Yearning is like a deep sigh
which becomes a deep song
that is sung by a deep voice
that dies its natural death,
thanks to time and fate.
Life makes anyone want things.
If not for that,
yearning would never be sung.
To not want things,
Yet to know if its worth it.
As of now, I want it
and so I yearn
and so I live.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Another one of those weird conversations happens to me today after six or seven long years. A friend of mine from my previous work-place happens to call me all of a sudden after a very long time. The conversation begins with the usual catching up on what has been happening in each other's lives. This friend had hinted his budding interest in me some years ago and I decided to nip it in the bud with discreet hints and we moved away from that subject after that forever. However, today's phone call seemed to be turning into that subject - He tells me that he had always been harbouring the urge to call me on the day when he had proved enough to me that he was serious in life and would make it big and today was it. Whoa! I could not even remotely sense that topic coming up. He had remarked at how confident and cool, yet polite I sounded in our conversation which was very different from my polite and demure self of those years. He mentioned that he had signed off a deal with my company and would be getting into some business contract. My intention was only to congratulate him and make it a catching up session whenever he would visit my office. But lo, this was so different than my wildest imaginations! :)
When the proving dialogue came up in the conversation, his cousin takes the phone from him and interjects into the call to confess that he was standing in the middle of a room with all these cousins around wherein he had told them to join him in the room to hear him talk to me. Little did I realise what was happening so far but I could sense what would come up. His cousin went on to say that my friend had always been mentioning about his impending day to call me and show how he had acheived something in life. Like I was someone very important to him and who mattered a lot to him but had not believed in him or his ideals. His cousins thought that this guy was a weirdo and I was a mere figment of his imagination. Even worse, the weirdo had made them leave all their important appointments aside and join him today. After a while, when I had overcome the reeling diversion, I interrupted the cousin and asked if the friend was high. I was right and then asked him to hand over the phone to my friend. I curtly responded saying that I was not understanding what was happening and he could call me back if he wanted to speak but only whenever he had sorted out this incident and was ready to catch up other than this subject. My friend meekly responded saying he would call back but I knew he might never be able to do that. It does not matter anymore unless he gets over his past-filled thoughts.
I liked the way I ended the conversation but I was disturbed that the past could come back and haunt, especially with such immaturity. I narrated this incident to to-be-Leopold and he guffawed so hard at my over-emotional friends and fan club. :D Felt good to see someone so grounded and neutral. :) That is what I love about him and sometimes it makes me want to wrench his neck when he tries to burst the bubble during our good times or his things-to-do.
Prithee, past better remain ONLY past. Present leads to the future and I seem to know where I want to go. God help me with good thoughts, good luck and positive strength to take life as it comes and also make it how I would like it to be.
When the proving dialogue came up in the conversation, his cousin takes the phone from him and interjects into the call to confess that he was standing in the middle of a room with all these cousins around wherein he had told them to join him in the room to hear him talk to me. Little did I realise what was happening so far but I could sense what would come up. His cousin went on to say that my friend had always been mentioning about his impending day to call me and show how he had acheived something in life. Like I was someone very important to him and who mattered a lot to him but had not believed in him or his ideals. His cousins thought that this guy was a weirdo and I was a mere figment of his imagination. Even worse, the weirdo had made them leave all their important appointments aside and join him today. After a while, when I had overcome the reeling diversion, I interrupted the cousin and asked if the friend was high. I was right and then asked him to hand over the phone to my friend. I curtly responded saying that I was not understanding what was happening and he could call me back if he wanted to speak but only whenever he had sorted out this incident and was ready to catch up other than this subject. My friend meekly responded saying he would call back but I knew he might never be able to do that. It does not matter anymore unless he gets over his past-filled thoughts.
I liked the way I ended the conversation but I was disturbed that the past could come back and haunt, especially with such immaturity. I narrated this incident to to-be-Leopold and he guffawed so hard at my over-emotional friends and fan club. :D Felt good to see someone so grounded and neutral. :) That is what I love about him and sometimes it makes me want to wrench his neck when he tries to burst the bubble during our good times or his things-to-do.
