I am now 43 years old and half-orphaned...

 Its 9 months since Daddy died and my first birthday without his wishes. I miss him a lot more than in the earlier months because the void is becoming more acutely obvious. Mom isn't the same as before and she only has very old memories to talk on repeat mode. He used to quietly listen to my rants and jokes in his last few months. That small act itself was so comforting. 

However, nowadays, I am trying to accept that there is nobody to listen to my rants and I try to see what I can do for my mom. I also try to observe how her small acts of help still make a deal in my daily life. 

The bday gift for me and my daughter from me was the Vietnam trip. Very very expensive, especially because I lost 30000 just for flight tickets to Delhi. On the flipside, I traveled to Chennai on my own with my daughter in a train, boarded their metro to reach their airport, took a flight to Delhi, changed terminals  by traveling in a shuttle (ticketless and let go with a warning by the bus conductor - embarasing but funny incident). I was offered the upgrade and thankfully chose it (after thinking over) on time to get a good sleep on our way to Ho Chi Minh. The 9k upgrade was a timely expensive decision because the rest helped in spending the energy in sightseeing that started right from the airport itself (similar to the Odisha trip in Sep 2024). Daddy's account helped in closing credit card bill without paying any unnecessary interest. I am going to repay every rupee in the coming months, by God's grace. I am also thankful to God for helping to fulfill my daughter's dream of getting her passport stamped and visiting more than one foreign country before her first teenage bday. The trip organizers were not very straight forward set of people - however, their accommodation choices, bus choices and itinerary were decent. The Delhi women were loud and noisy but did not make their judgements so openly obvious and were moreso minding their business. I got the required timely help from the trip guide whenever required and that was sufficient for me. I am old enough to not be disturbed by his attention to the loud Delhi women (who actually were okish sometimes). The intention of the trip was to go sightseeing in a safe setup, and I had no interest in making friends anyway. I especially liked the Maximilan hotel in Danang for its cleanliness, proximity to the beach and food. The cable car ride and the visit to Ba Na hills could have been better if the weather was clear. The 50000 dong raincoat helped both of us in all the fog and drizzle. The basket ride in Hoi An was a good timepass with Sam showing her sense of adventure and shopping scenes was also reminiscent of Pondicherry. Sam also got her favorite pair of Crocs with the decorations she always desired. She plans to take mine whenever she outgrows her current pair. 500 rupees in Vietnam and 4000 rupees in Bangalore for those branded Crocs. 

The shopping at Ben Thanh market in Ho Chi Minh taught me a very valuable lesson, with the first shopkeeper fleecing me outright. After that, I chose to bargain very well within respectable boundaries with ALL the shopkeepers. Which in turn helped me buy a bright yellow suitcase for 4L dong over her selling price of 5L dong. The other 2 friendly ladies (Kanchan ji and Saumya) in the trip had picked up the suitcases in Ben Thanh market for 5L dong, I heard. One of them - Saumya, picked up a cute ceramic tea set for 9L. I did not pick any showcase item because of the current house being so compact already and credit card was not accepted. The last activity of the cruise was a good timepass to see the Dragon bridge, love bridge, Han bridge and the skyscrapers at night on Han river. Reunification palace, Cu Chi tunnel were good history eye-openers of how war affects and America's highhandedness. Vietnam was overall safe, pleasant and worth visiting again.

The bad viral fever left me with no energy a day after we landed. Sam rested on Thursday and I somehow walked to mom's house on Thursday. Logged in too. On Friday, I somehow sent Sam to school, searched the chat history for the right antibiotic and got the Uber auto thankfully to and fro to Milan Pharma. Saturday was also very bad and I don't know what my sister expected from me in my pathetic condition that she came even on Sunday night. Monday is when I started feeling better and started working to get some productive tasks done to start the release work. Almost all the clothes are washed, folded, suitcases packed in the attic, gifts distributed on time and I also got to take care of Sam. Her falling sick happened after I started recovering - the timing could not have been better. Jitendra graced us on Saturday-Sunday to help with few bits of laundry rounds and babysit Sam. I won't forget how he picked a fight with me about Sam's sloppiness, even though I was so sick on Sat/Sunday. Asshole. 

