A friend's birthday and my oldest periappa's death day - Life is a vicious cycle

As the title says, I really do not know where I am headed in the vicious cycle called LIFE. Kothandaraman periappa is no more. Got to know about his hospital admission around the time of New Years Eve itself. I somehow hoped he would get through this time, for various reasons like mom and dad's health state, my keen interest in visiting him once at least with my husband and kid - he never got to meet her, and also that I would have liked to spend new year day with parents, if they did not have to travel to Villupuram to pay their last respects for his death. He managed to stay alive with the help of ventilator till Jan 6th, 2015. I got to know about his last few hours from mom. But only after sending a message to Sham for asking her to stay over at Vijaya Nagar, did I get know that he had passed away. Parents sometimes do not share any news with me on time. May periappa's soul rest in peace. I tried hinting Jitendra that I would like to visit Villupuram to pay my last respects during the 10-13 days grievance ceremony. Not once did he say - Sure, let's go. He tried to ask me to join parents when they informed me about their plans to hire a car and drive down on Jan 6th, 2015. Well, to hell with Jitendra's interest right now, I put a halt of my visit plan for the sake of my young daughter and new job.

I am hurt inside that Jitendra hardly tries to bond with my family or extended relatives by learning Tamil. Bring it up and he just does not want to accept. "Give me time. First, you show your interest." Its going to be 4 years of marriage and I do not know when we will hit middle ground. For him, my sense of cleanliness and responsibility sharing should increase, to be interested in learning my language or bond with my family or extended relatives. Well, I know how much I have shopped and piled up so many items like jewellery and clothes and what not. It is going to take me equal number of years for using up all the items and ensure ROI. The shopping extravaganza can be blamed on feeling out of place and wanting to do something to keep me happy. Retail therapy is the word for it, I recall now. However, it has shrunk my savings, taken up all the space in the wardrobe and added a load of strain and guilt to my marriage, my mind and space at home. However, I have finally come to a state of calling truce with myself and Jitendra. He can take his time to meet my expectations of learning Tamil and taking initiative of bonding with my family or extended relatives. Meanwhile, I will tighten my wallet, save money to clear off debts, invest in existing policies and save exclusively for my rainy day. Also, I intend to use every single item I have purchased and use it, no matter what. If I do not get to use it and it serves nobody a purpose except for occupying space, I will discard it. This is my resolution for the years to come until I am done with whatever I have purchased so far, saved well and followed these rules well. Along all this, I realize my daughter will grow up, my career will need to get better than where I am right now, my family will move ahead in its pace and I will move along as close as possible. My marriage - it requires two hands. Only me trying to learn his language, his culture, his roots, his folks, his lifestyle is never going to be sufficient. I sincerely hope God will give us a great married life ahead with truly wonderful compatibility, maturity, understanding, contentment and love. We also need to evolve as good parents for the little one we brought into this world. God, please help us to do our roles well. Please bless us and Samyuktha to be good to each other. I sincerely hope Samyuktha grows up to be a sensible, sharp, down-to-earth, secure child and human being. I pray she gets independence over her pacifier and gets toilet-trained well very soon.

I sincerely hope I will be able to work smart, earn well, make good friends, impress the management, learn good things at work in terms of technology and working in my new job. I also sincerely hope that I will be able to keep in touch with my extended relatives really closely, like never before. The efforts for all this should be so well-designed that my parenting / wife / daughter / daughter-in-law / sister / sister-in-law / friend roles also improve with time and I am blessed with peace and contentment in me and around me. Please keep me, Jitendra, Samyuktha and my family healthy, peaceful, safe and secure always.

To commemorate my periappa's death and pay my last respects in spirit, I chose to wear black today. I hope I get to meet periamma and ashok anna and balaji sometime soon and spend time bonding with my daughter and husband and parents in tow.