Prithee, past better remain ONLY past. Present leads to the future and I seem to know where I want to go. God help me with good thoughts, good luck and positive strength to take life as it comes and also make it how I would like it to be.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Companionship
Liked this image which I got from a random Google search for the word which is the title and subject of this blog post.
As in my previous post, to-be-Leopold and I are getting to know each other better with almost every passing day. Work and other chores take up most of our time and geographical distance/time difference makes it difficult for us to concentrate on our relationship during his 6-week firang trip. However, he and I are almost at our sweet-nothings phase and sometimes it seems as if it is definitely filled with meaningful conversations. These conversations obviously allows us to peek into our minds and also gets us closer. I also found the will power to confide one of my deepest disappointment and was almost ready to brace whatever came my way. It was very close to my heart and esteem. He handled it so well that I wish I could have crossed all the geographical distance/time difference barriers and expressed my feelings in action than just words.
Looking back at how we managed our conversations showed how much one can accommodate for another person, if it were something meaningful and special. I, for one, am a very lazy morning person but would make time to complete chores to get ready to work quickly and attend his calls, so that we speak in leisure. He, on his turn, would call up twice a day without fail and somewhere somehow ensure that his activities are not disturbed and also that we spend time talking in leisure, though it pinches his pocket more than mine. Pray the corporate jungle does a favor to his pocket and expenses it completely on his return without a fuss.
During our conversations over these two weeks, I realized I had bugged him over a petty nagging issue at work and poor sweetheart of mine was all ears initially but it tested his patience too in the end. I did not realize this, dumb me. Am now making a conscious effort to digress from such topics because I miss him a lot and do not want to spend time overdoing in sharing something trivial and totally unrelated. I have started every teensy-weensy bit of my daily life to him. He is still quite collected but shedding his reserved side gradually. I appreciate his patience and his non-judgmental nature. Turning out to be a level-headed, sometimes over-realist with whom the relationship does not feel like the usual coy-lusty couple category but also good companionship with a quite good give-take balance.
Though he says that the marriage is a boring long-journey one-way ticket, we keep trying to agree to disagree because I am aware of that side and also believe in the companionship factor. We are from different cultures and friction is bound to happen, especially with his over-responsible nature compared to my laid-back side. Hoping to work on the relationship well in the long-term without life-disturbing chaos. His restrained nature makes me shake him up to open up but I notice that he has started warming up gradually now. Quite an extreme side of empathy exists that might not always be fair for himself but the way he melts, I'd say he deserves a hug and more. I remember confiding to a close friend that he influences me by making me more tolerant and sometimes optimistic with a check at the back of my mind. :) I might develop a better sense of empathy, thanks to him. However, I hope he pushes himself at a quicker pace with time because he really is good at whatever he likes to do but remains in the spot due to some unreasonable hesitation.
I would recommend such relationships to anybody and everybody as long as it is helping the people involved grow into better personalities in all spheres of life and still remain deep-rooted to each other.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Intense feelings and fuzzy brain-alarms
Last week went in a dizzy with my cyst causing me fever and pain, almost a severe illness. I had the strength to keep my wits intact on Monday to seek medical leave and go back home for a whole week to recover and bear the pain. The doc visits grew more frequent and so did my prayers to recover. It was a horrible phase with sleepless nights and slurry days. Thank God, am much better now.
Meanwhile, the only few things that kept me going were hope, my family, esp. my sis and a gradual-growing intensity towards to-be-Leopold. He was quite at his charming and caring best and we only grew closer over the random phone calls from me to him and viceversa that whole week. It was as if only he would understand me in the whole wide world. Felt strangely funny and good. I had messaged him at 2 am one painful night, least expecting a reply at that odd wee hour. However, he gave me a sweet surprise by sending a reply at 3:48 am which I saw much later. My sis was consoling my tears coming out of sheer pain, but I was inconsolable. His reply made me feel so much better though I saw it later first thing when I woke up in the morning. Such strong positive vibes between us - Thank God always for that.
