Last week went in a dizzy with my cyst causing me fever and pain, almost a severe illness. I had the strength to keep my wits intact on Monday to seek medical leave and go back home for a whole week to recover and bear the pain. The doc visits grew more frequent and so did my prayers to recover. It was a horrible phase with sleepless nights and slurry days. Thank God, am much better now.
Meanwhile, the only few things that kept me going were hope, my family, esp. my sis and a gradual-growing intensity towards to-be-Leopold. He was quite at his charming and caring best and we only grew closer over the random phone calls from me to him and viceversa that whole week. It was as if only he would understand me in the whole wide world. Felt strangely funny and good. I had messaged him at 2 am one painful night, least expecting a reply at that odd wee hour. However, he gave me a sweet surprise by sending a reply at 3:48 am which I saw much later. My sis was consoling my tears coming out of sheer pain, but I was inconsolable. His reply made me feel so much better though I saw it later first thing when I woke up in the morning. Such strong positive vibes between us - Thank God always for that.
I recuperated that week somehow and got back to work this week and his first response was that he had missed me genuinely and was glad to see me. :) I somehow did feel the same but it did not sink in that much until last night. The dinner deal was worked out after bracing increased workload and it turned out to be one real romantic outing. He had endearingly said that he would take me out for dinner to a place that appealed to me and he knew he might not really enjoy it gastronomically. He almost despises Italian cuisine for its bland nature and I seem to love it for its share of cheese and smoothness. He almost ran away from one of my favorite Italian haunts - a refined place during one of our previous dining ventures. I found it hilarious and disappointing at the same time but it was endearing in a way to compromise for him the previous time. I decided to strike gold when it was my turn to see him willingly compromise out of sheer sympathy and affection for me. I reckon he liked the ambiance and food was not the priority this time. I did coax him and drag him to the same restaurant and was successful this time. All the attention put me in ninth cloud with the constant jibe that things might get more serious. We are working out the long term deal and in the midst, we find ourselves in intense feelings and fuzzy brain-alarms. There was a restrained yet better expression in the physical proximity. Gosh, I've never ever felt such delicious shivers when I gaze into his intoxicated eyes. The eyes spoke volumes though he was as diplomatic as ever. I obviously chose to replay the same. Sigh, I was scared to push it more or even encourage the same. The fear somehow does seem justified but it sometimes pushes me to bitter-sweet situations.
I pray for strength and grand, great and simple pleasures and peaceful contentment ahead for a lifetime for us in all spheres of life.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The other side of Easter...
One part of me was bleeding its death and the other part was awakening to a fresh move.
Watched a play with a companion and this date was something that I had contemplated for a long while now. It almost seemed as if it would not happen and then, bang on, it happened just like that... It felt as if someone was teasing me as to how could I jump to such conclusions. :)
The play was my second time and it felt better the second time but definitely not fresh. I got carried away the first time coz of a hunk and this time, the play tugged at my heart with better performances from the actor whom I had sidelined the first time. The play was at a famous theater near a location that was close to my heart for another reason. The location was a nice little coy lake where I had met my long lost friend after a decade. The meeting was a short and sweet one and a breather during my broiling hell time 4 years ago. I had met my schoolmate after a very long time and the whole memory of us catching up and hunting for a place to eat and then me returning home late since we had just not got enough of the time - all this was very fresh in my head.
To be able to go there again was a long time thought and it just happened without any planning after so many years. One part of my head was reliving the 4 year ago incident and another bit of me was sinking in the reality - The company was definitely getting mesmerized with me and I enjoyed the whole date oh so much. It ended in a one of the very interesting conversations I've had - "a lot can happen over coffee" explains it all, locale and context. Hmmm.... :)
P.S. A compliment that got me all conscious but yes, damn good.... "You look fair even in the dark" - ahem, it was meant on face-value and I guess it came out of the lighting effect in the theater and the mesmerizing feel. :D I was caught unaware for sure. :)
Watched a play with a companion and this date was something that I had contemplated for a long while now. It almost seemed as if it would not happen and then, bang on, it happened just like that... It felt as if someone was teasing me as to how could I jump to such conclusions. :)
The play was my second time and it felt better the second time but definitely not fresh. I got carried away the first time coz of a hunk and this time, the play tugged at my heart with better performances from the actor whom I had sidelined the first time. The play was at a famous theater near a location that was close to my heart for another reason. The location was a nice little coy lake where I had met my long lost friend after a decade. The meeting was a short and sweet one and a breather during my broiling hell time 4 years ago. I had met my schoolmate after a very long time and the whole memory of us catching up and hunting for a place to eat and then me returning home late since we had just not got enough of the time - all this was very fresh in my head.
To be able to go there again was a long time thought and it just happened without any planning after so many years. One part of my head was reliving the 4 year ago incident and another bit of me was sinking in the reality - The company was definitely getting mesmerized with me and I enjoyed the whole date oh so much. It ended in a one of the very interesting conversations I've had - "a lot can happen over coffee" explains it all, locale and context. Hmmm.... :)
P.S. A compliment that got me all conscious but yes, damn good.... "You look fair even in the dark" - ahem, it was meant on face-value and I guess it came out of the lighting effect in the theater and the mesmerizing feel. :D I was caught unaware for sure. :)
Migration....