He came on time on my bday evening, took us to Misosexy - place of my choice for dinner and encouraged me to indulge with that cocktail. He had also gotten me flowers and a 20k gift voucher for Westside. The first part of the day was quiet, peaceful with the usual routine of maid, paddus as breakfast, off from work, a regular south indian lunch with mom and daughter. The wishes were from the expected set of people at work, school, college and few cousins. Sam made a cute camera greeting card - she does have good art skills. I wore the China silk yellow floral long top with black leggings, and accesorized the attire with my diamond set and bangle. Overall, I am thankful for a peaceful 43rd bday celebration. It could have been better if my health was better. However, sam and I recovered on time for the bday dinner and work was also peaceful. In laws also managed the dental visit on their own with their dear daughter and SIL. So the husband had time for us. Mom's health is also decent, God's grace.

For the first time in years, I am going to have a peaceful and budget friendly teenage bday celebration for Sam. No unnecessary return gift headache, wastage of snacks and cake and hosting a bunch of noisy, irritating kids at this new apartment. As an alternative, we gave her a choice to invite her schoolfriends to a place of her choice and celebrating with them as she pleases. I am very thankful for this change in her (albeit took me years of bickering to reason my point. And I also openly pointed out to her that her dad is not around to help with those elaborate hosting activities - if she wants to repeat her previous years' celebration pattern). 

Last year, Daddy walked to the old apartment with my sister and I was so scared throughout if he will collapse without the concentrator. He stayed quiet in the background with no fuss and blessed the kid for one last time of his lifetime. Sam and I will miss his sense of humor, cheerful wishes and blessings. He is no more around physically but I know his presence is always around us and he wishes the best for Sam.

A week since dad started dying...

Exactly a week ago, it was clear that my dad was dying and unconscious even to know what was happening. The day shift SICU doctors at Sakra counselled us that his right lung was irreparable and he was too weak to be given any further treatments. And we were right in not going ahead with the ventilator. His lungs were filled with 90% CO2 and also some air around his accessory muscles around his collarbone. The fix to remove the air involved making a hole in his right side and such procedures would only cause him more pain and weakness. So it was time to give him the final stage of palliative care i.e. morphine to enable to him to die painlessly. Sister and I were inconsolable but we agreed in verbatim and also in writing. We were also told to give a heads-up to his friends and out-station relatives that he was dying and they could come to pay their last respects. I started with his brother, I suppose or Raghu. As and when I made the calls, the script became better and my feelings got under control.

The doctors asked us to wait near him and the fentanyl injection was administered to him in IV slowly. We knew that he was finally dying and painlessly. We spent couple of hours in grief, took a lunch break, returned and waited with him until sunset. Mom called us to come home and we left our dad to die painlessly and alone. The next morning, 25th May, Saturday, while I was getting ready to go to the hospital, I got the call that he died couple of minutes ago. I can recall how I froze. I still went ahead and made breakfast for myself and rushed with BIL and dad's younger brother. When I saw dad dead, he was freshly bathed, plastered with bandage around his head and chin to keep his mouth from opening more, cotton balls in his nose and stuffed in his mouth. His one eye was open and one eye was closed, totally lifeless. It did look like he was sleeping but his skeletal appearance was more obvious. The hospital staff were kind and gentle. I went to the mortuary with BIL and uncle and saw my dad gift-wrapped in bandage and a dark blue plastic cover. The bandage was put like a flap on his face. I lost it when the nurse did her duty to ask us to identify the body before she put him in the mortuary freezer number 8. What a number. She asked me to step out but it was enough to make me realize how it must be to be dead. While dad was waiting in the freezer in the mortuary to be taken home, we waited for the insurance procedure to come through. After a wait of 5 hours, I got into the ambulance with my dad gift-wrapped in bandage and a dark blue plastic cover. I have a picture of him in that and also a video of him suffering to breathe. Morbid but I think it is to remind me that he is actually dead. Uncle and aunt took photos of his dead body so insensitively and shared with all on whatsapp. My morbid instinct stopped just before that. I couldn't bear to see his mouth stuffed with cotton and temples sunken around his ears. His beloved older sister arrived before we reached and she took the intiative to cover him in a new dhoti and silk veshti around his face. She arranged the garland and put the green leaves to cover the cotton stuffed in his mouth. I definitely felt that I was not looking at my dad. It was his relic. The lung fibrosis had leeched him from inside, despite the expensive steroid and oxygen therapy.

