So unsure of myself - this phase is so new to me and at the same time so naturally me. I do not know what I want to do at work or in my personal life. And yes, it leaves me with such deep-seated qualms about my future that is almost 50 odd days away.
Finance is one of the main reasons for my jittery state of mind with so many other important responsibilities to be handled simultaneously - wife, dil, sil and not sure when the family expansion mode would set into the spouse once the knot is tied. I do not want to rush into that mode yet as the stepping stones are itself so steep. And how do I let go or not hold on to with the natural sense of zeal to my roots which is how I have been shaped down to the electrons in my mind/body.
Work-wise, I am neither pushing myself hard to get somewhere nor am I doing what I have been given with pleasure or infact any bit of interest. I know the world is moving too fast around me and I am just acting as if I have been stoned.
Romance is happening with its own peaks and lows. Stark opposite nature does cause friction and me being sensitive is just not the right dosage to heal the lows or move from the highs. I'd like to draw a line and work on myself before I throw myself into the sea of passion or belonging. Otherwise, wounds would occur so easily that nobody would know when what happened but the sore feeling would not be missed for a long long time.
Friendship also seems so out of touch with every friend getting busier. I thought I was independent but am emotionally still looking for an anchor. Books and short stories have been a consoling shoulder.
I should swim harder and get out of the sea of depression before it swallows me. New things beckon and I better not let it affect my work or my personal life. God, please help and throw the fishing net soon enough in some way.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Happiness galore and a pinch of regret - makes me feel human anyway!
Good news today that has done wonders to my sister and indefinitely even for my parents - My sis cleared her CA first set of papers with flying colors. She had written this set long back and cleared Group 1 with average marks. However, to complete the first set, she needed to clear Group 2 and it happened at last on her 3rd attempt. When she did not clear the last two times, she was so heart-broken and desolate.... phew, I did not have enough words to console her but her efforts have finally paid off. She was pretty mature this time in handling her fears when it was result time and so very happy when she informed me about her success. She is now capable to work in any multinational firm for a good pay and still only 20 years old. :) Her marks are supposed to be equal to any rank-holder. :)
When she called me to inform this, I was so elated and the minute she mentioned that my dad was very happy, I felt my heart sink with sadness. I was shocked at my own self but realized that I had this regret alive in me for disappointing my parents with my incomplete B.Sc degree and having let them down. What he says in 3 idiots is so true. :D Anyways, am human and I hope to do my bit that can keep my parents proud and content.
Am glad that the lil girl is now just one more set of exams, final year B.Com exams and few months of articleship away from becoming a qualified CA. That would be her key to success in life and career and the apple of my parents' eyes. God bless her and fulfill all her dreams and keep her grounded at the same time.
When she called me to inform this, I was so elated and the minute she mentioned that my dad was very happy, I felt my heart sink with sadness. I was shocked at my own self but realized that I had this regret alive in me for disappointing my parents with my incomplete B.Sc degree and having let them down. What he says in 3 idiots is so true. :D Anyways, am human and I hope to do my bit that can keep my parents proud and content.
Am glad that the lil girl is now just one more set of exams, final year B.Com exams and few months of articleship away from becoming a qualified CA. That would be her key to success in life and career and the apple of my parents' eyes. God bless her and fulfill all her dreams and keep her grounded at the same time.
Monday, February 7, 2011
JK and my first anniversary.....
Feb 6, 2010 - Fateful day that changed JK's life and so did mine. I had managed to cough up the guts to ask JK if he was interested in me and marriage - basically, proposed to him.
How I did it - I do not know. :D
I mean, I had wanted to ask him in Sep 2009 itself, then pushed it to Dec 2009 and then did not want to ask at all. I was not at all sure and did not want to rush - Once bitten, twice shy. Also, he had just then joined my work place in Aug 2009 as my referral after a short gap caused by job hunt due to recession, esp. in US. It was my personal pressure point - my parents were freaking out to get me settled with me turning 28 years and me wanting to tie the knot with someone whom I'd like along with parents' approval, but no hard and fast rules that it had to be love/arranged. Life had taught me enough and JK was very keen to sort out his life with work being the top-most priority at that point in time. On the other hand, JK's comfort level with me was growing into good friendship. So why would anyone want to spoil it?