I recuperated that week somehow and got back to work this week and his first response was that he had missed me genuinely and was glad to see me. :) I somehow did feel the same but it did not sink in that much until last night. The dinner deal was worked out after bracing increased workload and it turned out to be one real romantic outing. He had endearingly said that he would take me out for dinner to a place that appealed to me and he knew he might not really enjoy it gastronomically. He almost despises Italian cuisine for its bland nature and I seem to love it for its share of cheese and smoothness. He almost ran away from one of my favorite Italian haunts - a refined place during one of our previous dining ventures. I found it hilarious and disappointing at the same time but it was endearing in a way to compromise for him the previous time. I decided to strike gold when it was my turn to see him willingly compromise out of sheer sympathy and affection for me. I reckon he liked the ambiance and food was not the priority this time. I did coax him and drag him to the same restaurant and was successful this time. All the attention put me in ninth cloud with the constant jibe that things might get more serious. We are working out the long term deal and in the midst, we find ourselves in intense feelings and fuzzy brain-alarms. There was a restrained yet better expression in the physical proximity. Gosh, I've never ever felt such delicious shivers when I gaze into his intoxicated eyes. The eyes spoke volumes though he was as diplomatic as ever. I obviously chose to replay the same. Sigh, I was scared to push it more or even encourage the same. The fear somehow does seem justified but it sometimes pushes me to bitter-sweet situations.
I pray for strength and grand, great and simple pleasures and peaceful contentment ahead for a lifetime for us in all spheres of life.
Meanwhile, the only few things that kept me going were hope, my family, esp. my sis and a gradual-growing intensity towards to-be-Leopold. He was quite at his charming and caring best and we only grew closer over the random phone calls from me to him and viceversa that whole week. It was as if only he would understand me in the whole wide world. Felt strangely funny and good. I had messaged him at 2 am one painful night, least expecting a reply at that odd wee hour. However, he gave me a sweet surprise by sending a reply at 3:48 am which I saw much later. My sis was consoling my tears coming out of sheer pain, but I was inconsolable. His reply made me feel so much better though I saw it later first thing when I woke up in the morning. Such strong positive vibes between us - Thank God always for that.
I recuperated that week somehow and got back to work this week and his first response was that he had missed me genuinely and was glad to see me. :) I somehow did feel the same but it did not sink in that much until last night. The dinner deal was worked out after bracing increased workload and it turned out to be one real romantic outing. He had endearingly said that he would take me out for dinner to a place that appealed to me and he knew he might not really enjoy it gastronomically. He almost despises Italian cuisine for its bland nature and I seem to love it for its share of cheese and smoothness. He almost ran away from one of my favorite Italian haunts - a refined place during one of our previous dining ventures. I found it hilarious and disappointing at the same time but it was endearing in a way to compromise for him the previous time. I decided to strike gold when it was my turn to see him willingly compromise out of sheer sympathy and affection for me. I reckon he liked the ambiance and food was not the priority this time. I did coax him and drag him to the same restaurant and was successful this time. All the attention put me in ninth cloud with the constant jibe that things might get more serious. We are working out the long term deal and in the midst, we find ourselves in intense feelings and fuzzy brain-alarms. There was a restrained yet better expression in the physical proximity. Gosh, I've never ever felt such delicious shivers when I gaze into his intoxicated eyes. The eyes spoke volumes though he was as diplomatic as ever. I obviously chose to replay the same. Sigh, I was scared to push it more or even encourage the same. The fear somehow does seem justified but it sometimes pushes me to bitter-sweet situations.
I pray for strength and grand, great and simple pleasures and peaceful contentment ahead for a lifetime for us in all spheres of life.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The other side of Easter...
One part of me was bleeding its death and the other part was awakening to a fresh move.
Watched a play with a companion and this date was something that I had contemplated for a long while now. It almost seemed as if it would not happen and then, bang on, it happened just like that... It felt as if someone was teasing me as to how could I jump to such conclusions. :)
The play was my second time and it felt better the second time but definitely not fresh. I got carried away the first time coz of a hunk and this time, the play tugged at my heart with better performances from the actor whom I had sidelined the first time. The play was at a famous theater near a location that was close to my heart for another reason. The location was a nice little coy lake where I had met my long lost friend after a decade. The meeting was a short and sweet one and a breather during my broiling hell time 4 years ago. I had met my schoolmate after a very long time and the whole memory of us catching up and hunting for a place to eat and then me returning home late since we had just not got enough of the time - all this was very fresh in my head.
