Mid 2024 musings

 I am blogging after a very long time. 

Post-pandemic, one day, during a fight in the new rented apartment, my husband told me that he was shocked when he read my earlier blog post which mentioned that I wanted his parents dead in the next 5 years. He had this violated feeling simmering in him for a long time and never brought it up, until that fight. 

I knew that the blog post was my personal rant and of course immature. I did not defend that blog post but I did try to explain that those feelings reduced and it is more of neutrality. Nothing convinced him and I realized it is not easy to digest such violating thoughts from a spouse. I left it at that and the awkwardness still continues between us.

After many years, I re-ventured to open the blog and I read all my posts. The post that shocked him was actually ending on a practical note - How can I determine someone's death when my own parents are also weak and I do not know my expiry date? He of course used it for his point of view that I dislike his parents. 

However, what happened after that is I got scared of writing my thoughts. I tried writing in a paper but somehow the feeling that my raw inner most feelings have been considered "too much".

On a different note, I was looking back at our 13 years of marriage few days ago. It is now a sexless marriage, like so many couples I read about. If there is no emotional intimacy, from where will physical intimacy show up as sex. 

When we recently spoke about his father's dementia progressing, it felt like a tight slap on my face when I realized that my husband hadn't verbalized his father's symptoms as dementia - diagnosed before our marriage itself. He kept referring to a few incidents like this - it was showing up here and there. (Example: I remember the toilet not being flushed when I went in the wee hours twice before the house was renovated. Him eating without waiting for others was also not considered out of the blue.) Then the husband tells me during the same conversation - now do you recall why I was very quiet when I dropped you at BEML gate that evening after our coffee date because I could not contact my parents and confirm if they had reached Mysore. That was the tight slap. It was right in front of my eyes and I chose not to see it. This man I married had agreed to marry only because I agreed to stay with his parents after marriage. He got that confirmation very seriously and I only saw the "general" reasons. Over the years, I saw his extra dedication towards his mom and dad - like the mythological story "Shravan". Lucky parents. On the other hand, this guarantees the fact that he visits us at the apartment and won't pay the rent or pay for the provisions (unless I ask to share supposedly). It is convenient for him to use my pathetic communication skills during the pandemic when I started readying the apartment without waiting for him - because I was very uncomfortable and guilty and ashamed to ask him. I was financially irresponsible and spent a chunk of the layoff settlement Oracle gave me to invest in the house. Thank God. He had once blurted in anger - how can you ask me to leave my parents behind? So, when I started setting up the house, he felt pushed back and then decided to "visit". On the flip side, it worked for his benefit in ALL possible ways. Except for the fact that I had to take his daughter with me - he already has to take care of two other senior children of his.

I was SO ANGRY during the pandemic and the early years of our apartment move. The child bore a lot of the brunt. My role continues to be full-time remote, thanks to the kind manager. So in a way, socializing stopped. I stopped myself from talking to neighbors unless absolutely necessary. "Why is your husband not staying here?" "Why did you move here from Vijaya nagar, only for work?"

Shopping therapy continued. I have a lovely collection of beautiful silk saris and cottons. And a new love to travel has also sprung. Again, child bore the brunt of my temper - caused due to the underlying disappointment that my husband won't share my daughter's share of the travel expense or take us to so many places. I did not ask him again pointedly. It is a different story if he would have given. The recent Poothali Kerala trip money settlement conversation proved it. "Lene ke dene pad gaye", he said, at the end of the conversation - wherein I had to pay for my money that he withdrew as cash before the trip but I had to pay him supposedly. But he owed me 750. Which he asked me to deduct and pay him 4250/-. I did ask him to include the 540 rupees for the dhotis he picked up for the old fathers.

Now life has somewhat plateau'ed. Dad got diagnosed with a terminal illness called pulmonary fibrosis in Nov 2023 and uses a oxygen concentrator to breathe. Sister moved near to their house post-pandemic. She faced major disappointments from all of us during her new motherhood phase. She tried to use me as her foster mom but I became super-aware of her moves, especially the calculations she uses and manipulations. I cannot be her foster mom - and neither can I be always available for my parents. I have experienced first-hand partiality and lesser preference over her - considering she shined better in studies and made dad's dream of CA come true. And I have tortured my parents with my callous, reckless attitude during my late teens with studies and choice of men in my 20s. God's grace - NetApp took me in - I screwed up there also. Then Oracle - screwed up there also - looking back, it became even for the treatment from Kumar - his choice of giving me pathetic pay and work expectations. Eventually, CHR and Oracle saved me and helped me float during my mom's cancer treatment, reckless shopping and very young child-care. Cisco has been my life-saver in so many ways, I can't fathom. Living in a rented apartment, juggling a job and child-care, buying groceries and running a kitchen, finding my spiritual space and faith, enjoying solitude - rather than complain of loneliness, identifying grey areas in people and myself, and learning how I have become an ambivert, I have come a long way and there is a long way to go ahead, I know.