On the fateful Feb 5 evening, JK and I went to Koshys for a light snack as it was his turn to invite me for a casual meet over coffee. I was trying to not overdo my turns to invite him for plays or coffee or dinner/lunch treats. He was lapping up all the attention I showered on him at work or otherwise. I knew I was hinting but the block-head will not ask more than coffee invitations. To top it, he kinda got the drift after my sms in Sep 2009 that I'd like to talk to him about something personal someday. :P RAC?!! ;)
In Koshy's though, I saw some minor changes in JK's behavior - he was his friendly self but was imitating my actions and that was obviously giving me some very hazy ideas about his interest level in me. I had been sure that I will wait for some signs from him and if things looked just as they seem aka friendship, then I would go and tie the knot with Srinivas, the CA chap at the earliest chance and sort out life thereafter. I had had enough with my parents. However, I went home and after a great deal of brainstorming and finding few convincing signs from JK, I sent him a message that I wanted to talk and we could meet or it could be done over the phone. He replied back saying he was fine to meet. The fateful meeting was to happen in Cha Bar at 4ish.
I had worked out Feb 6th as the date coz the next week was Valentines and I did not want to run the show with the world - so cliched and the week next would be my birthday. What if the answer was a no?! Who would want to spend a year moping for Feb 14 or spoil their bday? Plus Cha bar is a decent place and not far from my home too. ;)
We met and I was my usual jabber, trying to cover the butterflies and procrastinate. At one point, there was an awkward silence and JK gave me a known look - "What did you want to talk?"
A little flashback - He had asked me this q in Sep 2009 in Coffee day at Lido mall very innocently and I just mumbled some dumb pretext about doing it later. That was another funny meeting initiated by me to watch a movie which turned out to be A rated and I did not know where to keep my face that particular evening. JK was enjoying the whole thing inside but accompanying me to different theatres. Thankfully, we did not watch any movie that day. In Dec 2009, I offered to treat for my 2.5 year completion and he found it hilarious that someone would insist so much. Not his fault completely but I was planning to ask him out. However, I was definitely not prepared for the conversation. I was both very embarrassed and annoyed at my situation. So, I gave the treat and quietly postponed the thought to later or choose any other option for my future.
Now, back to Cha bar, I realized I could not procrastinate further and asked him first thing - "Are you seeing anybody?" He gave me a known wise smile and said no. I decided to take the hint and plunged right at the point - Only strategy was to mention that it was because of my parents and wanted to know what he had to offer. I would not mention anything about my feelings or all that usual cliche coz that would make the friendship suffer and everything was still very nascent. He listened to me patiently and said "No. I would not be interested in marriage as my parents would not support me in this." That was it and it was time to wind up on a friendly note. So, I said that was perfectly fine and we could let this thing pass and wind up for the day. He tried to prod me more ("I would love to but I cant.") in return as to what I wanted and keep parents aside. I still remember the answer I gave and am proud of myself for that - "That is not necessary anymore when we the answer is a no." We stood our grounds, showed our best behavior as usual and decided to leave. I shopped for some CDs at Oxford and everything was normal on the outside. Inside, I was now working out other alternatives and trying not to show anything that would spoil the friendship. The boy, as usual, was trying to observe every movement of mine and getting confused totally. I insisted I would go home on my own but he insisted he would drop me. I still do not know why he insisted. On the way, he tried prodding me again and that was taking its toll on me. At one speedbreaker near HAL factory, there was a movie-like scene - He had not pressed the brakes on time and I obviously fell on him. I remember holding my ground and not getting distracted or confused. That did leave an impression on him. ;) I remember very vividly what he said at 11th cross board - "Many girls have proposed to me. This is not new." I was annoyed at his arrogance but then I did not want to misinterpret anything anymore. So, I left it just at that and thanked him with a msg asking if all is well and nothing had changed and would prefer him to remain the same mocking friendly self. He replies back sweetly - Yes. All is well and I will not stop mocking you. Well, I was a sweet goof too - I had asked out a guy and still walked out with my head in the air, least unaffected after a "No.". :D
I could sense a change in his attitude from the next working day onwards. He started initiating outings and would wait for my arrival at work. Everything was discrete though. :) On V-day, I sent him a message to wish him, totally not my nature and he calls back saying that he wanted to talk and clarify few things. As it was in Cha bar, both of us again remained neutral on the outside and spoke maturely about our wants/preferences and how we should work it out. I cant recall why or when he invited me for a treat at Gateway hotel. It was again a follow-up conversation to decide to make sure he was making the right decision to try to go ahead with this deal. I was quite clueless about a lot of things but then I knew certain priorities.