Until we got him admitted, we were unaware of such developments in his body. Not our fault. He was too weak to be taken to the hospital and so, we chose to treat him for his lung infection at home with our family physician's help. If things went downhill (which all of us feared that would lead to his death eventually), we wanted him to be at home amidst his family members. Mom especially would not have been there to spend time with him in the last few weeks, if we had gotten him admitted. The family physician did suggest that we take him to the hospital for PEG surgery to get him to eat, after he recovers from the infection. The entire family was not for PEG surgery but he had me convinced to give it a try - because nobody should die of starvation. Dad had already starved because of lack of appetite and inability to swallow, the curse of lung fibrosis, causing severe decline in the weight and thereby, energy and immunity. The Ryles tube kept him fed enough to take the antibiotics. 

But the lungs just gave away on the fateful evening of 23rd May 2024. I had given him 2 teaspoons of water few hours before that afternoon because he was breathing with his mouth more and more open with the days passing by and lips getting dried up. He coughed so bad that my heart broke and intuitively, I felt that it could be the last few sips. At 4.30 p.m. or so, the Ryles tube was out of his mouth supposedly and the nurse pointed it out. I called the doctor and he arranged for Anitha to visit. I tried to ask this nurse to put the new Ryles tube and was checking the items required to be ordered. He heard our conversation and said - Anitha... Expert.... Saying these two words itself took a lot of energy but I sensed he was listening keenly and I consoled him that I will check and follow up with Anitha. I decided to resume work meanwhile because work was suffering in the middle of all this. 

Close to 6 p.m., my sister observed that he had removed the nasal cannula out of his nose and lying there with labored breathing. She called out for me and I also panicked. Over the past few months, if the nasal cannula wasn't there or if the O2 concentrator was acting weird, the poor man PANICKED, for the fear of dying. And here, he had removed it on his own and was unaware of his actions. When we asked him what he was doing, his response was that it was very noisy and none of us liked it. And why were we panicking. That was sufficient to make me search for Sakra ambulance. I was caught in a dilemma to wait to ask Anitha to come and confirm to hospitalize or go ahead and make the call. During the dilemma, he showed more restlessness to remove the cannula, even the new mask-like cannula and the nurse Jyoti had increased the O2 levels to almost 6L. She tried to tell me that it was to help him breathe better in the new mask cannula, I doubt it if she was right. Things were happening so fast and his SPO2 was not crossing 90. Giving more oxygen is also a danger without the pulmonologist's guidance. Which meant getting him admitted. So I dialed the ambulance and it reached in 30 mins. Meanwhile, he spoke his last few lines to my sister and mom, while I was preparing for the hospital visit. He was supposedly coherent. In the ambulance, he asked me the time - I said 7.45 p.m. Things spiraled faster after that. He lost consciousness and opened his eyes feebly when I called out to him. Touching him did not give any response. I realized I was losing him. Emotions crept up and the duty doctors tried BIPAP. He was not conscious enough to mimick the BIPAP breathing and next was ventilator option. I said no, BIL said no. The doctors arranged for x-ray and CT scan and we waited and waited. I broke down completely and BIL held me in his arms. After sometime, they got him admitted in SICU and put him on drips. The SICU night shift doctors told us for the first time that his right lung was irreparable and he was too weak to be given any further treatments. And we were right in not going ahead with the ventilator. His lungs were filled with 90% CO2 and also some air around his accessory muscles around his collarbone. The fix to remove the air involved making a hole in his right side and such procedures would only cause him more pain and weakness. There was some convincing done to try to give vasopressors to increase his BP - I agreed reluctantly. We drove back home in BIL's car at 1 a.m. 