I was reading about online migration from one of my new things at work. Made me think of how convenient it would be if it was possible for minds and not only storage systems.
Online migration means transferring your data from an old storage system to a new one if the old one stops serving its purpose due to overload or performance issues. Making that an analogy to the emotional context, I swear it is just not possible without killing your conscience.
My life now seems to be a little more spacious but then I sometimes land up thinking if the space is all worth the pain in the head. But the 6 year history was quirky in its own way with two years getting stepped down with another parallel circle. It remain history is its best worth forever - my prayer forever. Parallelism can exist in its own balanced comfortable distance without stepping on my toes or disappearing.
Work is vague and hectic in its way. I only want it to get clearer and lighter. I hope it does not numb me coz I am benumbed already anyway. I always believe there has to be a balance in life at work and personal front. I plead to the strength above to get me thro this phase and make work a smooth sweet ride forever...
Online migration means transferring your data from an old storage system to a new one if the old one stops serving its purpose due to overload or performance issues. Making that an analogy to the emotional context, I swear it is just not possible without killing your conscience.
My life now seems to be a little more spacious but then I sometimes land up thinking if the space is all worth the pain in the head. But the 6 year history was quirky in its own way with two years getting stepped down with another parallel circle. It remain history is its best worth forever - my prayer forever. Parallelism can exist in its own balanced comfortable distance without stepping on my toes or disappearing.
Work is vague and hectic in its way. I only want it to get clearer and lighter. I hope it does not numb me coz I am benumbed already anyway. I always believe there has to be a balance in life at work and personal front. I plead to the strength above to get me thro this phase and make work a smooth sweet ride forever...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Worst Easter gift....
The worst Easter gift I could give someone.... Sorry about it...
Read this somewhere - The flame of love is now just a cold loneliness. ~Uniek Swain
Read this somewhere - The flame of love is now just a cold loneliness. ~Uniek Swain
Friday, March 26, 2010
Whatsoever!
Why should it make a difference when somethings happen for no reason and has had no meaning whatsoever?
Why should it matter when good times were not completely good enough?
How would it be possible to compromise on somethings that are a part of you? Why should it even be considered genuine when even the mere communication channel was not clear? Is it not logically the best thing that the mere reason for your interest dies down with time and you are better off without it?
Masinagudi has its memories and now it jibes me without me in it. I can appease myself saying the last time was just the place and not the people completely anyway. But that reality and getting over feel is a little bitter medicine one has to swallow.
Only naive persons would not learn from experiences. In a way, Kate realizes the naivete is so similar to the naivete whom she desisted and kept in the distance of an acquaintance.
Leopold better be the almost opposite but a very understanding character! Get him to Kate sooooon!
Why should it matter when good times were not completely good enough?
How would it be possible to compromise on somethings that are a part of you? Why should it even be considered genuine when even the mere communication channel was not clear? Is it not logically the best thing that the mere reason for your interest dies down with time and you are better off without it?
Masinagudi has its memories and now it jibes me without me in it. I can appease myself saying the last time was just the place and not the people completely anyway. But that reality and getting over feel is a little bitter medicine one has to swallow.
Only naive persons would not learn from experiences. In a way, Kate realizes the naivete is so similar to the naivete whom she desisted and kept in the distance of an acquaintance.
Leopold better be the almost opposite but a very understanding character! Get him to Kate sooooon!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Life!
Life by Paul Laurence Dunbar
A crust of bread and a corner to sleep in,
A minute to smile and an hour to weep in,
A pint of joy to a peck of trouble,
And never a laugh but the moans come double;
And that is life!
A crust and a corner that love makes precious,
With a smile to warm and the tears to refresh us;
And joy seems sweeter when cares come after,
And a moan is the finest of foils for laughter;
And that is life!
**********************************************************
Just what I was wondering how to write....... I want to be able to write such deep words.....
A crust of bread and a corner to sleep in,
A minute to smile and an hour to weep in,
A pint of joy to a peck of trouble,
And never a laugh but the moans come double;
And that is life!
A crust and a corner that love makes precious,
With a smile to warm and the tears to refresh us;
And joy seems sweeter when cares come after,
And a moan is the finest of foils for laughter;
And that is life!
**********************************************************
Just what I was wondering how to write....... I want to be able to write such deep words.....
Longing
Longing
by Sara Teasdale
I am not sorry for my soul
That it must go unsatisfied,
For it can live a thousand times,
Eternity is deep and wide.
I am not sorry for my soul,
But oh, my body that must go
Back to a little drift of dust
Without the joy it longed to know.
by Sara Teasdale
I am not sorry for my soul
That it must go unsatisfied,
For it can live a thousand times,
Eternity is deep and wide.
I am not sorry for my soul,
But oh, my body that must go
Back to a little drift of dust
Without the joy it longed to know.
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