We had a lot of conversations after that in different places (mostly at Ants) about our strategies, rules and how to proceed for the deal. His insistence to not get involved emotionally was taking a toll but I realized that it was sensible. It did show me how patient I could get and how I could coax things out of him or make him see sense or follow his logic to keep all stakeholders happy - I made him admit his feelings for me once though it was decided that we would get involved only if parents approved, horoscopes matched etc. etc. I met another alliance and that irked me somewhere but then made me decide that it was JK whom I preferred. Calmed my parents to wait for his side to move forward. At one point, both of us started liking each other though things were unstable and we were waiting for the horoscope match results as if it were do or die phase. At another point, he started pushing his family with subtle and confusing hints about me. I was enjoying and getting serious about him when I got to see his liking for me, how it got me upset and awkward between us when his mom did not approve, how he sent my photo to his sis, how they came home and met us formally, how his mom started warming up to me, how we reached the final "yes" phase. Then the second meeting to discuss engagement date, then his US visit, then preparing ourselves to announce it at work. Got ragged royally - He keeps wanting to announce it before my turn and I was praying inwards to somehow delay that as I was busy in a training. We announced it at the same time to our respective teams and some nodded with a known look and some were zapped. The engagement went on well and gave an idea about the families. I had even played a prank on a close friend about JK and it boomeranged but fun indeed. :D We did engagement shopping and preparation, wedding hall hunt, date decision, my dowry jewelry shopping for him together. :D
Celebrated yesterday in a quiet way by attending his best friend's wedding and tea at Cha Bar. We even sat at the same seats and reminisced about how this started, what lies ahead and how we like. I got a little impulsive and ended the day by calling him to wish goodnight and say "love you" at 10:45 pm when I very well knew he would be snoring to glory. :) The pig picked the call - "What happened? Go on. Its ok. Tell me.", snorted in his zombie state and replied back - "Love you too. Good night." I was in splits and also mildly annoyed. :D He tells me today that he liked that sweet pleasant surprise act of mine. :) Yeah right, always loves my attention, no doubt. To give the same, he would show some bit of pricey airs. Phew, porki and a sweetheart
Been a quirky fun ride so far. I pray for better and sweeter things ahead for both of us and for people involved with us forever.
How I did it - I do not know. :D
I mean, I had wanted to ask him in Sep 2009 itself, then pushed it to Dec 2009 and then did not want to ask at all. I was not at all sure and did not want to rush - Once bitten, twice shy. Also, he had just then joined my work place in Aug 2009 as my referral after a short gap caused by job hunt due to recession, esp. in US. It was my personal pressure point - my parents were freaking out to get me settled with me turning 28 years and me wanting to tie the knot with someone whom I'd like along with parents' approval, but no hard and fast rules that it had to be love/arranged. Life had taught me enough and JK was very keen to sort out his life with work being the top-most priority at that point in time. On the other hand, JK's comfort level with me was growing into good friendship. So why would anyone want to spoil it?
On the fateful Feb 5 evening, JK and I went to Koshys for a light snack as it was his turn to invite me for a casual meet over coffee. I was trying to not overdo my turns to invite him for plays or coffee or dinner/lunch treats. He was lapping up all the attention I showered on him at work or otherwise. I knew I was hinting but the block-head will not ask more than coffee invitations. To top it, he kinda got the drift after my sms in Sep 2009 that I'd like to talk to him about something personal someday. :P RAC?!! ;)
In Koshy's though, I saw some minor changes in JK's behavior - he was his friendly self but was imitating my actions and that was obviously giving me some very hazy ideas about his interest level in me. I had been sure that I will wait for some signs from him and if things looked just as they seem aka friendship, then I would go and tie the knot with Srinivas, the CA chap at the earliest chance and sort out life thereafter. I had had enough with my parents. However, I went home and after a great deal of brainstorming and finding few convincing signs from JK, I sent him a message that I wanted to talk and we could meet or it could be done over the phone. He replied back saying he was fine to meet. The fateful meeting was to happen in Cha Bar at 4ish.
I had worked out Feb 6th as the date coz the next week was Valentines and I did not want to run the show with the world - so cliched and the week next would be my birthday. What if the answer was a no?! Who would want to spend a year moping for Feb 14 or spoil their bday? Plus Cha bar is a decent place and not far from my home too. ;)
We met and I was my usual jabber, trying to cover the butterflies and procrastinate. At one point, there was an awkward silence and JK gave me a known look - "What did you want to talk?"
A little flashback - He had asked me this q in Sep 2009 in Coffee day at Lido mall very innocently and I just mumbled some dumb pretext about doing it later. That was another funny meeting initiated by me to watch a movie which turned out to be A rated and I did not know where to keep my face that particular evening. JK was enjoying the whole thing inside but accompanying me to different theatres. Thankfully, we did not watch any movie that day. In Dec 2009, I offered to treat for my 2.5 year completion and he found it hilarious that someone would insist so much. Not his fault completely but I was planning to ask him out. However, I was definitely not prepared for the conversation. I was both very embarrassed and annoyed at my situation. So, I gave the treat and quietly postponed the thought to later or choose any other option for my future.