I had warned my husband to come with our daughter the next day without fail to meet him one last time (at home because that was my instinct again) and he finally reached the hospital around the time we reached the hospital from here. My husband's face was ashened when he understood those long conversations with me describing dad's suffering and his skeletal appearance. Sam did not get to see my dad in the SICU, good in a way. She did not get to see him suffer since May 12 because I had kept her away in Vijaya nagar and she wanted to complete her swimming camp. She also felt that she was not looking at my dad when we brought him home and put him on the freezer. Ironically, I got the news from my mom's youngest sister that my mom's oldest sister died that afternoon on May 25th when I was on my way home with my dead gift-wrapped dad in the ambulance. So, most of my mom's siblings are yet to visit and pay their last respect to my dad and condolences to mom. Out of dad's siblings, two came - the oldest sister with her grandson in his car, thanks to her husband allowing her to get out of the house for those hours from Chennai. And the younger brother, for the sake of rituals aka patriarchy. If he had not come, my BIL would have done those rituals. And now he has to do it anyway for the 11th day.

A month later and I have lost a parent...

 Dad died on May 25, 2024 at 9.28 am. Need some more time to recount the whole experience.

Mid 2024 musings

 I am blogging after a very long time. 

Post-pandemic, one day, during a fight in the new rented apartment, my husband told me that he was shocked when he read my earlier blog post which mentioned that I wanted his parents dead in the next 5 years. He had this violated feeling simmering in him for a long time and never brought it up, until that fight. 

I knew that the blog post was my personal rant and of course immature. I did not defend that blog post but I did try to explain that those feelings reduced and it is more of neutrality. Nothing convinced him and I realized it is not easy to digest such violating thoughts from a spouse. I left it at that and the awkwardness still continues between us.

After many years, I re-ventured to open the blog and I read all my posts. The post that shocked him was actually ending on a practical note - How can I determine someone's death when my own parents are also weak and I do not know my expiry date? He of course used it for his point of view that I dislike his parents. 

However, what happened after that is I got scared of writing my thoughts. I tried writing in a paper but somehow the feeling that my raw inner most feelings have been considered "too much".

On a different note, I was looking back at our 13 years of marriage few days ago. It is now a sexless marriage, like so many couples I read about. If there is no emotional intimacy, from where will physical intimacy show up as sex. 

When we recently spoke about his father's dementia progressing, it felt like a tight slap on my face when I realized that my husband hadn't verbalized his father's symptoms as dementia - diagnosed before our marriage itself. He kept referring to a few incidents like this - it was showing up here and there. (Example: I remember the toilet not being flushed when I went in the wee hours twice before the house was renovated. Him eating without waiting for others was also not considered out of the blue.) Then the husband tells me during the same conversation - now do you recall why I was very quiet when I dropped you at BEML gate that evening after our coffee date because I could not contact my parents and confirm if they had reached Mysore. That was the tight slap. It was right in front of my eyes and I chose not to see it. This man I married had agreed to marry only because I agreed to stay with his parents after marriage. He got that confirmation very seriously and I only saw the "general" reasons. Over the years, I saw his extra dedication towards his mom and dad - like the mythological story "Shravan". Lucky parents. On the other hand, this guarantees the fact that he visits us at the apartment and won't pay the rent or pay for the provisions (unless I ask to share supposedly). It is convenient for him to use my pathetic communication skills during the pandemic when I started readying the apartment without waiting for him - because I was very uncomfortable and guilty and ashamed to ask him. I was financially irresponsible and spent a chunk of the layoff settlement Oracle gave me to invest in the house. Thank God. He had once blurted in anger - how can you ask me to leave my parents behind? So, when I started setting up the house, he felt pushed back and then decided to "visit". On the flip side, it worked for his benefit in ALL possible ways. Except for the fact that I had to take his daughter with me - he already has to take care of two other senior children of his.

I was SO ANGRY during the pandemic and the early years of our apartment move. The child bore a lot of the brunt. My role continues to be full-time remote, thanks to the kind manager. So in a way, socializing stopped. I stopped myself from talking to neighbors unless absolutely necessary. "Why is your husband not staying here?" "Why did you move here from Vijaya nagar, only for work?"