I got to notice dad's symptoms up-close and did my homework and found the right doctor. Cisco colleague guided me to the right doctor, I must add. He is on the right treatment and suffering the medicine's side-effects. He has lost a ton of weight and is having no stamina, at this point, for a minimal social life. I pity him and I dread old age where we become so irrelevant. My husband's mom is still relevant, thanks to her luck, genes and the worshipping from her son. He won't break her heart anytime, already broke it big time by marrying me. When she was feeling bad about yet to visit Kashi, I knew instinctively that he must have offered to take her, at the right time. He said he promised so, when I inquired casually later. I did not offer to join. I instead replied that I couldn't take my dad to Kashi. Can I take dad in the future, God knows. Do I want to, is another thing.

My parents and I had a bad fight on Apr 15, 2024, for a tawa exchange apparently. Mom and sister nicely put a scratch on the tawa and I did not check that before entering the shop and getting embarrassed. Mom's obsession over the right size of idiyappam thread - I have to buy another idiyappam maker. I got so irate on her obsession - she insults me that I do not know anything despite being 40. Well, that was it. Over the past few months, I felt over-used by them and I felt let-down when I asked my sister for help in going to the shop with the tawa from 11th cross. And she just did not turn up. The way she dragged me for every doctor consultation during dad's hospital admission in Dec 2023 - though I was recovering from my bum surgery, is no joke as to how she manipulates. 

I did take her husband's help in getting chauffeur'ed to the airport bus, when Jitendra had to run home to arrange bedsheets for the sudden guests from Mysore. And the poor man had to hide the Lucknow trip from his parents, how irresponsible of me. Especially to go right after back to back hospital admissions and the great Sankranti festival. I paid for the trip, I chose the dates and had given a heads-up in Oct 2023. I fell sick in Dec 2023 because of the pus filled cyst becoming an abscess, got admitted and recovered with his limited help during the admission - not that he would not have done more. I took the home care nurse option and paid a lot but they were God-send. I went to the follow-up consultations on my own because he is with his parents 25 kms away. And based on the doctor's confirmation, I went ahead with the trip, causing no disturbances to anyone. But no, I did the wrong thing supposedly. I "informed" him about the trip, not act like a spouse but a room-mate. I don't think so but I won't argue with him anymore. I was ready to lose all the money spent on booking the trip, if it had come to no-go situation. I agree that he was unhappy about me being stubborn in going ahead but what does he know of my plight of no company and traveling with strangers. (Still, I am thankful for these options nowadays.) He is lucky to have college friends who take him for trips and make him have fun and see places at the same time. Bandar kya jaane adrak ka swaad. The same trip with strangers is how I got to travel to Bhutan with Sam and get her to tick her long-time wish to travel outside India. God's grace. 

Sleep-over at Nimisha's house - Jul 7-8, 2018

Why I wanted to particularly blog about this was because we were up until 5:30 am on 8th July, 2018 - Sunday from maybe 11 pm on 7th July, 2018 - talking about everything under the sun that mattered to us. What a night, huh?!

We reached at 5:30 pm - Nisha and I met from Bangalore West and went to E-city. Rekha and Di came together from Bangalore East to E-city. Thanks to the Uber and Ola services and perfect weekend.

I am trying to recall the topics now - Nitha's Singapore Cruise and Marilyn Monroe incident, Rekha's harassment experience 12 years ago at Accenture (which Nisha knew before itself (as usual), Diana's parenting challenges with Zach along with Jesu, Nisha's co-sister's harassment on her husband, Nitha's OCD'ed father - who arranges dirty plates nicely on the sink, my husband's acquaintance - the gynec who dropped the consultation charges, Rekha's 11 day Italy visit - she chose to be discreet (as usual), Diana's honeymoon at Swiss where her husband left her at the Swiss train station, Nisha's husband who got a compliment - Hi, handsome husband and "Super Dad" and how we totally nailed that Nisha is safely married when we saw the fan's pic on FB and how Di chided Nitha for not being serious to get married.