Now, back to Cha bar, I realized I could not procrastinate further and asked him first thing - "Are you seeing anybody?" He gave me a known wise smile and said no. I decided to take the hint and plunged right at the point - Only strategy was to mention that it was because of my parents and wanted to know what he had to offer. I would not mention anything about my feelings or all that usual cliche coz that would make the friendship suffer and everything was still very nascent. He listened to me patiently and said "No. I would not be interested in marriage as my parents would not support me in this." That was it and it was time to wind up on a friendly note. So, I said that was perfectly fine and we could let this thing pass and wind up for the day. He tried to prod me more ("I would love to but I cant.") in return as to what I wanted and keep parents aside. I still remember the answer I gave and am proud of myself for that - "That is not necessary anymore when we the answer is a no." We stood our grounds, showed our best behavior as usual and decided to leave. I shopped for some CDs at Oxford and everything was normal on the outside. Inside, I was now working out other alternatives and trying not to show anything that would spoil the friendship. The boy, as usual, was trying to observe every movement of mine and getting confused totally. I insisted I would go home on my own but he insisted he would drop me. I still do not know why he insisted. On the way, he tried prodding me again and that was taking its toll on me. At one speedbreaker near HAL factory, there was a movie-like scene - He had not pressed the brakes on time and I obviously fell on him. I remember holding my ground and not getting distracted or confused. That did leave an impression on him. ;) I remember very vividly what he said at 11th cross board - "Many girls have proposed to me. This is not new." I was annoyed at his arrogance but then I did not want to misinterpret anything anymore. So, I left it just at that and thanked him with a msg asking if all is well and nothing had changed and would prefer him to remain the same mocking friendly self. He replies back sweetly - Yes. All is well and I will not stop mocking you. Well, I was a sweet goof too - I had asked out a guy and still walked out with my head in the air, least unaffected after a "No.". :D
I could sense a change in his attitude from the next working day onwards. He started initiating outings and would wait for my arrival at work. Everything was discrete though. :) On V-day, I sent him a message to wish him, totally not my nature and he calls back saying that he wanted to talk and clarify few things. As it was in Cha bar, both of us again remained neutral on the outside and spoke maturely about our wants/preferences and how we should work it out. I cant recall why or when he invited me for a treat at Gateway hotel. It was again a follow-up conversation to decide to make sure he was making the right decision to try to go ahead with this deal. I was quite clueless about a lot of things but then I knew certain priorities.
We had a lot of conversations after that in different places (mostly at Ants) about our strategies, rules and how to proceed for the deal. His insistence to not get involved emotionally was taking a toll but I realized that it was sensible. It did show me how patient I could get and how I could coax things out of him or make him see sense or follow his logic to keep all stakeholders happy - I made him admit his feelings for me once though it was decided that we would get involved only if parents approved, horoscopes matched etc. etc. I met another alliance and that irked me somewhere but then made me decide that it was JK whom I preferred. Calmed my parents to wait for his side to move forward. At one point, both of us started liking each other though things were unstable and we were waiting for the horoscope match results as if it were do or die phase. At another point, he started pushing his family with subtle and confusing hints about me. I was enjoying and getting serious about him when I got to see his liking for me, how it got me upset and awkward between us when his mom did not approve, how he sent my photo to his sis, how they came home and met us formally, how his mom started warming up to me, how we reached the final "yes" phase. Then the second meeting to discuss engagement date, then his US visit, then preparing ourselves to announce it at work. Got ragged royally - He keeps wanting to announce it before my turn and I was praying inwards to somehow delay that as I was busy in a training. We announced it at the same time to our respective teams and some nodded with a known look and some were zapped. The engagement went on well and gave an idea about the families. I had even played a prank on a close friend about JK and it boomeranged but fun indeed. :D We did engagement shopping and preparation, wedding hall hunt, date decision, my dowry jewelry shopping for him together. :D
Celebrated yesterday in a quiet way by attending his best friend's wedding and tea at Cha Bar. We even sat at the same seats and reminisced about how this started, what lies ahead and how we like. I got a little impulsive and ended the day by calling him to wish goodnight and say "love you" at 10:45 pm when I very well knew he would be snoring to glory. :) The pig picked the call - "What happened? Go on. Its ok. Tell me.", snorted in his zombie state and replied back - "Love you too. Good night." I was in splits and also mildly annoyed. :D He tells me today that he liked that sweet pleasant surprise act of mine. :) Yeah right, always loves my attention, no doubt. To give the same, he would show some bit of pricey airs. Phew, porki and a sweetheart
Been a quirky fun ride so far. I pray for better and sweeter things ahead for both of us and for people involved with us forever.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
3rd month anniversary of my engagement with JK
Today is the 3rd month anniversary of my engagement with JK. Yes, its now 3 months since he became my fiance officially. Sometimes it feels as if I've gotten used to it and sometimes am caught unaware that it actually has reached here from acquaintanceship.