Shopping therapy continued. I have a lovely collection of beautiful silk saris and cottons. And a new love to travel has also sprung. Again, child bore the brunt of my temper - caused due to the underlying disappointment that my husband won't share my daughter's share of the travel expense or take us to so many places. I did not ask him again pointedly. It is a different story if he would have given. The recent Poothali Kerala trip money settlement conversation proved it. "Lene ke dene pad gaye", he said, at the end of the conversation - wherein I had to pay for my money that he withdrew as cash before the trip but I had to pay him supposedly. But he owed me 750. Which he asked me to deduct and pay him 4250/-. I did ask him to include the 540 rupees for the dhotis he picked up for the old fathers.

Now life has somewhat plateau'ed. Dad got diagnosed with a terminal illness called pulmonary fibrosis in Nov 2023 and uses a oxygen concentrator to breathe. Sister moved near to their house post-pandemic. She faced major disappointments from all of us during her new motherhood phase. She tried to use me as her foster mom but I became super-aware of her moves, especially the calculations she uses and manipulations. I cannot be her foster mom - and neither can I be always available for my parents. I have experienced first-hand partiality and lesser preference over her - considering she shined better in studies and made dad's dream of CA come true. And I have tortured my parents with my callous, reckless attitude during my late teens with studies and choice of men in my 20s. God's grace - NetApp took me in - I screwed up there also. Then Oracle - screwed up there also - looking back, it became even for the treatment from Kumar - his choice of giving me pathetic pay and work expectations. Eventually, CHR and Oracle saved me and helped me float during my mom's cancer treatment, reckless shopping and very young child-care. Cisco has been my life-saver in so many ways, I can't fathom. Living in a rented apartment, juggling a job and child-care, buying groceries and running a kitchen, finding my spiritual space and faith, enjoying solitude - rather than complain of loneliness, identifying grey areas in people and myself, and learning how I have become an ambivert, I have come a long way and there is a long way to go ahead, I know.

I got to notice dad's symptoms up-close and did my homework and found the right doctor. Cisco colleague guided me to the right doctor, I must add. He is on the right treatment and suffering the medicine's side-effects. He has lost a ton of weight and is having no stamina, at this point, for a minimal social life. I pity him and I dread old age where we become so irrelevant. My husband's mom is still relevant, thanks to her luck, genes and the worshipping from her son. He won't break her heart anytime, already broke it big time by marrying me. When she was feeling bad about yet to visit Kashi, I knew instinctively that he must have offered to take her, at the right time. He said he promised so, when I inquired casually later. I did not offer to join. I instead replied that I couldn't take my dad to Kashi. Can I take dad in the future, God knows. Do I want to, is another thing.

My parents and I had a bad fight on Apr 15, 2024, for a tawa exchange apparently. Mom and sister nicely put a scratch on the tawa and I did not check that before entering the shop and getting embarrassed. Mom's obsession over the right size of idiyappam thread - I have to buy another idiyappam maker. I got so irate on her obsession - she insults me that I do not know anything despite being 40. Well, that was it. Over the past few months, I felt over-used by them and I felt let-down when I asked my sister for help in going to the shop with the tawa from 11th cross. And she just did not turn up. The way she dragged me for every doctor consultation during dad's hospital admission in Dec 2023 - though I was recovering from my bum surgery, is no joke as to how she manipulates. 

I did take her husband's help in getting chauffeur'ed to the airport bus, when Jitendra had to run home to arrange bedsheets for the sudden guests from Mysore. And the poor man had to hide the Lucknow trip from his parents, how irresponsible of me. Especially to go right after back to back hospital admissions and the great Sankranti festival. I paid for the trip, I chose the dates and had given a heads-up in Oct 2023. I fell sick in Dec 2023 because of the pus filled cyst becoming an abscess, got admitted and recovered with his limited help during the admission - not that he would not have done more. I took the home care nurse option and paid a lot but they were God-send. I went to the follow-up consultations on my own because he is with his parents 25 kms away. And based on the doctor's confirmation, I went ahead with the trip, causing no disturbances to anyone. But no, I did the wrong thing supposedly. I "informed" him about the trip, not act like a spouse but a room-mate. I don't think so but I won't argue with him anymore. I was ready to lose all the money spent on booking the trip, if it had come to no-go situation. I agree that he was unhappy about me being stubborn in going ahead but what does he know of my plight of no company and traveling with strangers. (Still, I am thankful for these options nowadays.) He is lucky to have college friends who take him for trips and make him have fun and see places at the same time. Bandar kya jaane adrak ka swaad. The same trip with strangers is how I got to travel to Bhutan with Sam and get her to tick her long-time wish to travel outside India. God's grace. 

