What I took for granted so many years ago, I have lost it in my present. I do not know what the future holds for me but what step I take now will lead me to the future is what I know. Right now, I feel like an alien inside my own body. I go to Vijaya Nagar every day but my heart yearns for Vignana Nagar. The roads starting from my school which I last entered officially in 1997 keep coming to my mind. It is like a relic of my past but I cannot touch it or even enter. I can refer it of course when the need arises. Dating Prem was completely the wrong thing. It is true I took that option to get out of Anish’s clutches. What a fool I was to think that only love and sex completed the whole world. How over-rated these two things are.... They have their joys but they are not enough to lead a happy and fulfilled life. I wish somebody had told me this nicely. Parents are totally out of question. They did their best and left for me to figure out things for myself. And with God’s grace, I have charted this route so far. If I had married Prem, I would have not been in touch with parents anyway. And here, I am complaining that I have lost touch with my roots after marrying Jitendra. The man is fine as a companion for all practical purposes. I used to feel that he was my soul mate. Then reality crash-landed us when Samyuktha entered our lives and his parents started waving their mad flag of their culture, lifestyle and language. She tried nice tricks that I try some other items for breakfast during weekends. How stupid did she think I am? I even venture a suggestion... I know the consequence — Oh, here she comes to start brandishing her Tamil culture, language and cuisine. I am so glad I can go to Chennai and do not have the necessity to stay at his sister’s place. (Well, she is back now.... Supposedly, her favorite haunt in the world... she goes on about Chennai's geography and culture and people and metropolitan conveniences and providings). It is suffocating to be around her. I wish my husband’s ties with her get severed for good in the long run. For that, I wish the two oldies at home drop-dead within the next 5 years — life will be free of negativity for me. I sincerely will try to be a good parent, home-maker and spouse and hopefully work. The thought of death scares me actually. I do not know my expiry date and here I am, wishing that his parents drop dead within the next 5 years. And that takes me to my parents — one has had a back surgery and is a heart patient. the other one is a breast cancer survivor. My sister has gone way far away from me. But I guess that is how it is. Siblings can be close or just become strangers to each other. I crave for the cocooned family ties. I wonder how mom and dad reconciled that life changes post-marriage and brought us up. Dad is just about his wife and daughters. Mom came from a large family but is in her own world of TV and books now. How will I grow old? What will I do when I am her age? Will Jitendra and I still be together? Will Samyuktha be around us? Will she know Tamil and have some exposure to Tamil culture and not look at it the way her dad does? Will I be able to live in touch with my roots? Will I be happy? Will I work until however long I want to and work well, too? Will I save enough for a rainy day and lead a sensible life. God, give me some sanity and control over my present and future.
No comments:
Post a Comment