As I've told many times to close pals and others, this was not planned though even JK does not agree, thanks to how I told him I got impressed with his decent and friendly nature as we got to know each other better, esp. the NY sight-seeing trip during my US visit in 2008. Whenever I used to talk about the NY trip, I somehow landed up telling about this genuinely decent guy and now JK uses that to tease me that I fell for him flat on my face since then. What would a girl do otherwise when a guy is being cordial to her and not a bit in-your-face flirtatious in a strange land? It is a different story when he says he had nothing else to do at that time and had not actually gone out of his way, just coz it was me. According to him, he has been cordial to a lot of people, esp. women. Well, if that was his nature, good for all of us and himself. :P However, he cant deny the fact that he is the one who used to ping me almost everyday and catch up, which is how we became good friends. I can twist his intentions too here. ;) But I admit that both of us really did not see where this was going and reaching here just happened as a matter-of-fact, thanks to circumstances.
This quote describes what I agree on the definition of love and hope to feel every bit of it for JK in the days coming ahead for both of us. I already am quite there (last 4 lines):
“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
He is the one who casually remarked that its our 3rd monthly anniversary. I really did not realize it out of my way, though it did strike me in the last few months. Instead, I've been asking and telling myself where I am going when the calendar shows 22nd. :)
Got a lovely bracelet and a pair of earrings all the way from US from AM & DE, thro CL at work as gifts for my engagement and wedding news. JK teased me as usual that AM and I are love birds. :P The earrings are supposed to be genuine garnet and diamonds. Few of my colleagues were wowed but I was touched more than wowed.
Jan 24th, 2011 was a complete surprise to me and a very special date for the two of us. Got to see J's not-underground side and that evening makes me go weak in my knees, even now when I think of it as I type these lines. He actually made me feel really wanted and obviously extremely special and s*n*ual. I know he felt the same way as he acknowledged later that it was a very special date. :)
Got a new year gift from him - chicken soup for the Indian romantic soul. A perfect recipe to drown in the romantic feeling. :) Gifted him a bluetooth hands-free. I was surprised that he got me a gift and I surprised him in return. ;) Sweethearts for sure and I hope we remain so always. He visited my place to say hi to me & my folks and also wish for New Year. I obviously tried to fit into his dream-wife role and scored brownies but it is such a tough task, I swear. :)
The boy has a knack of twisting everything wherein he still can get me into splits of laughter or annoy me the most. Gift of gab and a twisted logical mind are the reasons for his behavior. No matter what, he is very gentle behind all that sarcasm and serious nature.
I have an idea but not completely as to how he perceives me. That anyway does not make me stop from trying to work on my minus points to make our lives better. I love the boy. :) I hope to care for his family and fit well and viceversa when it comes to J and mine or J's folks with me.
Work is giving me nightmares. I do not know where I am headed and I completely am losing my faith in the product that I am working on. Am trying my best to kill the vagueness and get rid of my fears of swimming in the dark but I land up procrastinating. Only then will I also get the clarity on gearing up simultaneously for the next big turning point in my life where I have to don so many different roles at once and face the big tide. Got to pull myself up. Also, need people in my team (project, department) to cooperate their best and same from me. All this with a good work-life balance.
Got to hear great news from a good school friend that she is married now to a good friend of hers. Her whole story makes me feel so special as she got the comfort level to share it without missing a detail, although delayed. No complaints on the delay as she has all the rights to sort out and decide when what is best. The couple look so so so cute together and I love the contentment in her voice when she speaks of him. Well-deserved turning point in her life. Hope the remaining loose ends also clear themselves for her soon.
Another school friend of mine is so happily married that I wish it lasts forever for him. Touchwood! His own words -
Mahesh: I hope you are not scared of the whole thing.
me: not a lot :)
Mahesh: good. i got the correct answer. i felt the same when i was in this situation. but believe me it will be so only for a month or two after the marriage.
me: and then wot happens? were u more scared or completely comfy? :D
Mahesh: in my case, I was quite comfortable for a couple of reasons.
the families had jelled very well and were very comfortable.
then are both of a similar nature, very frank, straight forward and quite open, helped us get to know each other very well too early
then her family was very cool and broad minded, and our frequencies were of a very close match.
Her sister's presence made a very big difference to us, she did her part in making sure we know each other very well
i can say one thing, her sister is a fantastic human being and very lucky to have such a person in my life.
ofcourse my parents and her parents were in constant touch.
All together it made the transition look very simple for both of us. In fact we felt our wedding was just a function.
This is our story in a jist.
me: :) good to hear it
i've observed this in ur family
now wen i hear it, i obviously get a better idea
shashi's sister has definitely helped u two a great deal
Mahesh: very true. a very nice family.