On this same day, I called Vimika to wish her on her birthday. She had done so for my birthday last year and I did not get to really return then. Hope she has a wonderful year ahead and hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch. I also hope Sunitha has a smooth, healthy pregnancy and second motherhood. God, please ensure that all her current worries get resolved soon and well - husband's job here or in Dubai, son's schooling, pregnancy pain as the baby grows, health, her job, her future whether in Dubai or here, finances, marriage and parenting. I hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch. I also pray for Sumathi to get married soon to a nice guy with all her parents and family blessings and a happy married life for her. I hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch.

May periappa's soul rest in peace. He has been a nice man to me and left me with fond memories. This blog post is dedicated to him, the last one gone from my grandparents' generation.

Amen.

Inshallah for the prayers I have. Thank you for everything so far.

Any idiot can face a crisis. Its the day to day life that wears you out. - Anton Chekov - I so know what it means now.

Sam has gotten all cranky nowadays. Right from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to sleep, I am finding it difficult to be with her. Every single task is a challenge and that gets into further complications with my temper, peace of mind, lack of company and health overall. These things also affect my relationships at his place. However, what does it matter? I am more like a robot there, just waiting to get my chores done and off to the bed room. Talking in tamil with my own child is a sinner here. And I am expected to follow every single rule. When newly married, I was ok with sacrificing TV and not reading books. It was expected that I work and do all the chores that I could when I was at home. It actually kept me occupied and then I would go off to read books etc. After Sam's arrival, my whole clock goes bizarre and I can never do a thing as planned. I just keep rushing from pillar to post. And for this new job, it has made my life all the more chaotic. I just hope Sam really behaves herself and eats well with me and whoever decides to feed her. And I hope I really learn to be a smart worker than a hard worker. Her tantrums today got me so furious, what with the mil saying she must go to school with just biscuits as her breakfast. Nonsense it is - what will the child do for 3 hours without a decent breakfast. She was having her porridge diligently until yesterday. That saves a lot of time and I could manage to get her ready and drop. But no, madam has started throwing tantrums and mil wants to play along. What not she went on about some relative kids not eating and managing to grow up. I would like to take all that shit only from one ear. I have no interest in agreeing or disagreeing. All that kind of conversation is just bull crap with an oldie like her. She thinks she knows best. The maid was torn between her and me, but I decided to hang on as it was about my daughter's health. I had to threaten the child and be harsh but then it worked today. However, it spoilt  my mood alright. And then I try to vent out to my husband and he cannot take a single word against his mother, whom I really wish d**d. We have been having tiffs and he then tries to reason. I see no point in always expecting to have a conversation with him. If there is some time, it is just in chores almost every single day. I have given up my expectations and even stopped trying to do what his parents want. I realized it is of no use giving. In this kind of a set-up, you do not get anything. I plan to live in such a stifling world only for the sake of my daughter. I hope time will help in improving my patience levels and independence in all ways. I just want a smooth life ahead which is debt-free and peaceful. My kid should listen to me at all times and help me keep in touch with my roots. As for my career, I hope I have reached the right place. God, please give me a lot of strength to help bring up my kid and myself and handle any joy/sorrow equally. Please make me a pillar of strength for myself. I am happy with one kid - please bless my kid, me, my husband, his parents, my parents and sister, maids with good health and good mind-set in all times. Please bless me with a low-pressure job and a decent team and manager and projects. God, please save me and help me. Thanks for everything so far.

Chennai trip - Independence day weekend - 2014

Here we plan a trip to complete a long pending request from his sister. And I want to visit few of my relatives before time just runs off longer than I thought.

He books the tickets without consulting me, even the time. A whole day is dedicated to just travel and return. He conveniently has some restricted leave option. With a kid, I do not want to complain about losing a leave. However, it cant always be followed in the future.

I rush to parlour to look decent the day prior to our travel. Then come to office, go home and complete packing till midnight. Then we wake up bleary eyed to catch the Shatabdi. Thankfully, my lil sweetheart cooperated the whole time in the trip, except for few tantrums due to her disturbed routine. The whole place where we sat was just kids. How did IRCTC know and put all of us together?

