it longed to know.

I Am Not Yours

Found a beautiful poem by Sara Teasdale. This one reflects what I meant in my last blog. :)

I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love, put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.

***************************************************

Beauty in such words to describe what is on the mind.... Sigh.

How Do I Love Thee.....

How Do I Love Thee
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

*****************************************************************

Waiting for the time in my life when I am overcome with such passion for my love in my life....... My Leopold does exist, you know... just playing hide and seek.... :)

28th bday approaching....

Hmmm, one thing I missed out in my previous post is that I had one long time wish fulfilled just on the day before the eve of 2010.

I donated blood to a lady whom I had never met and was to undergo a hysterectomy. She was a relative of a colleague of a friend of mine. He was going to donate blood and told me the same. I went along since that would be my best chance to do something with someone familiar around. I always wanted to donate blood and was quite skeptical about the thing - my typical initial hesitant nature for anything though I would be dying to try the thing. The doctor who checked my blood level was so eager to get me to donate blood because she found me healthy. It felt funny and good. She realized it was my first time and made me feel comfortable. She almost repeated twice - "Your blood level is very good." Quite in the tone of a compliment. :) Touch wood!

And now this saturday my 28th bday approaches. Am wondering how it is gonna be. There are the usual positive vibes, hope and looking-forward-to-things. Waiting... :)

2010 - 4 days old!

2010 - People address it as "twenty-ten". I like the sound of it - has a nice ring to it. It is 4 days old and here I am blogging after a long long while.

Just got back to work after a week long xmas hols. Some companies call it "forced holiday". And some call it shutdown hols like ours. I like the latter anytime. :) Vacation went quite useful and pinched the pocket too.

Bought a microwave to kindle the cooking bug in me. Culinary attempts: Shahi tukda, pasta in tomato sauce, veg biryani and brownies. Of all these, veg biryani (Special dish on New Year by me) came out well, thanks to mom's tips and microwave. :) Sis and mom gorged it and did give me a lot of credit. That is when I realized what it feels like to feed people and make them happy and feel good and proud in return. Overall, cooking is quite interesting and tricky at the same time. He he. Told this to Jitu and goodness, he was rotflol for sure if I am right. I agree with him on the 'aagasa' quote. Lets see how long I oghithini. So far so good since its been fun.

Bought gold but I am still seeing stars. I consider it a good investment any day though some parts of our society still requires to be satisfied with its show.

Bought a double-cot for my parents from Lifestyle. A nice Tuscan wood queen size cot with great finish for a reasonable price. My parents, who are in dire need of it coz of old age and comfort, were postponing this purchase since God knows when. And I decided to take up the responsibility and grow up for them. Woohoo! I exclaim coz I realized that setting up a family is no joke and requires a lot of thought, care, time and finance.

Watched "3 idiots" twice and loved it more the second time. A nice touching movie with its own share of mischief and one-liners and most of all, the theme. Watched Avatar in 3D - Quite enjoyable but painfully long. Liked Paa more since it was very endearing. Loved the Bacchans and Ms. Balan. Made me relax during the most hectic work week I've known in the current work place. :)

Apart from this, I've been busy contemplating that I need to settle down at the earliest and am in search of my soulmate. :) Sounds so convincingly desperate but its not that bad. I just feel it would be the right time. And poor parents of mine too. :)

Hoping twenty-ten works out well for me and helps me grow up in every sphere of life. Praying for more patience, sensibility and positive strength. I also pray that the world around becomes a safer and happier place to live in. For me, 2009 was definitely quite good but it went really really really fast. Hmmmm.... :)