Samyu slept without me next to her for the first ever time, by sharing a bunker top bed with Navya (11 years old). Samarah is also 11 - 6th std. Sianah will be 4 in August. Varsha is 13 - 8th std. Zach will also be 2 in Aug. I don't really know if Samyu slept soundly but she was awake at 7:30 am and poking me in the bedroom when I had barely caught some sleep for 1.5 hours. Nisha and Rekha were awake already, God knows when. Nimisha slept on the couch - she is used to it, she said. Nitha coo'ed Zach when he thought she was Di and all of them slept soundly, maybe until 9.


Nimisha's mom was a big help to Nimisha and I hope we did our bit to help the house get to shape when we stayed there. It isn't a big house but it is perfect with its comforts in a big community apartment suite, with all the facilities you can imagine under the earth for anybody. Any emergency can be covered without a problem. Things I liked best - you can have your child study in the same apartment campus until UKG - wow, and you can shop for a 2L coke at 9:45 pm, JLT. That shopping helped me in tasting vodka mixed with coke and a glass of wine too, which Nimisha generously shared from her husband's collection.

The children even went to the swimming pool on Sunday for an hour or so. Sam seemed to have slight fever but she managed to dip her legs for a bit, because I gave her Dolo-250 - which I carried with me. That reminds me of the left-over fried rice that I need to finish now for lunch. After I gave boxes of Amul chocolates to all the kids, Nisha and Rekha felt complied to give gifts to Nimisha - well, I did what was my prerogative when we are all headed to a friend's house who is generous to host all of us with our kids. Samyu got a bangle making set - she already had one from her athe. But a gift is a gift. I enjoyed trolling Siana with the national anthem bit and her small toys etc., Hope we didn't offend Nimisha and the kids kinda liked us. Best part was the kids were on their own, including Samyu. Oh, how can I forget how we couldn't console Zach whenever Di was in the shower or loo visit. Those few minutes of his wailing rocked our boats - One incident was so hilarious with Nimisha and me rolling in laughter while Nitha was searching for youtube rhymes, talking out loud constantly - "where is youtube", "how do i put rhymes" - going mad to console a wailing / howling child that got us madder. And Di peeking out from the shower with Nimisha and me and the kids as an audience during the 2nd incident.

I love the apartment but I won't want it - I cannot stay under the same roof with my in-laws where we'll have to see our faces once we open the room door. This duplex helps me like a shrine until now and I hope it continues to do so until the time is right for better opportunities. In laws had returned from their Mysore visit, cutting a day shorter in fact. Helped that it was on Sat instead of Sunday because I had made lunch for them - sambar and rice, along with fried rice for the 3 of us. If it were Sunday, she may have gotten the chance to complaineto J that they have to eat outside while the dutiful DIL was enjoying with her friends. I get brownie points because I also covered the rangoli bit, made him put those nice shenbaga poo or sampige or champaka in the pujai room, get Sam ready while making the nanny do the chopping bit. Am also glad that J enjoyed his sleep-over with 19 of his college friends. All in all, evertyhing went well and all are happy, I hope.

Nimisha has helped me with my sister's break in DB and also by sharing the profile again with her friend in Well-Fargo. She was discreet about mom's cancer bit then and proved that she is rock-solid reliable when Di confided to us about being preggie with Zach.

My degree in Josephs is incomplete because of my carelessness and that is a thorn in my heart with all the embarrassment I feel whenever I think of it. However I am thankful for these friends and the fun times and the understanding they have shown to me, almost whenever I've needed it. I hope I've been a good friend to them too. Thank you, God, for the good luck you've blessed me with - I am filled with gratitude for these and everything. I pray the good times continue forever and I can in return lead a respectable and good life, doing all the good that I can unto this world in return.