We meet my relatives - short one at Ponnusami mama and then Raghu, visit a famous temple - Vadapalani temple, go to Saravana Bhavan for a light dinner. Am glad Ponnusami mama dropped us to Raghu's place. Raghu's family got to pull us for the temple and dinner visit. I had even spent a considerable amount of time and money for his son. Hope the kid and parents like the clothes.

Then comes the honorable duty to behave myself in all ways at his sister's place. They planned a quick Pondi trip for whatever reasons. The kids enjoyed the most, I guess. J could not explore as much as he wanted to. Kids and family take away most of the time with the preparation chores. But what a hotel was booked. Good one for such a short visit. It was good to see the seashore, though I would have enjoyed it more with just him and me and lil kid. Hope it happens sometime soon. Then decent lunch and dinners etc. The whole ride from Chennai to Pondi was a kannada killer for me, right from songs to conversation topics and language. The kids sure made it a tad peaceful with their sleep. I actually slept too when I found the whole presence of mine like a wall. I hate it when my husband decides to pay more attention to the outsiders than us. And we are expected to behave our best too. Sigh! I still managed to shop for saris, blouse bits for mom and sis' material request. The bill surprised me but then I shop like that when I get into a mood. Thankfully, J was my alarm and the place did not have so much of variety. I also got to visit Grand sweets and purchase a few of my favorite stuff. I need to give mom her stuff too. She sounded more excited than me. Good to see her getting back to normal. Hope her health and dad's health is good in all ways. She had quite a list for me to shop and that was how I actually went shopping at Nalli and Grand sweets in the short amount of time that we had.

Return journey was also peaceful. Sam was upset that we got back to our place. She loves her aunt after all. :) I somehow got to console her successfully with her bruise story at Pondi. The kid seems to be healthy. J got cold. I got the monthly stuff. Hope the med will be safe on me without side-effects.

Trips do not feel as complete and fulfilling as they used to be. Its all still new with husband, kid and not feeling completely normal even at my folks' place. Hope things get better in future in all ways. No complaints this time except a prayer to increase my patience when I feel like an outsider with his folks and I get to divert my mind and do something more worthwhile and satisfying than be a wall. I so wanted to mock them, thrash them or just get out of the car at times. And I wonder if the feedback has been positive so far. It does not matter much but I know it can have major consequences.

Loved Chennai infrastructure so much. Weather is a killer. 

Life goes on. I just hope I can stay in touch with my roots always.

I asked for a divorce.

I am having issues with this guy since quite some time. He thinks I must work for this house. And he will still talk only to his parents and bond only with his folks. His daughter adores him and I feel bad that its just her that is right now keeping us together.

I try to step out of my ego and approach him. And all he has to make me feel is turned down. And for all that muck, he tells me its because I am not working in this house. What am I here for? Just work and slave my butt off?

If not else, he is happy to serve his parents. I have mine too.

My only worry is that if we do separate, my kid will be affected the most. She adores him a lot. Me, I am just crumbling from inside as I am losing my identity and am not able to come to terms with the changes where my freedom is being taken away.

Will we stay together or not is a question God will answer.

What happens in this house - I just do not know. I just come to know from some events that follow next few hours or days. My language and my space is gone. And the crowd will not accept me into their side as well without jibing me.

But I swear, I have never felt so out of place in a place where I live and am supposed to call it my own house.

God save us.

A long letter to God

Dear God,

Hello. Hope you are doing good. Please tell me what is happening with me and around me. Please explain few developments in my life and how it will pan out. The suspense intrigues me with every passing hour and I am getting restless and having sleepless nights.