Sleep-over at Nimisha's house - Jul 7-8, 2018

Why I wanted to particularly blog about this was because we were up until 5:30 am on 8th July, 2018 - Sunday from maybe 11 pm on 7th July, 2018 - talking about everything under the sun that mattered to us. What a night, huh?!

We reached at 5:30 pm - Nisha and I met from Bangalore West and went to E-city. Rekha and Di came together from Bangalore East to E-city. Thanks to the Uber and Ola services and perfect weekend.

I am trying to recall the topics now - Nitha's Singapore Cruise and Marilyn Monroe incident, Rekha's harassment experience 12 years ago at Accenture (which Nisha knew before itself (as usual), Diana's parenting challenges with Zach along with Jesu, Nisha's co-sister's harassment on her husband, Nitha's OCD'ed father - who arranges dirty plates nicely on the sink, my husband's acquaintance - the gynec who dropped the consultation charges, Rekha's 11 day Italy visit - she chose to be discreet (as usual), Diana's honeymoon at Swiss where her husband left her at the Swiss train station, Nisha's husband who got a compliment - Hi, handsome husband and "Super Dad" and how we totally nailed that Nisha is safely married when we saw the fan's pic on FB and how Di chided Nitha for not being serious to get married.

Samyu slept without me next to her for the first ever time, by sharing a bunker top bed with Navya (11 years old). Samarah is also 11 - 6th std. Sianah will be 4 in August. Varsha is 13 - 8th std. Zach will also be 2 in Aug. I don't really know if Samyu slept soundly but she was awake at 7:30 am and poking me in the bedroom when I had barely caught some sleep for 1.5 hours. Nisha and Rekha were awake already, God knows when. Nimisha slept on the couch - she is used to it, she said. Nitha coo'ed Zach when he thought she was Di and all of them slept soundly, maybe until 9.


Nimisha's mom was a big help to Nimisha and I hope we did our bit to help the house get to shape when we stayed there. It isn't a big house but it is perfect with its comforts in a big community apartment suite, with all the facilities you can imagine under the earth for anybody. Any emergency can be covered without a problem. Things I liked best - you can have your child study in the same apartment campus until UKG - wow, and you can shop for a 2L coke at 9:45 pm, JLT. That shopping helped me in tasting vodka mixed with coke and a glass of wine too, which Nimisha generously shared from her husband's collection.

The children even went to the swimming pool on Sunday for an hour or so. Sam seemed to have slight fever but she managed to dip her legs for a bit, because I gave her Dolo-250 - which I carried with me. That reminds me of the left-over fried rice that I need to finish now for lunch. After I gave boxes of Amul chocolates to all the kids, Nisha and Rekha felt complied to give gifts to Nimisha - well, I did what was my prerogative when we are all headed to a friend's house who is generous to host all of us with our kids. Samyu got a bangle making set - she already had one from her athe. But a gift is a gift. I enjoyed trolling Siana with the national anthem bit and her small toys etc., Hope we didn't offend Nimisha and the kids kinda liked us. Best part was the kids were on their own, including Samyu. Oh, how can I forget how we couldn't console Zach whenever Di was in the shower or loo visit. Those few minutes of his wailing rocked our boats - One incident was so hilarious with Nimisha and me rolling in laughter while Nitha was searching for youtube rhymes, talking out loud constantly - "where is youtube", "how do i put rhymes" - going mad to console a wailing / howling child that got us madder. And Di peeking out from the shower with Nimisha and me and the kids as an audience during the 2nd incident.

I love the apartment but I won't want it - I cannot stay under the same roof with my in-laws where we'll have to see our faces once we open the room door. This duplex helps me like a shrine until now and I hope it continues to do so until the time is right for better opportunities. In laws had returned from their Mysore visit, cutting a day shorter in fact. Helped that it was on Sat instead of Sunday because I had made lunch for them - sambar and rice, along with fried rice for the 3 of us. If it were Sunday, she may have gotten the chance to complaineto J that they have to eat outside while the dutiful DIL was enjoying with her friends. I get brownie points because I also covered the rangoli bit, made him put those nice shenbaga poo or sampige or champaka in the pujai room, get Sam ready while making the nanny do the chopping bit. Am also glad that J enjoyed his sleep-over with 19 of his college friends. All in all, evertyhing went well and all are happy, I hope.