Life at present

What I took for granted so many years ago, I have lost it in my present. I do not know what the future holds for me but what step I take now will lead me to the future is what I know. Right now, I feel like an alien inside my own body. I go to Vijaya Nagar every day but my heart yearns for Vignana Nagar. The roads starting from my school which I last entered officially in 1997 keep coming to my mind. It is like a relic of my past but I cannot touch it or even enter. I can refer it of course when the need arises. Dating Prem was completely the wrong thing. It is true I took that option to get out of Anish’s clutches. What a fool I was to think that only love and sex completed the whole world. How over-rated these two things are.... They have their joys but they are not enough to lead a happy and fulfilled life. I wish somebody had told me this nicely. Parents are totally out of question. They did their best and left for me to figure out things for myself. And with God’s grace, I have charted this route so far. If I had married Prem, I would have not been in touch with parents anyway. And here, I am complaining that I have lost touch with my roots after marrying Jitendra. The man is fine as a companion for all practical purposes. I used to feel that he was my soul mate. Then reality crash-landed us when Samyuktha entered our lives and his parents started waving their mad flag of their culture, lifestyle and language. She tried nice tricks that I try some other items for breakfast during weekends. How stupid did she think I am? I even venture a suggestion... I know the consequence — Oh, here she comes to start brandishing her Tamil culture, language and cuisine. I am so glad I can go to Chennai and do not have the necessity to stay at his sister’s place. (Well, she is back now.... Supposedly, her favorite haunt in the world... she goes on about Chennai's geography and culture and people and metropolitan conveniences and providings). It is suffocating to be around her. I wish my husband’s ties with her get severed for good in the long run. For that, I wish the two oldies at home drop-dead within the next 5 years — life will be free of negativity for me. I sincerely will try to be a good parent, home-maker and spouse and hopefully work. The thought of death scares me actually. I do not know my expiry date and here I am, wishing that his parents drop dead within the next 5 years. And that takes me to my parents — one has had a back surgery and is a heart patient. the other one is a breast cancer survivor. My sister has gone way far away from me. But I guess that is how it is. Siblings can be close or just become strangers to each other. I crave for the cocooned family ties. I wonder how mom and dad reconciled that life changes post-marriage and brought us up. Dad is just about his wife and daughters. Mom came from a large family but is in her own world of TV and books now. How will I grow old? What will I do when I am her age? Will Jitendra and I still be together? Will Samyuktha be around us? Will she know Tamil and have some exposure to Tamil culture and not look at it the way her dad does? Will I be able to live in touch with my roots? Will I be happy? Will I work until however long I want to and work well, too? Will I save enough for a rainy day and lead a sensible life. God, give me some sanity and control over my present and future.

A friend's birthday and my oldest periappa's death day - Life is a vicious cycle

As the title says, I really do not know where I am headed in the vicious cycle called LIFE. Kothandaraman periappa is no more. Got to know about his hospital admission around the time of New Years Eve itself. I somehow hoped he would get through this time, for various reasons like mom and dad's health state, my keen interest in visiting him once at least with my husband and kid - he never got to meet her, and also that I would have liked to spend new year day with parents, if they did not have to travel to Villupuram to pay their last respects for his death. He managed to stay alive with the help of ventilator till Jan 6th, 2015. I got to know about his last few hours from mom. But only after sending a message to Sham for asking her to stay over at Vijaya Nagar, did I get know that he had passed away. Parents sometimes do not share any news with me on time. May periappa's soul rest in peace. I tried hinting Jitendra that I would like to visit Villupuram to pay my last respects during the 10-13 days grievance ceremony. Not once did he say - Sure, let's go. He tried to ask me to join parents when they informed me about their plans to hire a car and drive down on Jan 6th, 2015. Well, to hell with Jitendra's interest right now, I put a halt of my visit plan for the sake of my young daughter and new job.

I am hurt inside that Jitendra hardly tries to bond with my family or extended relatives by learning Tamil. Bring it up and he just does not want to accept. "Give me time. First, you show your interest." Its going to be 4 years of marriage and I do not know when we will hit middle ground. For him, my sense of cleanliness and responsibility sharing should increase, to be interested in learning my language or bond with my family or extended relatives. Well, I know how much I have shopped and piled up so many items like jewellery and clothes and what not. It is going to take me equal number of years for using up all the items and ensure ROI. The shopping extravaganza can be blamed on feeling out of place and wanting to do something to keep me happy. Retail therapy is the word for it, I recall now. However, it has shrunk my savings, taken up all the space in the wardrobe and added a load of strain and guilt to my marriage, my mind and space at home. However, I have finally come to a state of calling truce with myself and Jitendra. He can take his time to meet my expectations of learning Tamil and taking initiative of bonding with my family or extended relatives. Meanwhile, I will tighten my wallet, save money to clear off debts, invest in existing policies and save exclusively for my rainy day. Also, I intend to use every single item I have purchased and use it, no matter what. If I do not get to use it and it serves nobody a purpose except for occupying space, I will discard it. This is my resolution for the years to come until I am done with whatever I have purchased so far, saved well and followed these rules well. Along all this, I realize my daughter will grow up, my career will need to get better than where I am right now, my family will move ahead in its pace and I will move along as close as possible. My marriage - it requires two hands. Only me trying to learn his language, his culture, his roots, his folks, his lifestyle is never going to be sufficient. I sincerely hope God will give us a great married life ahead with truly wonderful compatibility, maturity, understanding, contentment and love. We also need to evolve as good parents for the little one we brought into this world. God, please help us to do our roles well. Please bless us and Samyuktha to be good to each other. I sincerely hope Samyuktha grows up to be a sensible, sharp, down-to-earth, secure child and human being. I pray she gets independence over her pacifier and gets toilet-trained well very soon.