In my case what has happened is, when i decided on the relationship, I had a very few critical parameters for me to decide. I took the decision after expecting 20% and now I feel I have got 2000%
its a very nice feeling.
me: :) i can sense it in the confidence levels
there is a huge change in ur confidence levels before and after marriage
u seem to know ur priorities and preferences better than before in any aspect of ur life
Mahesh: hmm. Yes it has made a big change in my life. I feel it was worth all the struggle through out my childhood.
me: :) am very happy to hear that.
life has its own ways to make things seem better
Mahesh: hmm all part and parcel of life.
Am waiting to hear about such good turning point from another very good friend of mine. She is so romantic and so mature but her fury is equally strong. She deserves an end to her woes and yes, has to also accept and oblige to her own share of compromises as it is with anyone in their married life. I will anyway support her any day.
All of these things put together makes me so hopeful and increases my belief in all the romances that is written, made into movies and spoken.
As I've told many times to close pals and others, this was not planned though even JK does not agree, thanks to how I told him I got impressed with his decent and friendly nature as we got to know each other better, esp. the NY sight-seeing trip during my US visit in 2008. Whenever I used to talk about the NY trip, I somehow landed up telling about this genuinely decent guy and now JK uses that to tease me that I fell for him flat on my face since then. What would a girl do otherwise when a guy is being cordial to her and not a bit in-your-face flirtatious in a strange land? It is a different story when he says he had nothing else to do at that time and had not actually gone out of his way, just coz it was me. According to him, he has been cordial to a lot of people, esp. women. Well, if that was his nature, good for all of us and himself. :P However, he cant deny the fact that he is the one who used to ping me almost everyday and catch up, which is how we became good friends. I can twist his intentions too here. ;) But I admit that both of us really did not see where this was going and reaching here just happened as a matter-of-fact, thanks to circumstances.
This quote describes what I agree on the definition of love and hope to feel every bit of it for JK in the days coming ahead for both of us. I already am quite there (last 4 lines):
“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
He is the one who casually remarked that its our 3rd monthly anniversary. I really did not realize it out of my way, though it did strike me in the last few months. Instead, I've been asking and telling myself where I am going when the calendar shows 22nd. :)
Got a lovely bracelet and a pair of earrings all the way from US from AM & DE, thro CL at work as gifts for my engagement and wedding news. JK teased me as usual that AM and I are love birds. :P The earrings are supposed to be genuine garnet and diamonds. Few of my colleagues were wowed but I was touched more than wowed.
Jan 24th, 2011 was a complete surprise to me and a very special date for the two of us. Got to see J's not-underground side and that evening makes me go weak in my knees, even now when I think of it as I type these lines. He actually made me feel really wanted and obviously extremely special and s*n*ual. I know he felt the same way as he acknowledged later that it was a very special date. :)
Got a new year gift from him - chicken soup for the Indian romantic soul. A perfect recipe to drown in the romantic feeling. :) Gifted him a bluetooth hands-free. I was surprised that he got me a gift and I surprised him in return. ;) Sweethearts for sure and I hope we remain so always. He visited my place to say hi to me & my folks and also wish for New Year. I obviously tried to fit into his dream-wife role and scored brownies but it is such a tough task, I swear. :)
The boy has a knack of twisting everything wherein he still can get me into splits of laughter or annoy me the most. Gift of gab and a twisted logical mind are the reasons for his behavior. No matter what, he is very gentle behind all that sarcasm and serious nature.
I have an idea but not completely as to how he perceives me. That anyway does not make me stop from trying to work on my minus points to make our lives better. I love the boy. :) I hope to care for his family and fit well and viceversa when it comes to J and mine or J's folks with me.
Work is giving me nightmares. I do not know where I am headed and I completely am losing my faith in the product that I am working on. Am trying my best to kill the vagueness and get rid of my fears of swimming in the dark but I land up procrastinating. Only then will I also get the clarity on gearing up simultaneously for the next big turning point in my life where I have to don so many different roles at once and face the big tide. Got to pull myself up. Also, need people in my team (project, department) to cooperate their best and same from me. All this with a good work-life balance.
Got to hear great news from a good school friend that she is married now to a good friend of hers. Her whole story makes me feel so special as she got the comfort level to share it without missing a detail, although delayed. No complaints on the delay as she has all the rights to sort out and decide when what is best. The couple look so so so cute together and I love the contentment in her voice when she speaks of him. Well-deserved turning point in her life. Hope the remaining loose ends also clear themselves for her soon.