After my daughter was born, I start my day looking at her and praying for her. I got all my time to spend with her and sometime it seemed too much. I would also get my break to do my bit of keeping myself sane. It was all smooth until I extended my stay at my parents' place and joined Citrix. I so hate that decision of mine because it showed me where I stand in the world outside NetApp. I yearn for a workplace like NetApp. I so badly regret taking things for granted there and getting a shitty rating and having issues with that damned ass-hole manager. I wish so badly that I had understood what he wanted in the initial days itself and worked accordingly to save my job and at the best, move to a different team for better career prospects and better work-life balance. However, I am glad that I met my husband there and had my baby and got all the support I could get during my marriage and pregnancy. I regret having taken some bad decisions and losing good chances of making very good friends and working in a positive atmosphere. Citrix seemed a world of opportunities and exactly on my birthday last year, I got a mini heart attack. The memory of that day still haunts me and leaves me restless and ashamed. The team seemed horrible but I was given a nice exit, much better than NetApp. However, if I had not joined Citrix, it seems as if my husband would still have had his decent job at NetApp. Is all the past and present leading us to a better future? Please answer my question very very soon.

However, Citrix did help me settle down at my husband's place and help my daughter cope up with the changes. We found a good nanny and I also got to explore Chandra layout and it seems my favourite solitary haunt whenever I need to do my bit of things. However, life only got all the more mundane with chores to be done and habits/decorum to be maintained. My day starts with looking at my daughter's face - I am so thankful to God for that. And after that, it is just a frenzy of running around for chores and rushing to work. The current workplace has been a great boon so far and I yearn and hope that it remains my boon for a very long time to come. And when I say very long time, I mean until my daughter turns 6 and gets into 1st standard with regular timings and is comfortable with her routine in her new school. Meanwhile, Jitendra and I are hoping that she will like her playschool Sankalpa a lot and get into Vani school in Basaveshwara Nagar as it is supposed to be a very good school.

I can see my train of thoughts running in various directions and I can see my hopes getting desperate as everything seems so uncertain and vague.

So I start with my job again. I am a technical writer at this current workplace. However, the work is very different from what I did in NetApp. In NetApp, even without me realizing, I had learnt so many good things and picked up well. Then, I really do not know when complacency set in and I just lost my mind. However, I am glad I got to meet my life partner there, thanks to the series of events that led him there and how it has been great so far. I had a meeting last week with my US manager who seemed desperate to tell me to come to work for 9 whole hours and lot of micro-management about who will be the local manager. Please, God, please let her cool it off. Let the organization make Jayendra as my local boss. He seems to be a very decent and level-headed person. Let the organization (everybody in the organization, right from HR, US management, Indian management, Finance, Admin, other departments, peers, friends) always give me my space of working from 11 am to 5 or 5:30 pm IST with ample lunch break on all week days. Let the work load always be so light that I do not have to carry it home at all and finish it in my own timeline efficiently. Let the local boss and US manager not interfere in any of my activities and give me my space and time as much as I want. Let the OMNIA 360 project work go slow and smooth around me in the company as well; however, the company should always run in profit and be safe and stable for a very long time. Please ensure that the organization always remains in the current location and help me maintain my routine at home and office smoothly for a very long time. Let Sapna be my co-worker in my department for a very long time and please bless us with the best relationship that we could have. Please keep us transparent and close and sincere and honest to each other. Please help our department safe and stable in the organization. Please help us keep our jobs safe and stable for a very long time. Again, when I mean long time, I truly mean for the next 5 years atleast. By then, my daughter would be 6 and it would be time to get her to her new school and get her settled there.  Please help me maintain good savings and get sufficient work from home opportunities to support my family including my husband, kid, his parents, my parents and sister. Please help me get my regular income without any pay cuts and raise my salary every year to help me meet expenses and save for a rainy day. Please help me get comfortable transport options to work every day and save money and be safe and secure and healthy always. Please help me maintain long friendships and close friends at work, such that they are of good help anytime and where I can also help them without letting my daily life affected. Please help me finish my current project work smoothly - Sales Force User Guide and Account Management User guide at my own timeline and keep my immediate and superior bosses occupied with other projects. I would like to finish these projects at my own timeline at the earliest, without compromising on my work life balance and give it to her in good quality. Please help me get good colleagues and managers in this organization always, such that I get the relevant information for Account Management and Trouble Ticket easily. Please ensure that the managers do not bring in any extra work for me or for Sapna and create any kind of politics. Please help me establish good rapport with everybody at work and be safe and secure and healthy always in all ways.