I sincerely hope I will be able to work smart, earn well, make good friends, impress the management, learn good things at work in terms of technology and working in my new job. I also sincerely hope that I will be able to keep in touch with my extended relatives really closely, like never before. The efforts for all this should be so well-designed that my parenting / wife / daughter / daughter-in-law / sister / sister-in-law / friend roles also improve with time and I am blessed with peace and contentment in me and around me. Please keep me, Jitendra, Samyuktha and my family healthy, peaceful, safe and secure always.

To commemorate my periappa's death and pay my last respects in spirit, I chose to wear black today. I hope I get to meet periamma and ashok anna and balaji sometime soon and spend time bonding with my daughter and husband and parents in tow.

On this same day, I called Vimika to wish her on her birthday. She had done so for my birthday last year and I did not get to really return then. Hope she has a wonderful year ahead and hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch. I also hope Sunitha has a smooth, healthy pregnancy and second motherhood. God, please ensure that all her current worries get resolved soon and well - husband's job here or in Dubai, son's schooling, pregnancy pain as the baby grows, health, her job, her future whether in Dubai or here, finances, marriage and parenting. I hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch. I also pray for Sumathi to get married soon to a nice guy with all her parents and family blessings and a happy married life for her. I hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch.

May periappa's soul rest in peace. He has been a nice man to me and left me with fond memories. This blog post is dedicated to him, the last one gone from my grandparents' generation.

Amen.

Inshallah for the prayers I have. Thank you for everything so far.

Any idiot can face a crisis. Its the day to day life that wears you out. - Anton Chekov - I so know what it means now.

Sam has gotten all cranky nowadays. Right from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to sleep, I am finding it difficult to be with her. Every single task is a challenge and that gets into further complications with my temper, peace of mind, lack of company and health overall. These things also affect my relationships at his place. However, what does it matter? I am more like a robot there, just waiting to get my chores done and off to the bed room. Talking in tamil with my own child is a sinner here. And I am expected to follow every single rule. When newly married, I was ok with sacrificing TV and not reading books. It was expected that I work and do all the chores that I could when I was at home. It actually kept me occupied and then I would go off to read books etc. After Sam's arrival, my whole clock goes bizarre and I can never do a thing as planned. I just keep rushing from pillar to post. And for this new job, it has made my life all the more chaotic. I just hope Sam really behaves herself and eats well with me and whoever decides to feed her. And I hope I really learn to be a smart worker than a hard worker. Her tantrums today got me so furious, what with the mil saying she must go to school with just biscuits as her breakfast. Nonsense it is - what will the child do for 3 hours without a decent breakfast. She was having her porridge diligently until yesterday. That saves a lot of time and I could manage to get her ready and drop. But no, madam has started throwing tantrums and mil wants to play along. What not she went on about some relative kids not eating and managing to grow up. I would like to take all that shit only from one ear. I have no interest in agreeing or disagreeing. All that kind of conversation is just bull crap with an oldie like her. She thinks she knows best. The maid was torn between her and me, but I decided to hang on as it was about my daughter's health. I had to threaten the child and be harsh but then it worked today. However, it spoilt  my mood alright. And then I try to vent out to my husband and he cannot take a single word against his mother, whom I really wish d**d. We have been having tiffs and he then tries to reason. I see no point in always expecting to have a conversation with him. If there is some time, it is just in chores almost every single day. I have given up my expectations and even stopped trying to do what his parents want. I realized it is of no use giving. In this kind of a set-up, you do not get anything. I plan to live in such a stifling world only for the sake of my daughter. I hope time will help in improving my patience levels and independence in all ways. I just want a smooth life ahead which is debt-free and peaceful. My kid should listen to me at all times and help me keep in touch with my roots. As for my career, I hope I have reached the right place. God, please give me a lot of strength to help bring up my kid and myself and handle any joy/sorrow equally. Please make me a pillar of strength for myself. I am happy with one kid - please bless my kid, me, my husband, his parents, my parents and sister, maids with good health and good mind-set in all times. Please bless me with a low-pressure job and a decent team and manager and projects. God, please save me and help me. Thanks for everything so far.