Another school friend of mine is so happily married that I wish it lasts forever for him. Touchwood! His own words -
Mahesh: I hope you are not scared of the whole thing.
me: not a lot :)
Mahesh: good. i got the correct answer. i felt the same when i was in this situation. but believe me it will be so only for a month or two after the marriage.
me: and then wot happens? were u more scared or completely comfy? :D
Mahesh: in my case, I was quite comfortable for a couple of reasons.
the families had jelled very well and were very comfortable.
then are both of a similar nature, very frank, straight forward and quite open, helped us get to know each other very well too early
then her family was very cool and broad minded, and our frequencies were of a very close match.
Her sister's presence made a very big difference to us, she did her part in making sure we know each other very well
i can say one thing, her sister is a fantastic human being and very lucky to have such a person in my life.
ofcourse my parents and her parents were in constant touch.
All together it made the transition look very simple for both of us. In fact we felt our wedding was just a function.
This is our story in a jist.
me: :) good to hear it
i've observed this in ur family
now wen i hear it, i obviously get a better idea
shashi's sister has definitely helped u two a great deal
Mahesh: very true. a very nice family.
In my case what has happened is, when i decided on the relationship, I had a very few critical parameters for me to decide. I took the decision after expecting 20% and now I feel I have got 2000%
its a very nice feeling.
me: :) i can sense it in the confidence levels
there is a huge change in ur confidence levels before and after marriage
u seem to know ur priorities and preferences better than before in any aspect of ur life
Mahesh: hmm. Yes it has made a big change in my life. I feel it was worth all the struggle through out my childhood.
me: :) am very happy to hear that.
life has its own ways to make things seem better
Mahesh: hmm all part and parcel of life.
Am waiting to hear about such good turning point from another very good friend of mine. She is so romantic and so mature but her fury is equally strong. She deserves an end to her woes and yes, has to also accept and oblige to her own share of compromises as it is with anyone in their married life. I will anyway support her any day.
All of these things put together makes me so hopeful and increases my belief in all the romances that is written, made into movies and spoken.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Bittersweetness there... But now awaiting turning point with Bambi eyes ;)
Some things can still remain somewhere inside your mind and awaken afresh even when after one realizes that the whole thing has run its course. Thing had its own flavor of free spirits combined with brashness which is why it ran its course. Few gentle bits remained so far - sweeps me off and then brings me down to reality, leaving me yet again with a bittersweet after-taste.
Been to one of my friend's sister's wedding and I still seem to love attending weddings and get emotional watching the thali tying ceremony.
Time is flying and I see its imprints on myself and some events seem so long ago. Is that hinting that I am growing old? Please, my life is just about to have one of its major turning points and I am eagerly looking forward to it with hope and all good things possible. I want to feel younger, dreamier and vibrant than any other time in life till now, inspite of the realization dawning that there are so many responsibilities it bring along. :)
Been to one of my friend's sister's wedding and I still seem to love attending weddings and get emotional watching the thali tying ceremony.
Time is flying and I see its imprints on myself and some events seem so long ago. Is that hinting that I am growing old? Please, my life is just about to have one of its major turning points and I am eagerly looking forward to it with hope and all good things possible. I want to feel younger, dreamier and vibrant than any other time in life till now, inspite of the realization dawning that there are so many responsibilities it bring along. :)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Life's priorities to get sorted out VERY SOON
I just want my life's priorities to get sorted out VERY SOON in the most amicable and extremely satisfying way.
Am done with gossiping and want to stay mum such that I get to drop some wise-ass polite remarks once in a while. However, I am keen to know the pulse and the buzz such that it has some good worth. Friendship and trust can so easily get weakened in a corporate environment. I hope I am surrounded with very good friends and trust-worthy people. I hope to give back the same. Gaining knowledge, enjoying work, acheiving success, very satisfying work-life balance with great perks, having a good mentor and getting to be a good mentor are also things that I really look forward and hope to experience for a very very long term.
My love-life keeps having its minor -ve peaks and lows. I am so surprised that it takes away all my attention and I show that frustration on everyone and everything. Silly me but it also means I am getting deeper into it. Hope that gets sorted out very soon too. I would want to be an understanding partner with the right sense of raising an alarm bell when things seem to go out of hand. I hope JK shall be equally the same kind.
Married life is about to begin. All I want is to have the right sense and skills to carry it off well with peace within and outside eternally and strength to face come what may. Kids - I shall get to that when the time seems right.
:)
Am done with gossiping and want to stay mum such that I get to drop some wise-ass polite remarks once in a while. However, I am keen to know the pulse and the buzz such that it has some good worth. Friendship and trust can so easily get weakened in a corporate environment. I hope I am surrounded with very good friends and trust-worthy people. I hope to give back the same. Gaining knowledge, enjoying work, acheiving success, very satisfying work-life balance with great perks, having a good mentor and getting to be a good mentor are also things that I really look forward and hope to experience for a very very long term.