Please ensure that my husband gets a good job at the very earliest. And when I mean good job - the job must be with good pay, good boss, good projects, good peers, good work-life balance, good stability, good location - all necessarily in equal priority. Please help him get this job at the very earliest as his confidence seems to have shaken and he needs a really good moral boost. That will ensure that our married life will be sailing smooth and steady. Please help him, dear God. Please ensure that we are always in good terms and a passionate couple. Please help us clear our differences in the most amicable way. Please help us be good parents for my daughter and good spouses to each other. Please help me maintain good rapport always with his parents, his sister and her family, her son and his distant relatives. Please bless me, Jitendra, his parents, my daughter, my sister and my parents with the best of health and wealth and unity. Please keep us sensible and kind and content and safe always. Please help us give  a good present and good future to my daughter always. Please bless her to be a good daughter, good grand-daughter and good human being always. My prayers for her will change as she grows up - please understand and bless us always.

Please help my mom recover from cancer at the earliest without much pain and side-effects. Please help her face anything that comes ahead in the best positive way. Please give my dad the strength he needs and sense he needs to interact with my family and everybody around. Please keep him in good health in all ways. Please ensure that the staff at St. Johns hospital, right from the doctors to the nurses and other staff treat my mom well and attend to her well. Please ensure that mom gets enough care and rest to recover and become normal very soon. Please help us maintain expenses related to her care smoothly and get our dues well on time. Please keep my mom safe and content and ensure that Nightingale agency sends a good caretaker to replace Rukmini and the caretaker must be sensible, sincere and regular for the next 4-5 months until mom recovers fully. Please ensure cancer never appears in mom's body in any way again and let her be strong and face all the further tests with good strength and meet good people everywhere. Please ensure that my sister, daughter and I never get any kind of cancer or any kind of deadly or minor disease any time. Please bless all of us with good health and cheer.

Please help my sister find a good partner at the right time for her. Please guide her in all her decisions and choices in all walks of life. Please ensure that she is always nice and well-behaved with my parents and me. Please fill her with gratitude for all that she has - that should remove any issues in her mind and clear her doubts about the future and stop comparing herself. Please keep my sister and me united and affectionate to each other always. Please keep us all united and in peace.

Please help me and my daughter to always have time for each other and be close to each other. Please help me teach her Tamil. Please ensure that she speaks Tamil fluently and correctly very soon. Please bless her with the right sense of when to speak Tamil and Kannada and how to speak with whom and where. Please let her balance her interest in both the languages well and earn good rapport with all my folks and also from her father's side. Please help my daughter bring her up well. Please ensure that she is always safe and secure. Please ensure that her nanny comes regularly, teaches her good habits, keeps her safe, behaves well and works well. Please bless the nanny and her family members with good health and unity, such that it helps her work well here and attend to my daughter well. Please bless me to be the closest person with my daughter and vice versa always in all ways.

Please bless me with good work-life balance and good health always, such that I can keep in touch with all my old friends from different walks of life very closely and not let it affect my relationships at home or work or chores at home. Please bless me with good culinary sense and good health. Please bless me with good friends from any new walk of life I move into and help me identify my true purpose in life at the very earliest. Please help me get my independence in all ways always. Please help me learn driving a car and a two wheeler at the very earliest and own them very soon. Please bless me with good health and financial and emotional independence always. Please bless me with good health and wealth and sense always. Please help Jitendra and me to always maintain good health, good figure physically and passion always. Please help us have satisfying, regular, smooth, peaceful consummation always.