Nimisha has helped me with my sister's break in DB and also by sharing the profile again with her friend in Well-Fargo. She was discreet about mom's cancer bit then and proved that she is rock-solid reliable when Di confided to us about being preggie with Zach.

My degree in Josephs is incomplete because of my carelessness and that is a thorn in my heart with all the embarrassment I feel whenever I think of it. However I am thankful for these friends and the fun times and the understanding they have shown to me, almost whenever I've needed it. I hope I've been a good friend to them too. Thank you, God, for the good luck you've blessed me with - I am filled with gratitude for these and everything. I pray the good times continue forever and I can in return lead a respectable and good life, doing all the good that I can unto this world in return.

Life at present

What I took for granted so many years ago, I have lost it in my present. I do not know what the future holds for me but what step I take now will lead me to the future is what I know. Right now, I feel like an alien inside my own body. I go to Vijaya Nagar every day but my heart yearns for Vignana Nagar. The roads starting from my school which I last entered officially in 1997 keep coming to my mind. It is like a relic of my past but I cannot touch it or even enter. I can refer it of course when the need arises. Dating Prem was completely the wrong thing. It is true I took that option to get out of Anish’s clutches. What a fool I was to think that only love and sex completed the whole world. How over-rated these two things are.... They have their joys but they are not enough to lead a happy and fulfilled life. I wish somebody had told me this nicely. Parents are totally out of question. They did their best and left for me to figure out things for myself. And with God’s grace, I have charted this route so far. If I had married Prem, I would have not been in touch with parents anyway. And here, I am complaining that I have lost touch with my roots after marrying Jitendra. The man is fine as a companion for all practical purposes. I used to feel that he was my soul mate. Then reality crash-landed us when Samyuktha entered our lives and his parents started waving their mad flag of their culture, lifestyle and language. She tried nice tricks that I try some other items for breakfast during weekends. How stupid did she think I am? I even venture a suggestion... I know the consequence — Oh, here she comes to start brandishing her Tamil culture, language and cuisine. I am so glad I can go to Chennai and do not have the necessity to stay at his sister’s place. (Well, she is back now.... Supposedly, her favorite haunt in the world... she goes on about Chennai's geography and culture and people and metropolitan conveniences and providings). It is suffocating to be around her. I wish my husband’s ties with her get severed for good in the long run. For that, I wish the two oldies at home drop-dead within the next 5 years — life will be free of negativity for me. I sincerely will try to be a good parent, home-maker and spouse and hopefully work. The thought of death scares me actually. I do not know my expiry date and here I am, wishing that his parents drop dead within the next 5 years. And that takes me to my parents — one has had a back surgery and is a heart patient. the other one is a breast cancer survivor. My sister has gone way far away from me. But I guess that is how it is. Siblings can be close or just become strangers to each other. I crave for the cocooned family ties. I wonder how mom and dad reconciled that life changes post-marriage and brought us up. Dad is just about his wife and daughters. Mom came from a large family but is in her own world of TV and books now. How will I grow old? What will I do when I am her age? Will Jitendra and I still be together? Will Samyuktha be around us? Will she know Tamil and have some exposure to Tamil culture and not look at it the way her dad does? Will I be able to live in touch with my roots? Will I be happy? Will I work until however long I want to and work well, too? Will I save enough for a rainy day and lead a sensible life. God, give me some sanity and control over my present and future.