My love-life keeps having its minor -ve peaks and lows. I am so surprised that it takes away all my attention and I show that frustration on everyone and everything. Silly me but it also means I am getting deeper into it. Hope that gets sorted out very soon too. I would want to be an understanding partner with the right sense of raising an alarm bell when things seem to go out of hand. I hope JK shall be equally the same kind.
Married life is about to begin. All I want is to have the right sense and skills to carry it off well with peace within and outside eternally and strength to face come what may. Kids - I shall get to that when the time seems right.
:)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Heights of dilemma!
Sigh!
To do or not to do is the biggest concern and dilemma in my life now.
Citrix, a company with quite good reputation took its own sweet time to offer me a job with a desired pay package at a lower designation level and have remained quite reserved about their work culture. During the interview time, I was very casual and laid-back as I was more keen in knowing the market expectations and my worth. My profile's worth was average but my company's profile was more of a convincing factor for Citrix to offer the job. However, they have been sometimes so employee-friendly in the interview rounds and sometimes so off-track. I really am tempted to join Citrix as it offers good pay, transportation + food free of cost, new domain experience etc. With my growing attraction towards JK, I find myself becoming clingy. Out of sight, out of mind might strengthen the relationship better and make me stronger and give him his space. Also, the hike in the pay would help me a lot to save up and pay off loans or splurge post-marriage. However, if the work culture is not like NetApp and ends up giving me shit loads of work to be completed without offering flexibility, then I do not want to land up with regrets and bitterness about changes that life is offering post-marriage. I tried giving my joining date expectations after a lot of rational thought. Am dying to hear something positive from them at the very earliest.
At the same time, I so badly do NOT want to quit NetApp for a lot of reasons like been here for 3+ years, known some of the people quite well along with the projects + processes, JK's presence though we hardly interact inspite of being in the same floor or same dept., gratuity amount, handle less surprises in addition to the biggest life-changing surprise called marriage, NetApp's market worth and my hopes to have a lifetime stint here until retirement and gratitude towards NetApp for giving many of my firsts in few things in life. However, the present management changes, politics and ego clashes in the team, product feature changes are keeping things so vague and frustrating to work. Also, post-marriage fears about heavy traffic along with long distance travelling and depending on JK on commuting makes me want to choose Citrix over NetApp.
All I want is a great job with great perks, great work culture, healthy environment to work with satisfaction and achieve success (monetary, mental, social and physical), good friends and a great work-life balance. Born in a middle class family, the money is very important to manage every small and big need in every way. Also, the mind needs to remain occupied, strong and positive for establishing healthy environment at home and work-place. God, please help SOON.
To do or not to do is the biggest concern and dilemma in my life now.
Citrix, a company with quite good reputation took its own sweet time to offer me a job with a desired pay package at a lower designation level and have remained quite reserved about their work culture. During the interview time, I was very casual and laid-back as I was more keen in knowing the market expectations and my worth. My profile's worth was average but my company's profile was more of a convincing factor for Citrix to offer the job. However, they have been sometimes so employee-friendly in the interview rounds and sometimes so off-track. I really am tempted to join Citrix as it offers good pay, transportation + food free of cost, new domain experience etc. With my growing attraction towards JK, I find myself becoming clingy. Out of sight, out of mind might strengthen the relationship better and make me stronger and give him his space. Also, the hike in the pay would help me a lot to save up and pay off loans or splurge post-marriage. However, if the work culture is not like NetApp and ends up giving me shit loads of work to be completed without offering flexibility, then I do not want to land up with regrets and bitterness about changes that life is offering post-marriage. I tried giving my joining date expectations after a lot of rational thought. Am dying to hear something positive from them at the very earliest.
At the same time, I so badly do NOT want to quit NetApp for a lot of reasons like been here for 3+ years, known some of the people quite well along with the projects + processes, JK's presence though we hardly interact inspite of being in the same floor or same dept., gratuity amount, handle less surprises in addition to the biggest life-changing surprise called marriage, NetApp's market worth and my hopes to have a lifetime stint here until retirement and gratitude towards NetApp for giving many of my firsts in few things in life. However, the present management changes, politics and ego clashes in the team, product feature changes are keeping things so vague and frustrating to work. Also, post-marriage fears about heavy traffic along with long distance travelling and depending on JK on commuting makes me want to choose Citrix over NetApp.
All I want is a great job with great perks, great work culture, healthy environment to work with satisfaction and achieve success (monetary, mental, social and physical), good friends and a great work-life balance. Born in a middle class family, the money is very important to manage every small and big need in every way. Also, the mind needs to remain occupied, strong and positive for establishing healthy environment at home and work-place. God, please help SOON.
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