Please help me get good information and guidance from my college when I go to inquire about reappearing for my degree exam. Please help me in completing my B.Sc degree and finish my arrears in that one Physics paper smoothly. Please help me get sufficient help from Anand  - the CA guy and his associate in the Bangalore University to get to do all the required steps to get to show that I appeared for the exam and passed it and completed my degree and get my completed degree certificates that show that I am a B.Sc degree holder from Bangalore University very smoothly and efficiently and on time. Please ensure that whatever we do is safe and secure and does not harm us in any way or affect us or anybody related to us in any way ever in the present or future. Please ensure that the money that I have to pay for this would be nominal and reasonable. Please help me negotiate well and be safe always in this deal. Please help me complete my unfulfilled dream to be a B.Sc degree holder at the very earliest. This degree will help me recover from my guilt, feel good about myself and give me my freedom to work anywhere and go anywhere smoothly without any issues.

Please help me and fulfil all my prayers at the earliest, Dear God. I am grateful for whatever I have in my life so far. Please help me. Thank you for everything.





 

My prayers....

God, please save me and show me my purpose of life in clear, lucid lines and vision.

I am hearing bad things about the company I joined. I do not want it to affect my career or future in any way. I want to last here for a year minimum and 5 years maximum. If it becomes my retirement place, nothing like it. Please help me work well and keep my job stable and safe, with good pay, perks, flexibility, motivation, learnings, work life balance, easy interesting work. Please keep the company safe and stable. Please bless me with a good understanding manager, peers and good, honest friends.

Please help me handle my expenses well and save well to close off all my debts at the earliest.

Please help me build good rapport with Jitendra's parents, sister and her family. Please bless me and Jitendra to always be a happy, stable, understanding, trustful, passionate, friendly, loving couple. Please bless us with all the good things to be good parents to Samyuktha and give her a good upbringing. Please help Samyuktha always have safe, secure, content, good, healthy, motivating, good-cultured growing up environment around her. Please bless her to be a good daughter always.

Please help me teach Samyuktha Tamil at the earliest. I would like her to converse in Tamil fluently with me, my folks, extended relatives. Please help us handle Jitendra, his parents, his sister, his extended relatives and people around us with good diplomacy and smartness, such that they do not get offended or feel out of place if we converse in Tamil. Please bless her to grow up into a smart, healthy girl. Please also help us and her in getting rid of her pacifier at the earliest, with ease and comfort.

Please take care of my mom's health. Please bless me and my family, dear lord. Give us the strength and wisdom to handle everything that comes our way and still be united and content.

Please help me at the earliest to identify my interest in life and help me convert it as my profession, such that I earn well and also save for a rainy day, with good work life balance and be inspired and motivated always.

 

Help me sail through, dear lord, and maintain harmony, peace, love, finance, good health in all ways

Dear God, please help me sail through the challenges I am facing at home from parents, in-laws, husband, kid, sister, nanny and at work with team-mates, colleagues, manager, HR, VP exit.

I want to be smart worker and a smart person everywhere always. I do not want to hurt people or cause discomfort. However, I want to be upfront to people who hurt me or cause discomfort. At the same time, my response should not spoil my relationship with them in any way ever. I want to have a smooth, luxurious, easy life and meet challenges with good strategy, wit and humor. Please help me maintain cordial relationships with everybody around me at work / home and everywhere.

Thanks for all the true people in my life. Please let me be true to them too. Please help me handle work easily and always have all the flexibility and facilities that I need at work and home.

Please help me face mom's health issues with determination and positive attitude. Please help me face financial issues with smart spending, savings, determination and positive attitude. Please help me tackle work issues smartly, work smartly and easily, learn new things, make good, honest friends, get all the flexibility, growth and finance. Please let the company grow and help me improve my career. Thank you for everything so far at work. Please help me for the days ahead.

Please help me improve my relationship with Jitendra, my parents, sister, daughter, in laws and extended relatives on my side and his side. Please help me learn household management well and be a smart worker and a good parent. Please help me and Jitendra to be a loving, passionate, sensible, broad-minded, supportive couple always. Please bless me, my husband, my kid, my parents, my in laws, nanny, sister with good health in all ways and harmony always.

Thank you, God for everything so far. Please bless me with good things ahead in all my walks of life.