Chennai trip - Independence day weekend - 2014

Here we plan a trip to complete a long pending request from his sister. And I want to visit few of my relatives before time just runs off longer than I thought.

He books the tickets without consulting me, even the time. A whole day is dedicated to just travel and return. He conveniently has some restricted leave option. With a kid, I do not want to complain about losing a leave. However, it cant always be followed in the future.

I rush to parlour to look decent the day prior to our travel. Then come to office, go home and complete packing till midnight. Then we wake up bleary eyed to catch the Shatabdi. Thankfully, my lil sweetheart cooperated the whole time in the trip, except for few tantrums due to her disturbed routine. The whole place where we sat was just kids. How did IRCTC know and put all of us together?

We meet my relatives - short one at Ponnusami mama and then Raghu, visit a famous temple - Vadapalani temple, go to Saravana Bhavan for a light dinner. Am glad Ponnusami mama dropped us to Raghu's place. Raghu's family got to pull us for the temple and dinner visit. I had even spent a considerable amount of time and money for his son. Hope the kid and parents like the clothes.

Then comes the honorable duty to behave myself in all ways at his sister's place. They planned a quick Pondi trip for whatever reasons. The kids enjoyed the most, I guess. J could not explore as much as he wanted to. Kids and family take away most of the time with the preparation chores. But what a hotel was booked. Good one for such a short visit. It was good to see the seashore, though I would have enjoyed it more with just him and me and lil kid. Hope it happens sometime soon. Then decent lunch and dinners etc. The whole ride from Chennai to Pondi was a kannada killer for me, right from songs to conversation topics and language. The kids sure made it a tad peaceful with their sleep. I actually slept too when I found the whole presence of mine like a wall. I hate it when my husband decides to pay more attention to the outsiders than us. And we are expected to behave our best too. Sigh! I still managed to shop for saris, blouse bits for mom and sis' material request. The bill surprised me but then I shop like that when I get into a mood. Thankfully, J was my alarm and the place did not have so much of variety. I also got to visit Grand sweets and purchase a few of my favorite stuff. I need to give mom her stuff too. She sounded more excited than me. Good to see her getting back to normal. Hope her health and dad's health is good in all ways. She had quite a list for me to shop and that was how I actually went shopping at Nalli and Grand sweets in the short amount of time that we had.

Return journey was also peaceful. Sam was upset that we got back to our place. She loves her aunt after all. :) I somehow got to console her successfully with her bruise story at Pondi. The kid seems to be healthy. J got cold. I got the monthly stuff. Hope the med will be safe on me without side-effects.

Trips do not feel as complete and fulfilling as they used to be. Its all still new with husband, kid and not feeling completely normal even at my folks' place. Hope things get better in future in all ways. No complaints this time except a prayer to increase my patience when I feel like an outsider with his folks and I get to divert my mind and do something more worthwhile and satisfying than be a wall. I so wanted to mock them, thrash them or just get out of the car at times. And I wonder if the feedback has been positive so far. It does not matter much but I know it can have major consequences.

Loved Chennai infrastructure so much. Weather is a killer. 

Life goes on. I just hope I can stay in touch with my roots always.

I asked for a divorce.

I am having issues with this guy since quite some time. He thinks I must work for this house. And he will still talk only to his parents and bond only with his folks. His daughter adores him and I feel bad that its just her that is right now keeping us together.

I try to step out of my ego and approach him. And all he has to make me feel is turned down. And for all that muck, he tells me its because I am not working in this house. What am I here for? Just work and slave my butt off?

If not else, he is happy to serve his parents. I have mine too.

My only worry is that if we do separate, my kid will be affected the most. She adores him a lot. Me, I am just crumbling from inside as I am losing my identity and am not able to come to terms with the changes where my freedom is being taken away.

Will we stay together or not is a question God will answer.

What happens in this house - I just do not know. I just come to know from some events that follow next few hours or days. My language and my space is gone. And the crowd will not accept me into their side as well without jibing me.

But I swear, I have never felt so out of place in a place where I live and am supposed to call it my own house.

God save us.