To be able to go there again was a long time thought and it just happened without any planning after so many years. One part of my head was reliving the 4 year ago incident and another bit of me was sinking in the reality - The company was definitely getting mesmerized with me and I enjoyed the whole date oh so much. It ended in a one of the very interesting conversations I've had - "a lot can happen over coffee" explains it all, locale and context. Hmmm.... :)
P.S. A compliment that got me all conscious but yes, damn good.... "You look fair even in the dark" - ahem, it was meant on face-value and I guess it came out of the lighting effect in the theater and the mesmerizing feel. :D I was caught unaware for sure. :)
Watched a play with a companion and this date was something that I had contemplated for a long while now. It almost seemed as if it would not happen and then, bang on, it happened just like that... It felt as if someone was teasing me as to how could I jump to such conclusions. :)
The play was my second time and it felt better the second time but definitely not fresh. I got carried away the first time coz of a hunk and this time, the play tugged at my heart with better performances from the actor whom I had sidelined the first time. The play was at a famous theater near a location that was close to my heart for another reason. The location was a nice little coy lake where I had met my long lost friend after a decade. The meeting was a short and sweet one and a breather during my broiling hell time 4 years ago. I had met my schoolmate after a very long time and the whole memory of us catching up and hunting for a place to eat and then me returning home late since we had just not got enough of the time - all this was very fresh in my head.
To be able to go there again was a long time thought and it just happened without any planning after so many years. One part of my head was reliving the 4 year ago incident and another bit of me was sinking in the reality - The company was definitely getting mesmerized with me and I enjoyed the whole date oh so much. It ended in a one of the very interesting conversations I've had - "a lot can happen over coffee" explains it all, locale and context. Hmmm.... :)
P.S. A compliment that got me all conscious but yes, damn good.... "You look fair even in the dark" - ahem, it was meant on face-value and I guess it came out of the lighting effect in the theater and the mesmerizing feel. :D I was caught unaware for sure. :)
Migration....
I was reading about online migration from one of my new things at work. Made me think of how convenient it would be if it was possible for minds and not only storage systems.
Online migration means transferring your data from an old storage system to a new one if the old one stops serving its purpose due to overload or performance issues. Making that an analogy to the emotional context, I swear it is just not possible without killing your conscience.
My life now seems to be a little more spacious but then I sometimes land up thinking if the space is all worth the pain in the head. But the 6 year history was quirky in its own way with two years getting stepped down with another parallel circle. It remain history is its best worth forever - my prayer forever. Parallelism can exist in its own balanced comfortable distance without stepping on my toes or disappearing.
Work is vague and hectic in its way. I only want it to get clearer and lighter. I hope it does not numb me coz I am benumbed already anyway. I always believe there has to be a balance in life at work and personal front. I plead to the strength above to get me thro this phase and make work a smooth sweet ride forever...
Online migration means transferring your data from an old storage system to a new one if the old one stops serving its purpose due to overload or performance issues. Making that an analogy to the emotional context, I swear it is just not possible without killing your conscience.
My life now seems to be a little more spacious but then I sometimes land up thinking if the space is all worth the pain in the head. But the 6 year history was quirky in its own way with two years getting stepped down with another parallel circle. It remain history is its best worth forever - my prayer forever. Parallelism can exist in its own balanced comfortable distance without stepping on my toes or disappearing.
Work is vague and hectic in its way. I only want it to get clearer and lighter. I hope it does not numb me coz I am benumbed already anyway. I always believe there has to be a balance in life at work and personal front. I plead to the strength above to get me thro this phase and make work a smooth sweet ride forever...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Worst Easter gift....
The worst Easter gift I could give someone.... Sorry about it...
Read this somewhere - The flame of love is now just a cold loneliness. ~Uniek Swain
Read this somewhere - The flame of love is now just a cold loneliness. ~Uniek Swain
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