A friend's birthday and my oldest periappa's death day - Life is a vicious cycle

As the title says, I really do not know where I am headed in the vicious cycle called LIFE. Kothandaraman periappa is no more. Got to know about his hospital admission around the time of New Years Eve itself. I somehow hoped he would get through this time, for various reasons like mom and dad's health state, my keen interest in visiting him once at least with my husband and kid - he never got to meet her, and also that I would have liked to spend new year day with parents, if they did not have to travel to Villupuram to pay their last respects for his death. He managed to stay alive with the help of ventilator till Jan 6th, 2015. I got to know about his last few hours from mom. But only after sending a message to Sham for asking her to stay over at Vijaya Nagar, did I get know that he had passed away. Parents sometimes do not share any news with me on time. May periappa's soul rest in peace. I tried hinting Jitendra that I would like to visit Villupuram to pay my last respects during the 10-13 days grievance ceremony. Not once did he say - Sure, let's go. He tried to ask me to join parents when they informed me about their plans to hire a car and drive down on Jan 6th, 2015. Well, to hell with Jitendra's interest right now, I put a halt of my visit plan for the sake of my young daughter and new job.

I am hurt inside that Jitendra hardly tries to bond with my family or extended relatives by learning Tamil. Bring it up and he just does not want to accept. "Give me time. First, you show your interest." Its going to be 4 years of marriage and I do not know when we will hit middle ground. For him, my sense of cleanliness and responsibility sharing should increase, to be interested in learning my language or bond with my family or extended relatives. Well, I know how much I have shopped and piled up so many items like jewellery and clothes and what not. It is going to take me equal number of years for using up all the items and ensure ROI. The shopping extravaganza can be blamed on feeling out of place and wanting to do something to keep me happy. Retail therapy is the word for it, I recall now. However, it has shrunk my savings, taken up all the space in the wardrobe and added a load of strain and guilt to my marriage, my mind and space at home. However, I have finally come to a state of calling truce with myself and Jitendra. He can take his time to meet my expectations of learning Tamil and taking initiative of bonding with my family or extended relatives. Meanwhile, I will tighten my wallet, save money to clear off debts, invest in existing policies and save exclusively for my rainy day. Also, I intend to use every single item I have purchased and use it, no matter what. If I do not get to use it and it serves nobody a purpose except for occupying space, I will discard it. This is my resolution for the years to come until I am done with whatever I have purchased so far, saved well and followed these rules well. Along all this, I realize my daughter will grow up, my career will need to get better than where I am right now, my family will move ahead in its pace and I will move along as close as possible. My marriage - it requires two hands. Only me trying to learn his language, his culture, his roots, his folks, his lifestyle is never going to be sufficient. I sincerely hope God will give us a great married life ahead with truly wonderful compatibility, maturity, understanding, contentment and love. We also need to evolve as good parents for the little one we brought into this world. God, please help us to do our roles well. Please bless us and Samyuktha to be good to each other. I sincerely hope Samyuktha grows up to be a sensible, sharp, down-to-earth, secure child and human being. I pray she gets independence over her pacifier and gets toilet-trained well very soon.

I sincerely hope I will be able to work smart, earn well, make good friends, impress the management, learn good things at work in terms of technology and working in my new job. I also sincerely hope that I will be able to keep in touch with my extended relatives really closely, like never before. The efforts for all this should be so well-designed that my parenting / wife / daughter / daughter-in-law / sister / sister-in-law / friend roles also improve with time and I am blessed with peace and contentment in me and around me. Please keep me, Jitendra, Samyuktha and my family healthy, peaceful, safe and secure always.

To commemorate my periappa's death and pay my last respects in spirit, I chose to wear black today. I hope I get to meet periamma and ashok anna and balaji sometime soon and spend time bonding with my daughter and husband and parents in tow.

On this same day, I called Vimika to wish her on her birthday. She had done so for my birthday last year and I did not get to really return then. Hope she has a wonderful year ahead and hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch. I also hope Sunitha has a smooth, healthy pregnancy and second motherhood. God, please ensure that all her current worries get resolved soon and well - husband's job here or in Dubai, son's schooling, pregnancy pain as the baby grows, health, her job, her future whether in Dubai or here, finances, marriage and parenting. I hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch. I also pray for Sumathi to get married soon to a nice guy with all her parents and family blessings and a happy married life for her. I hope we remain good friends always and stay in constant touch.

May periappa's soul rest in peace. He has been a nice man to me and left me with fond memories. This blog post is dedicated to him, the last one gone from my grandparents' generation.

Amen.

Inshallah for the prayers I have. Thank you for everything so far.